Picture Imperfect
by TripGirl05
Summary: Finally, the last chapter ("Goodbye") is up! Enjoy, everyone, it took me long enough!
1. Disclaimer and Summary

Picture Imperfect  
  
Summary: It's about what would have changed if the ending of "Unexpected" didn't go as it did. It's a first person narrative, not exactly from the person you would have thought would be telling the story. You'll see.  
  
Spoilers for "Unexpected"- if you haven't already seen it by now. (I've seen it 50 billion times- -_-;;;) There's going to be more along the way, but I'll make sure to tell before I start the chapter.  
  
Also, if the story gets good reviews, I might put up the whole story. Maybe.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own *anything* of Enterprise, and I had nothing to do with "Unexpected"- and thank God, 'cause I can't write anything *remotely* funny. I only write serious stuff. Anyway, K'Ela is my own imagination, so at least I can claim that much. 


	2. Lost Memories

Chapter 1  
  
Lost Memories  
  
The attic's light turned on with a click, the metal chain swinging slightly as I let go of it. The dim light illuminated the dank, cobweb- covered room, filled with boxes layered in dust, a telltale sign of their abandonment long ago. I let out a sigh, wishing I could open every one of them, and then to possibly gain insight into the life he never spoke of. How I wish he would just once mention his friends, his family, his past. Then again, I stopped asking possibly around the same time this attic became the dingy, unused- and even forgotten- room that it is now. I didn't want to bring back into his life those memories that had left a part of him longing for the path he once walked, and although he pretended to have let those things go, he still yearned to be back on Enterprise. I just could see it in his eyes.  
  
I walked between the rows of boxes, neatly organized for something so dusty, but I still was careful to not displace any of the boxes. It seemed like their place had become theirs, and that if one would be moved even slightly, it would disrupt the now set pattern. I looked at the tops of the boxes, and chose the one with the least dust to open first. I knelt down next to the box. The cardboard scraped against itself as I undid the puzzle-like folds, and sending small clouds of powder into the air. I could feel a small smile creeping across my mahogany lips. Inside the box were all of my old toys.  
  
I picked one up off the top of the pile- a teddy bear. Its fur was curly and clumped together, but still soft. I let out a small giggle. Dad must have washed this bear thousands of times since I dragged this thing everywhere. How it was still soft, I had no idea. I could still recall him tucking me into bed, placing the bear into my outstretched and waiting arms. And he did so even after I had decided to give it a bath in one of my concoctions, which meant having to wash the bear before I went to bed because I couldn't sleep without it. He was so patient with me.  
  
I replaced the bear with hesitance, but left the box open. I wanted to come back to it later. Searching for my own items wasn't why I came up here. I made my way through the room, and thought about where he might have put his own things. My boxes were labeled, and most of them were, but he probably threw his own up here to get away from them. I soon reached the other end of the attic where unlabeled boxes sat, arranged better than I thought they would be. I knelt down once more and slowly opened one of them, as though I were committing a crime and felt the heavy guilt of someone who knows better. But I had to remind myself that Dad would have never done this himself, and that if no one did, he would... I don't know. But I knew he felt an emptiness that only the loss of friendship can bring. I tried not to blame myself too much for it, even though it truly was my fault.  
  
On the top of this pile I saw his uniform, folded neatly as though he finally admitted to himself that he would no longer be wearing it, but wanted it to be somewhere where he could come back to it easily. Now that he was in his fifties, those days were long gone, and he came up to the attic rarely, if at all. I don't know what pain would be worse for him: if he never let himself remember his friends again, or if he looked at these things daily, only to have to come back to the reality that they were not with him anymore. I delicately placed the uniform on my lap, and searched again.  
  
I picked up an old, wooden, rectangular picture frame, in it a picture of the crew of the Enterprise, standing together before their departure. The edges of the photograph were worn, which was probably why he eventually put it in the frame. Everyone was smiling, save for T'Pol, who never smiled, or at least I was told. Vulcans never smiled, though it never bothered me to see T'Pol's serious face: it was just who she was. Hoshi's smile was delicate and sweet, and I've seen her a few times, which is enough to know that she herself was the same as her smile. Travis, who stood next to her, I recall meeting too. It was my birthday, and although he was on Enterprise at the time, he was kind enough to send a transmission to say hello. He was nice, though I barely remember him at all. The alien, the Denobulan, was Phlox, but I've only heard about him. And Malcolm never was one to make conversation- I never heard from him. He simply stood aside while others spoke.  
  
I looked then to Jon. I've known him for the longest time, though eventually, their missions on Enterprise drove them all farther and farther from Earth, only to result in fewer and fewer transmissions from him until they died out altogether.  
  
Finally, I allowed myself to look at my father. It seemed that now that I have seen everyone else briefly, I could look at him. He looked so young, so happy. His mouth was turned up in a wide grin, and his bright blue eyes sparkled with joy and excitement. It had been a long while since I've seen him completely happy, or at least close to it.  
  
I couldn't help feeling responsible for changing the vibrant young man in the picture into the tired, quiet old man that sat downstairs, reading another book out of his enormous collection. I could not believe that this was the same Charles Tucker III. But despite my attempts in the past to repress my thoughts of destruction, the discovery of this picture strengthened the fact that I had most definitely done damage. I wished then, for his sake, that he had never been my father.  
  
***************  
  
So? Was it a pretty good first chapter? I realize that nothing much as far as information goes happened in this chapter, but this is just a cliff hanger chapter. You're yet to see a better explaination of both of their lives, but in the next chapter, you'll get to see some. 


	3. Returning Past

I know it's been a while, but I've been bombarded with homework! Sorry! So here's the next chapter.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Returning Past  
  
I put the picture back into the box, and searched for another. There weren't many. He was on Enterprise for such a short period of time, about half of which was spent coming back to Earth. The box's contents were mostly data disks storing transmissions from the crew. Up until then, I never really grasped how much he missed them- so much so that he had to abandon their old transmissions. I closed up the box, but then thought twice about doing so. I reopened it, and randomly pulled out one of the data disks. There was an old computer up here, so I walked over to it, and turned it on. I put in the data disk, and watched the screen. The old monitor flickered as it came on, the scratchy sounds of static evident, though faint.  
  
The transmission date came up against the black screen, and I could see that it was the day before my first birthday. Jon's smiling face soon replaced the text, and for the first time in a decade, I heard his voice.  
  
"Hi, Trip-" and he said sweetly in the only way I could understand at the time- "hi K'Ela, happy birthday!"  
  
Then he began to talk to Dad with a more solemn tone. "How's it going, Trip? Did you end up going to your parents' house?" He paused. He looked as though he wanted to ask something, but wondered if it would be too painful for both of them. "I really hope you're doing well. Last time we spoke, you looked a little..." He sighed. "Tired." He hesitated once more, unsure of what to say exactly.  
  
Hearing this, my heart sank. I realized Dad wasn't too stable then. I know I've asked him about it before, but he just shrugged it off saying that it takes a while for anyone to get used to change.  
  
Jon continued. "I wish I could have sent you a transmission in real time, but things are getting really busy around here, and it's hard to find time that both of us can spare." He rested a second, sitting back a bit in his chair. "Trip, I've been trying to avoid bringing this up, but... you don't seem to be doing so well. Please, Trip, just talk to me about this. I don't want anything to happen to you, and it might help even a little, just... to get a few things off your chest." He allowed the idea to sink in before saying, "I'll talk to you in a little while, whenever's best. Goodbye."  
  
And with that, the screen went black. So did my mind. Jon's words echoed in my thoughts: "You don't seem to be doing so well. Please, Trip, just talk to me about this. I don't want anything to happen to you." What did that mean? I didn't want to think that he was that hurt by everything that happened, moving back to Earth, being a father. But now that I looked back on everything I could remember, it all made sense, and I almost couldn't believe that I never saw it before.  
  
I tried to think as far back as I could, even just to salvage a scrap of an image.  
  
I jumped into my dad's arms, getting him to wake up completely, though I think possibly hurting him in the process. It was early in the morning, at least for Dad, since he stayed up much later than I did. He sat forward in the chair, putting his arms around me.  
  
"I know. I'm awake," he said, hugging me. "You alright if we go out now?"  
  
I shook my head with a frown.  
  
"Why not, K'Ela? Why don't you want t' go t' school?"  
  
"I'm not like 'em, Daddy. I don't like when they pick on me."  
  
His shoulders slumped. "I know, I know..." He sighed. "But the truth is, you *are* like 'em on the inside." He almost said, "No- you're *better* than them." Maybe it was better that he didn't. He kissed me on the cheek, and it did make me feel a little less sad.  
  
"Now c'mon," he said with a smile. "You gotta catch the bus."  
  
As we walked to the end of our street, he held my hand to make me feel more at ease about going, although now that I looked back on this, I could see that holding my hand helped both of us. His face showed how nervous he was just to face the other parents at the bus stop.  
  
The air was humid and hot, as a Florida late summer day should be, the heat not so intense in the early morning. As we reached the end of the road, it became evident once more to me how different we really were. The other children were away from the parents, talking and playing, and some attempting to cause trouble, while the younger ones of course, who were still unsure of themselves, stood beside their parents, refusing to stray from their protective aura. The older kids were talking in their own little group as well, but none of their parents were there, for protection against embarrassment on their kids' parts. The parents were talking with one another, but once in a while one of them had to walk over and pull away a disobedient child.  
  
No one really acknowledged our arrival as friends do with each other, and not many hellos came from the "clique" of parents. Although, one person always was friendly to us, and she made sure to say "hi"- Sarah Eston. Her younger sister, Elisabeth, was one of the children that was off with the others, but she would later become one of my friends. I stood behind Dad the entire time.  
  
When the bus came, I didn't want to leave.  
  
"You're gonna be fine," he told me as he hugged me goodbye.  
  
I got on the bus and looked for a seat. The same glares I had gotten the year before hurt me much more now that I wasn't the "new kid;" I was just different. I almost started to cry, because I knew that the same treatment would be coming with those stares. Just then, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and I turned around. It was Elisabeth.  
  
"Do you want to sit with me?" she asked me.  
  
I just nodded, and we walked down the aisle until we found an empty seat. I sat at the window, and waved goodbye to Dad. A smile appeared on his face, one that was genuine now, out of happiness that I had left some of my anxiety behind, and he waved back. I watched him as we drove away, unwilling to leave my only comfort behind by turning away. But eventually, we drove too far for me to see his face, and I had to be aware of the bus now.  
  
The rows of seats were half full, the single Vulcan child quiet and dignified, while the human children were a blend of the quiet and the timid, and the hyper and uncontrollable, with the majority being somewhere in between the two extremes. Still, the cacophony of voices and laughter was a bit unsettling when I knew that mixed in were a few snickers and insults, many of which were at me. Of course, the Vulcan had insults thrown at him as well, and some spoken directly to him because they knew that a Vulcan may say something along the lines of a disapproval, but he couldn't fight back physically. In my mind, that was even crueler than exclusion.  
  
But I couldn't say life was *completely* bad, because there was always that group of kids who thought it was cool to have someone different around. They were my friends.  
  
When we arrived at the school, I and the rest of the second grade were led into the cafeteria by the principal, so from there we could be put into groups by who our teachers were. There was a dank smell that, though faint, still made me crinkle my nose. The whole school smelled old. Built in 2136, the brick and cement were now chipping away, and though the age of the school was covered up with new coats of paint, and the classrooms of the younger grades were filled with bright and happy colors, it smelled used. The scent of sterile material had dissipated years previous to my first day.  
  
The principal then let the teachers call off their student's names, and we all walked to our classrooms. We had to go up a flight of stairs to the second grade classrooms, and down to the end of the hallway. As I entered, I saw the small, wood and metal desks, ink scribbles covering small sections, and stuck to the front of the desks were name cards. We now had to search for our own names, then sit at that desk. It sounded easy enough. Mine was simple to spot, as it was right next to Mrs. Griffin's desk, on the right side of the room. I went right over to mine, unwilling to converse with the other students, some of which had never been in a class with me, and were whispering together. I didn't bother to pay attention.  
  
I looked at the laminated name tags, carefully stuck on the front of our desks with masking tape, to see who sat beside me. Once I sat, to my right would be Elisabeth Eston, and to my left would be David Quinn. I didn't know David, but at least I knew Elisabeth.  
  
I looked up as a short boy stopped at my desk. He had sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes. He, as all the others I haven't met before, was staring at me to try to figure out what species I was. He stared only for a few seconds, then looked at my name tag.  
  
"K... Ka... Kella..."  
  
"K'Ela," I corrected.  
  
"What kinda name is that?"  
  
"Xyrillian."  
  
He gave me a confused glare.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
"David Quinn."  
  
"You sit here, then," I said, gesturing toward the desk to my left.  
  
"I know," he said somewhat unkindly.  
  
He was a little hesitant to sit down, but realized he was going to be there for a long time, and sat. The rest of the class was enough to make a teacher go insane. All those that were not already sitting were talking with their friends (although everyone sitting was talking to their friends as well), and their voices combined with those that came in through our open door created a shrill tumult that filled the classroom.  
  
I was the first to notice that the teacher had called our attention. Mrs. Griffin was tall and lean, her features plain, but seemed much prettier with the addition of her thin-framed glasses and patient smile. "Class..." she called.  
  
It took a little while for them to notice her, but they did, and they sat down.  
  
The next few hours were a blur in my memory, and were barely more than a few scattered pictures that left gaps between events. The next thing I remember is coloring a paper of number patterns; one that, when colored correctly, created a picture. It was simple addition and subtraction, and I wasn't the only one who had this paper. Mrs. Griffin had given us this time to talk, while still doing some work.  
  
I was coloring contentedly with my dull yellow crayon when I heard, "So what species are you, anyway?" I guess David finally decided to speak to me.  
  
I looked up, a little stunned by his question that came out of the blue, and somewhat because I wanted to verify that he was speaking to me.  
  
"So?" he asked, becoming a little impatient at my silence.  
  
"Xyrillian," I said quietly.  
  
He waited a moment to speak, coloring in another abstract shape on the paper. "How do you say your name again?"  
  
"K'Ela." I was about to stop there, but then I abruptly added in, "Tucker."  
  
"So then... your dad's human," he inquired.  
  
I nodded.  
  
"And your mom's..."  
  
"Xyrillian," I helped. "But I've never seen her." I went back to coloring.  
  
"What happened to 'er?"  
  
I shrugged. "I don't know. I just never saw her."  
  
He looked a bit confused. "Did she die?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
My memory skipped again. Second grade was so long ago that the whole experience had almost dissipated from my mind. I next remember coming back home, Dad picking me up and tossing my backpack on the floor next to the stairs.  
  
That night at dinner, I felt compelled to ask about my mother.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"...What happened to mom?"  
  
He stopped eating, but still looked at the table. "Do you want to know about her?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"...I really wish I could tell you everything about her, but..." He stopped, knowing he'd have to tell me something. He wanted to wait until I was older to tell me everything; he knew there were things I wouldn't have understood at the time. But for now he would just have to answer my question. "She died, K'Ela. On her ship."  
  
I accepted this, knowing she was most likely gone from the start, but I didn't just leave it at that. "What was her name?"  
  
"Ah'Len."  
  
"Do you know how she died?"  
  
His eyes became far away, and he seemed frozen. He didn't move; he just sat and stared at the floor to his right.  
  
"Dad?" I asked quietly, leaning toward him to see his face more clearly.  
  
By saying that, I jolted him out of his daze. I then really wished I hadn't said anything, because he sat in silence for the rest of dinner. If I only knew the guilt he felt before I asked.  
  
  
  
I had to end it somewhere, although I wanted to end it a little bit later... Anyway. Good? Bad? Tell me, I can take it! Just keep to constructive criticism if you have to say something bad about it. (Don't just tell me it sucks!)  
  
I have a good concept of the next chapter, and of the end, but... see... there are those pesky chapters in the middle where I have just bits and pieces of plot. I'm not quite sure what to do, or what you want to see, so if you have something you REALLY want to see written, just post and tell me about it. You never know, you might just see it (and you bet I'll be sure to thank you). Here's your chance to participate!  
  
(I feel like a homeless person on the street... "Please? Help a poor author out with writer's block?") 


	4. An Old Friend

Alright, I know I said mid-December for this chapter and it's the beginning of January, but it just turned out that way. I not only had writer's block, I have also been drowned with homework. I've been pushing myself to write, and that's an understatement because I did not like writing this chapter knowing I could end up ruining this if I wasn't careful. But it needs to be here. Anyway... I absolutely HAVE to thank two people right now, because you helped me soooo much!  
  
I want to thank Braycat and Redhead for this chapter. I was so horribly stuck until Braycat reminded me that I never told you all why Archer hadn't talked to them in a long time, did I? That will be explained soon. ^_^ Thanks so much, because until that point, it was kind of just going to be mentioned, and just the reminder itself got my mind working again. And Redhead- there isn't one specific thing I can pick out which helped me the most- it all was great!  
  
Enjoy, and don't forget to review! (And yes, I know that intro was long! ^^;;;)  
  
Chapter 3  
  
An Old Friend  
  
It took me a while to realize that I had been staring at the wall for about ten minutes trying to remember my past, and that the screen on the computer had gone black a while ago. I felt like my heart had been taken from my body, and I began to feel warm tears filling my eyes. The memories I had spent so much of my life trying to forget were coming back to me all at once, and they weren't going to stop.  
  
I was mad at myself at first for remembering all of this, then mad because I made myself ignore it all to begin with. I wanted so badly to just run downstairs and hug my father, tell him how sorry I was, clear my conscience. Maybe then, for once, I would let these tears fall, and end the aching inside that I remembered all too well.  
  
But I stopped myself from going downstairs. I couldn't add my pain to his own. I couldn't remind him of everything that has been consuming his happiness over these years, and make him fall further away from everyone he loves. And how could I ever know how he felt? I realized it must have been how I was feeling right then: as though my world was sinking, and I couldn't move.  
  
I knew I had to do something. I couldn't just sit there and watch his spirit die.  
  
I knew then that I had to leave and talk to someone- anyone. I held my breath and walked downstairs, hoping he wouldn't ask where I was going. I was never good at lying. But he wasn't there, and it surprised me. He had made such a big deal about me coming back home, and it seemed odd for him to leave without a word two days after I arrived. But I realized that I spent all day up in the attic so far, and left him downstairs alone. I mentally scolded myself for doing so, knowing that in the process of my attempt to help him, I had most likely hurt him.  
  
There wasn't much I could do about it with him gone, so I just left a note saying that I had gone to see a friend, and that I would be back by evening at latest. I wondered if this was a good idea, knowing that I had only recently started talking to this person again. My company wasn't exactly expected, and might not be appreciated. But I went anyway.  
  
As I walked out the door, the humid summer air hit my face and surrounded me like a warm blanket. I let the rays of the sun try to comfort me as I walked to my car, though they did not. The brightness hurt my eyes a bit after coming out from the dismal light of the attic, but I didn't mind too much.  
  
I sat down and took out the Padd in my purse. I wanted to make sure I had the address right, though I felt as though I were intruding nonetheless. I had only recently begun to talk to her through letters and transmissions again, and still didn't know her all that well- not well enough to invite myself over in the middle of her vacation. But she would understand. She always did.  
  
  
  
I pressed the door chime in front of me to the hotel room, and waited for someone to answer. At first I thought no one was there, but just as I was about to leave, an older woman opened the door. The woman's face lit up at once when she saw me.  
  
"K'Ela!" she greeted me happily.  
  
"Hi, Hoshi." I was relieved that she wanted to see me. "I'm sorry for coming without sayin' anything first..."  
  
"No, no, it's fine," she assured me with a smile. "Come in," she said, gesturing for me to come in and sit. We sat down at the other end of the hotel room on two green chairs by the windows, and after a short pause, Hoshi spoke. "Wow... I haven't seen you in a long time. Last time I saw you, you were... nine."  
  
I smiled. I always remembered her visits, and was sad when she told us that day that she couldn't come anymore. She lived a long way away, and she had her own family to take care of. She would always talk to us, even though she couldn't come in person, but I missed her. Seeing her face again made me happy, though she was much older now than when I first knew her.  
  
Finally she noticed that I was practically covered in dust. She forced back a large grin, however, was failing to do so. "What happened?"  
  
I looked at my clothes, and brushed some of the dust off of me. "I was up in the attic for a while before I came."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah. I was... actually, I was lookin' through some of my dad's boxes," I said as though I were guilty of a crime and finally admitting to it. I didn't know if I should have interrupted a nice visit with sad news like this, but it was already said, and there was no way to erase that moment.  
  
She knew very well where I was going by telling her that. "K'Ela, I... Maybe you should talk to *him* first."  
  
"Hoshi, I've tried," I pleaded. "He doesn't want to talk about any of it- and I understand-... but I can't really help him if I don't even know what's wrong."  
  
A look of concern crossed her face. "He isn't doing well?"  
  
"He's just really quiet lately. I don't know why. And I don't know *why*, if he was doin' fine for so long, he's gettin' worse again." I was so scared for him, and Hoshi could see it in my eyes.  
  
"I doubt anyone would know why. He was always the kind of person to keep whatever was bothering him to himself, and no matter what it was, he would have a smile on that would brighten up the room."  
  
I nodded sadly, tears threatening to fall from my eyes. "I want t' help him."  
  
Hoshi stared at me for a few seconds, probably unsure if she should be the one to tell me this painful history, then sighed. "If you want me to tell you, I'll tell you. But I really want *him* to be the one..." She shook her head in disappointment and frustration at her inability to explain.  
  
"I know." I knew that she wanted my dad to be the one to explain this, because in truth, this isn't something that anyone else should explain. But he was more than unwilling to do so.  
  
He had divulged little bits and pieces of his past to me over my life so far, but I was still blind to the saddest events of his life. I was convinced that my arrival was bittersweet to the point of confusion, and it must have been difficult trying to conceal that from me at such a young age when he was still adjusting. But he did it somehow.  
  
I refrained from asking Hoshi about those events, because they were what she wanted Dad to choose whether or not to speak about. Nevertheless, for the first time in my life I would finally know the true depth of my father's despair.  
  
I smiled at Hoshi, knowing inwardly that I would finally make things better. I would finally be able to make up for his loss.  
  
  
  
Everyone please review, because reviews are what authors all live on. As essential as water. So tell me what you thought, and just keep in mind that this chapter sort of just sets up the next one. 


	5. Hoshi's Story

Thanks to several school projects at once, I had to put off writing. (Actually, I should have still been doing those projects when I started writing this, but I couldn't help myself. You can only pull an author away from her writing for so long!)  
  
Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, and I also *did* fix a little inconsistency that Redhead pointed out (...oops!). That's what happens when I have to put off writing... ^_^  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Hoshi's Story  
  
"He was really sweet," Hoshi told me. Then she added, giggling, "I think he got away with everything he did on Enterprise because of that."  
  
I smiled. Dad was still like that. No matter what he did, all he had to do was give me a look, and I would just laugh and let it go. It reminded me of the time when I was little when he accidentally dyed a white dress of mine pink in the wash. I never liked pink. In fact, at the time, I hated pink. But all he had to do was give me a guilty smile, and suddenly it became my Easter dress.  
  
"He really was nice to me, gave me a lot of courage to do things I never would have done if he wasn't there," she said, turning her deep brown eyes to look into mine. "He had a lot of courage of his own too."  
  
I looked at the floor, guilty, even though what Hoshi said wasn't meant to hurt me.  
  
"He didn't care what anyone said. He loved you. He was willing to listen to whatever anyone said about his decision as long as he had you."  
  
That comforted me a little, knowing that he loved me from the beginning. Even though he didn't tell me much, he did tell me about the difficult, as well as unusual, circumstances of my birth. I still knew nothing of my mother, except for her name, Ah'Len, and I still knew nothing of her impact on my father, or why he refused to speak to me about her. I had to remember not to bring her up with Hoshi. If I said anything, she would stop talking, remembering how she wanted my dad to be the one to tell me all of it.  
  
"What else?" I asked. "What else do you know about him?"  
  
For a split second, I thought I saw a trace of guilt on her face. I could see her searching her mind to find memories of my father, and making sure to avoid those that involved me.  
  
"Hoshi... I know you don't want to talk to me about it, but I doubt he's ever gonna tell me."  
  
"K'Ela, that's just the thing. If he doesn't want to tell you... maybe he has a good reason."  
  
I looked back at her, her eyes sad and her expression apologetic.  
  
"I know you want to help him, but I promised..."  
  
She had promised my dad not to tell me the truth. I couldn't believe it. What was so terrible that no one would tell me? I was about to ask more about Ah'Len, about why Hoshi had promised not to talk to me about my dad's past, about so many unanswered questions, but Hoshi spoke first, seeing me preparing to barrage her with many questions I couldn't even decide between asking.  
  
"We'll come back to that later, okay?" Hoshi asked weakly.  
  
"No, Hoshi, I have to know," I said, more desperately than I intended. "I have to know *something*."  
  
She was torn between two promises, knowing that she would have to break one of them. She stayed silent, biting her lower lip in thought, and watching me- or rather, staring off into space in my general direction. She stayed unmoving in her seat, debating her answer to me, wondering if there was any way to choose a response that wouldn't hurt anyone.  
  
Finally, she sighed, allowing her shoulders to fall limp, giving up at the idea of giving the ideal response. "What do you want to know?" she asked in defeat.  
  
There were so many questions, so many stories I wanted to hear, so many sad memories I *needed* to hear. The question really became not what I wanted to hear, but what I wanted to hear *first*. I had to brace myself, knowing that I was about to hear so many things that would hurt me, so many stories of disappointment. There really was no way to fully be able to prepare myself, but I had asked to hear the truth, and I couldn't turn away now.  
  
"I'm not sure where t' start from," I told her weakly.  
  
"Neither am I..." Hoshi said, shaking her head.  
  
"Well... D'you at least know my mother?" I don't know why I continued to ask about her- I never met her, or knew who she was, and she hadn't ever acknowledged that I was her daughter... so why did she continue to be a question of mine?  
  
Hoshi grimaced. "Not really. No. Your father's the only person who was onboard the Xyrillian ship. I only saw her briefly."  
  
"What exactly happened to her?" My voice caught in my throat. Whatever it was, it wasn't good.  
  
"Well... you see... we first met the Xyrillians because they were using our ship's plasma exhaust to fuel their ship, and eventually get home. That's why your dad went over there- to fix their engines."  
  
He told me about that. I remembered hearing that much. He told me about all the malfunctions that were caused by the presence of the cloaked ship, and helping them so they didn't have to use Enterprise to get home.  
  
"But... his repairs didn't last." She looked at the floor away from me, taking a quiet, solemn tone. "When we were finally able to find them again... they had picked the wrong ship to travel with. I'm sure you know about the poor relations between us and the Klingons..."  
  
I nodded.  
  
"The Xyrillian ship was unfortunate enough to choose a Klingon battle- cruiser to help them. All we wanted was to speak to the Xyrillians... get their help..." Her voice faded as she must have begun to remember what happened. "Captain Archer... tried to get the Klingons to let them go..." She shook her head. "They didn't. They allowed for him to make a fool of himself begging, and then..."  
  
She closed her eyes for a moment, forcing herself to go on. "They cut off the transmission. For a second, it seemed like they were going to let them go- they let the ship free from their tractor beam and started to move away. But then they shot at them... and destroyed the ship right in front of us."  
  
I couldn't believe it. From all I previously knew, Ah'Len just died on her ship. He never told me that the entire crew was murdered in front of them. "Oh my God..." I managed to choke out.  
  
"From what I guess... your dad feels responsible."  
  
I guess I always knew Ah'Len was more than just a forgotten past. There was never a mention of her- it was too much of a forced silence for her to have been forgotten.  
  
She allowed me to think in silence for a few seconds before continuing. She asked me quietly, "I know it's hard to think about, but does it help?"  
  
*Did* it really help to hear this? Maybe it didn't help me that much, but it helped my dad, and I was willing to continue. "Yeah."  
  
She put on a forced smile.  
  
I was so glad that I was getting closer to helping him, although a part of me selfishly wanted to know for myself. I couldn't help it. It was so frustrating though, to want to know all of it and want to forget all of it at the same time.  
  
My thoughts were interrupted when we heard a knock on the door, and Hoshi walked over to answer it. When she opened the door, her face paled, and her fingers were almost immediately drawn to pulling at the cuff of her sleeve.  
  
"Trip..."  
*gasp!* Did anyone see that coming? I know Redhead got it- great intuition! I wonder what's going to happen next...? Well, OK, *I* know what's going to happen next, but *you'll* just have to wait and see! ^_^ So, everyone review please! 


	6. The Whole Story

Ah, finally the entire story. Or is it?  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The Whole Story  
  
"Hi, Hoshi," came the quiet, but familiar voice of my father from the door. "I know I didn't exactly letcha know I was comin'... but I sorta found an address and your name-"  
  
On a piece of paper that *I* wrote them down on.  
  
"- and I realized I really needed t' talk t' you. 'S it alright if I come in?"  
  
I could see Hoshi freeze up, not knowing whether or not letting him in would be a good idea, but then, almost mechanically, she said, "Sure," and stepped back.  
  
I hardly knew I was holding my breath, but as soon as Hoshi took that step away from the door, I just couldn't breathe out. I knew from the start that I was taking a risk by searching through the past, but I guess I just never thought I would actually get caught.  
  
After what seemed too long a time, especially for someone who refused to let her breath out, in walked my dad. After what little I recently learned, it seemed like I was seeing the real him for the first time in my life. His dark blonde hair was dulled gray from old age, but his face only slightly more wrinkled than the face I remember from my childhood, and his deep blue eyes faded like the old picture in the attic. His movements were slower than I remember, though I wasn't sure whether that was because he was wary of being around Hoshi, or because of me.  
  
It didn't take him long for his eyes to find me, and when he did, he wasn't really sure what to think of finding me here, of all places. He looked from me to Hoshi, who had just closed the door behind him, and only when he saw the guilty looks on our faces did he accuse us of what he believed we had done from the moment he saw me.  
  
He stared at the floor, shaking his head in disappointment. He said sadly, "Hoshi... You promised you wouldn't ever tell 'er..."  
  
Hoshi looked at him with her head tilted to one side. "Trip, as much as I wanted to keep that promise, I just couldn't. She's worried about you. And *I'm* worried about you."  
  
"Well there's nothin' t' worry about, okay?" he asked sharply, turning his eyes on her.  
  
Hoshi began to pull at her sleeve again, turning her focus away from his gaze.  
  
"Dad..."  
  
He turned to me. "Why didn't you just let it go? The past is the past, leave it there."  
  
"I would've if you weren't so depressed lately."  
  
"I-" He stopped himself.  
  
By now, Hoshi had gone away from us to sit on the chair at the other end of the hotel, and my dad was, on one hand, furious at broken promises and just about everything I had done behind his back. But on the other hand, he was silently happy- I hoped- that I cared to help him, and that I might be able to.  
  
I had no idea what to say. Dad said nothing, and Hoshi didn't even move.  
  
Finally, after a long silence, his eyes became much gentler, and the anger in them faded away. He sat down in the chair beside mine, and took my hand. "I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?" I asked quietly.  
  
"For yellin' at you... when you just wanted t' help me." He looked over at Hoshi, his look softer now. "I'm sorry Hoshi."  
  
She gave him a half-smile. "That's alright." She took a second's pause to look at both of us, and said, "I think I'm just going to go outside and read... let you both talk alone."  
  
We both watched her step outside. She had grace- not only in her walk and in her speech, but also in how she simply left us without trying to clear her name for what she had done, left without trying to explain herself in a futile attempt to prove she wasn't guilty. I couldn't help but be... envious.  
  
He waited for Hoshi to leave before asking, "So what'd she tell you?"  
  
"She told me about Ah'Len," I said bluntly.  
  
"Hm."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"I don't know..." he said quietly.  
  
"D' you think it was your fault?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"We only went back and found them because of *me*. The Klingons wouldn't have found them if we didn't go back."  
  
"Well what if they did anyway?"  
  
"It was my fault I didn't fix the engines!" he told me, his voice wavering and tears blurring his eyes.  
  
Just then, a realization came to mind, and my heart sank. I had to ask, even though I already knew the answer. "Why'd you try t' find them?"  
  
He dropped his head, not wanting to tell me what I painfully already knew. "K'Ela... what else was I s'posed t' do? At the time, I thought I wouldn't be able t' take care of you. I wanted you t' have somethin' better than what I could give you." He flashed me a nervous smile. "But I can't pretend that I did it selflessly. I was scared. I just wanted things t' go back t' normal."  
  
"When did you actually want me?" I asked, trying to take some of the sharpness out of my tone.  
  
Still, I hurt him, and he took a moment to regain himself before he answered me. "I think I started t' actually think about things a lot later than I wanted to believe. At first, I just assumed we would find the Xyrillians, and I just refused to think about anything beyond how much I hated bein' pregnant.  
  
"But then... when I realized I couldn't go back to Ah'Len an' tell 'er t' help me... I looked at all my options."  
  
"Did you ever..." The words felt as though they were a lump in my throat. "... want an abortion?"  
  
"Never," he said, shaking his head. "I thought about it all, I'm not gonna lie, but I wasn't gonna do that. I weighed out all my options, and somewhere in that process..." He smiled at me. "... I realized how much I loved you."  
  
I smiled back. I leaned over to his chair and hugged him. I hadn't exactly took into consideration all the tough decisions he had to make before I was even born, or maybe I was just didn't want to believe the complexity behind it all. Either way, I knew now I had heard the whole story, and he had been able to confide in me.  
  
I was so happy that this whole problem with secrets was over.  
  
Suddenly, a flash went through my mind, and I wasn't so at ease anymore.  
  
I saw Jon, pacing in our house. I didn't ever remember him being in our house, though I remember his transmissions. I knew why when I looked down. In my arms was unmistakably me as a toddler, my eyes shut in a deep sleep.  
  
"Trip, why do you think that makes a difference?" Jon asked.  
  
Then I heard myself respond, "I tried t' believe I was the same, but I'm not. I'm just not comfortable around everyone like before."  
  
Jon stopped, giving me a confused glare. "Including me?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"And you're not going to even try? Trip, the whole idea of adjusting is to actually try to make things work even though things are different."  
  
"Believe me, I tried. But every transmission and every conversation showed me that no one really was comfortable, and no one knew what to say. Your whole life for these three years while I was here was Enterprise, and meeting new people and new species, and you're gonna go back in a little while an' do it again. My whole life since comin' back t' Earth has been K'Ela. As much as I wouldn't trade this life with her in for the whole universe, you gotta realize we can't relate anymore."  
  
Jon breathed out a long sigh, nodding. "I'm sorry, Trip."  
  
"K'Ela?" asked my dad, concerned that I hadn't responded, or maybe that I hadn't let go of him. "K'Ela, are you alright?"  
  
I was terrified. What *was* that? Was that just my imagination, or was it an actual memory of my father's that I somehow was able to see?  
  
I realized then that he was still watching me, waiting for me to respond. I tried to regain as much composure as I could, and said, "I'm fine."  
Did you think it was over? Oh, now it's never *that* easy! ^_^ Please review- oh, and I know lately, I've been getting e-mails that people are unable to use the review board (probably with all the construction on the site), so if you can't, or you don't want to, all e-mails are welcome... that is, except for flames. You want to e-mail me, my address is FirstSnow1212@aol.com. 


	7. Confusion

Okay, just so there isn't any confusion (Oh- ha! No pun intended ^_^), K'Ela is 26 years old. I kinda tell you that in this chapter, but just in case you miss that, I'm telling you here. She was only remembering when she was younger.  
  
So... enjoy! Oh- there's a really tiny spoiler for "Breaking the Ice," but not really.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Confusion  
  
"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked me, making sure I was as fine as I said I was.  
  
"Yeah," I lied, and I allowed him to believe that.  
  
I realized then that I needed an excuse to get out of there, away from the person I thought I would finally be able to be comfortable around. I said, "I just remembered I left something in my car," and left, passing Hoshi, and telling her she could go back inside.  
  
Inwardly I scolded myself for the lame excuse, but I had thought of nothing better, and he didn't really question- not that I left him any time to do so.  
  
I got into my car, just glad to be alone, when I remembered that I actually had to find something to take back with me. I shrugged that thought away, it being unnecessary to do so. Besides... I had more trying thoughts to deal with.  
  
I at first believed I was going insane. There was no possible way for me to have seen one of my father's memories... Or was there? He had told me that he and Ah'Len read each other's minds, using telepathic granules of some kind. Maybe that same connection... oh, I hoped not. Besides, I tried to convince myself, they only could do that using the granules. Just thinking about that gave me a sick feeling in my stomach.  
  
I looked down at the floor, trying to distract myself from my thoughts, and there, lying on the coarse, black rug was a key. I picked it up, brushing some of the sand and dirt off the cool brass. It was unfamiliar to me, so it must have been my dad's.  
  
Suddenly, the same bright flash of light went through my mind, and I gasped, letting the key fall from my fingers. I sat back in the seat, shaken by the experience, but at least assured that whatever was happening, it wasn't the same connection that my father and Ah'Len shared. This was a much shorter, more random connection. But that scared me too. How would I know when it would happen again?  
  
I looked back down at the key, wondering if I should attempt to pick it up again. Finally I decided I should, and I struggled to get it out from under the gas pedal. The metal once again felt cool in my hand, but nothing happened. I turned it over and over in my hand, wondering if the connection was lost, and if I could have ever initiated it myself.  
  
I was just about to put it down when a memory came into my thoughts.  
  
The door was white, and the glass of the window was oval in shape, with white floral designs restricting the view inside. As the key unlocked the door and it opened, the inside of this house was shown to me... or whoever I was. To my right was a living room, with dim lighting, giving the entire area a deeper, richer color, and while it looked more solemn, a feeling of comfort surfaced in my mind.  
  
To my left was a staircase, one with a burgundy rug that was worn from years of use until its once soft texture became hard like the wood beneath it. I looked up, my eyes following the wooden railing's sharp turns up to the second floor until it disappeared from my sight.  
  
Ahead of me was the warm glow of the bright light of the kitchen area, the light seeping past the boundaries of the kitchen and into the hallway. From this spot I could see the entire length of the house's first floor, one beautiful room after another.  
  
From across the house, I heard a bright voice say, "Hello? Who is it?"  
  
It was a woman's voice- an older woman- whose cheery words, though plain if it weren't for her tone, brought a smile to my lips. However, I could feel this person's heart skip a beat, and one word arose in my thoughts: mom.  
  
I dropped the key, hearing a muffled clang as it fell on the floor. I suddenly didn't want to touch anything. Everything held a memory, and I was done searching through the past. I didn't want to know any more. I got out of the car, and was just about to open the door to the hotel room, but I heard Hoshi and my dad talking. I wouldn't have normally eavesdropped, but I heard my name. They were talking about me.  
  
"I don't understand, though," said Hoshi. "Why don't you want to see her?"  
  
My father sighed. "I haven't seen her in a long time. I forgot how much she looks like her mother."  
  
"Trip, it's been twenty-six years since you saw Ah'Len."  
  
"I know, I know. It shouldn't hurt me this much. I don't know why it does."  
  
*I* knew. He had spent so long trying to forget about her, my arrival back home just brought all those memories back with me.  
  
Hearing a break in conversation, I re-entered the room, pretending I heard nothing. I had definitely had enough problems for one day.  
  
We all talked like nothing happened for the next two hours, catching up on each other's lives, listening to stories about life here in Florida, or on Enterprise- which I was surprised to see that my dad was actually enjoying listening to.  
  
We then were going to go back home, I stopped to talk to Hoshi alone for a minute.  
  
"Hoshi, I wanted t' ask you somethin'."  
  
She turned to face me, waiting for me to continue, but the expression on her face telling me silently, "No, please no more questions."  
  
"I was just wondering how long you were stayin' here in Florida."  
  
"Just a few more days. Why?"  
  
"I was gonna try t' do somethin' special for his birthday, and I was thinking that he might like it if you came. I was hopin' to get everyone else from Enterprise t' come too."  
  
"That would be pretty hard to do. *I* can come... but it's sad to say that I'd be the only one. T'Pol went back to Vulcan a little while after your dad left Enterprise to marry a man named Koss. Dr. Phlox went back to Denobula after Enterprise came back home, but who knows where he is now; the Interspecies Medical Exchange program sends him all over the universe. Travis is the captain of a cargo ship, a long way away from here. Everyone went their separate ways."  
  
There was an awkward pause.  
  
"What about Jon?" I asked.  
  
"...I don't think Jon and your dad are on the best of terms. They had a pretty bad argument a long time ago. I have no idea why, or what about, but when the captain came back to Enterprise..." She sighed. "I know he didn't give up trying to talk to your dad, but things just didn't work out."  
  
That was what I saw. So I wasn't going crazy after all.  
  
"What about Malcolm?" I asked, changing the subject.  
  
"I don't know. He never really talked much. Trip got him to talk a little, and so did the captain, but he pretty much kept to himself."  
  
"Oh..." I said sadly.  
  
"But *I'll* come," Hoshi told me.  
  
I smiled. "But I'm still gonna try an' find Jon and Malcolm."  
  
She nodded, accepting my efforts.  
  
We arrived home, discussing Enterprise, and talking more in those minutes than we had all morning.  
  
As my dad walked down the hallway, I closed the door behind me. The same flash of light went through my mind, and I had to hold on to the frame of the door for support. As I touched the frame of the door, another flash hit me. Pictures flashed through my mind at random, none of them connected to each other, and all of them joined by emotions that I couldn't explain. I heard so many people talking, and none of it made any sense.  
  
Just when I thought it was over, more pictures shot through my thoughts, changing and playing over and over in my mind, with no sequence and no importance, and bombarding me with other people's thoughts. Anger, hate, happiness, fear, satisfaction, uneasiness, pain, gratification all surged in me until I couldn't take it anymore.  
  
I could feel myself collapsing, but the memories didn't take pity on me. They continued through my tears, putting me through even more agonizing pain.  
  
As I felt myself hit the floor, I could hear a far-away voice shout with concern, "K'Ela!"  
*sniffle* Poor K'Ela... I hope you liked it! Review and tell me what you thought. 


	8. The Calm Before the Storm

I know this chapter took a little while, but homework. well. it's there. And thanks to it, writing's a bit of a slow process. I wouldn't count on seeing the next chapter very soon. Anyway. enjoy. ^ - ^  
  
Chapter 7  
  
The Calm Before the Storm  
  
I could hear the humming of the scanner as it was swept over my head, looking over at my father sitting nervously in the corner. I was still shaking from what happened, not to mention the fact that I had developed a terrible migraine from the experience. It wasn't one I wanted to repeat ever again.  
  
I looked around the office at the arrangement of assorted medical tools, waiting for the doctor to tell me that he couldn't help me. There was never a doctor that knew what to do with me, so why would this one know what was happening to me now?  
  
"Your synaptic activity is unusually high..." said the doctor. "From what I can see... there aren't any abnormalities... none that should concern you."  
  
"What do you mean?" my dad asked, obviously alarmed.  
  
The doctor kept calm, hoping that would relax him. "As I told you, her neurological impulses are high above normal on the charts- it's something I can't explain, but..." he turned to me, and said, referring to not only the readings but also my quote-unquote "visions," "apparently all this is normal to Xyrillians?"  
  
I nodded. "I think," I told him quietly.  
  
"Would you like me to run further scans?" he asked me.  
  
I took a moment to think about it, but I knew from the start that he wouldn't be able to help me, or even know what he was doing to begin with. "No."  
  
He smiled at me and said, "I have another patient I have to see, but I'll come back in a little while to check on you." Then he left the room.  
  
"So how long has this been happenin'?" my dad asked me after a few seconds.  
  
"They started today." I already told the doctor that, but he probably didn't hear it in his panic. "They kinda happen at random."  
  
"I wonder if this is normal..." he said, more to himself than me.  
  
"Who knows..."  
  
He stopped to take a long look into my eyes, as if he were trying to search for the answer to his question in them. "What'd you see?"  
  
"I couldn't make anythin' out the last time. It was just too much."  
  
"What about before? When we were with Hoshi?"  
  
He knew. "How'd you know...?" I asked pathetically.  
  
"It was kinda obvious once I put all the pieces t'gether. You looked kinda confused. An' scared."  
  
I looked away. "Yeah..." It must have been a look he knew all too well.  
  
"So what'd ya see?"  
  
"It was nothin' important," I lied. But I couldn't lie for long. I could stand his glare for about three seconds before the truth came out. I sighed, which got his full attention. "I saw a memory of you and Jon."  
  
"Lemmie guess..." he said dejectedly. "At home, havin' a big argument, you just a toddler in my arms."  
  
I cringed. "Yeah. That was a pretty good guess."  
  
"You're forgettin'- I was the one havin' the memory at the time."  
  
"Oh... I didn't realize it worked that way." I had no idea. Then again, I had no idea that this whole thing could even happen to me.  
  
He ran his hand back through his graying hair. "Yeah. I think I've got this figured out, but... 'm not sure."  
  
Just then, the doctor came back in the room, sighing. "Hello again."  
  
There was an awkward silence, thankfully one unnoticed by the doctor, because he continued anyway, "I realized... that in all this rush and panic, I barely asked you how you're feeling."  
  
"I'm fine now," I said, avoiding all eye contact in the room. It was pretty embarrassing for me, even though it probably shouldn't have been. It was just that I was an unusual case, as I always had been.  
  
I could feel his eyes on me, but I dared not look up to meet his gaze.  
  
I heard him sigh again. "I'm not sure how much I can do for you... I'm not exactly an expert on Xyrillians, and if this is something normal... I can't exactly cure you."  
  
I hung my head in defeat. I was starting to get very tired of hearing "I'm sorry, I don't know, there's nothing I can do."  
  
"Y' think there's anyone she can see that might know how t' help 'er?" my dad asked quietly from the corner.  
  
I looked up at him. He almost blended into that corner, not that he was trying, but just that he had become so used to it being his place, and his eyes were so sad that it hurt to look into them. I was tired of hurting him.  
  
The doctor shrugged his shoulders. Why couldn't he just say no? Why couldn't he just let us down quickly and simply- with just a little sympathy- rather than letting us hope? "I think the only doctor with any experience is Dr. Phlox," he told us, and at hearing his name, my dad sunk deeper into the corner.  
  
"That's what I thought," he mumbled.  
  
"He's on Denobula now, isn't he?" My father nodded, and he continued to both of us, "Maybe you can try to contact him."  
  
"I'll try," I told him. "Thanks for your help," I said, as though it had become mechanical- automatic and without any real meaning to me anymore.  
  
He gave me a sympathetic smile, silently wishing me well, and I got up to leave, my dad already standing, waiting for me. It was all routine.  
  
I stood up too fast, however, when I hopped off the bed as if nothing had happened, and my shaky footing helped me none as I felt the room start to sway. I don't know why I pretended everything was alright, but now it was obvious that I was not. I began to stumble, the ground beneath me swaying with the rest of the room.  
  
Thankfully, my dad caught me before I started to fall. I smiled at him, a silent thanks for catching me, and balanced myself. However, he had triggered another telepathic memory. It was much less traumatic than the last one, thankfully. My eyes glazed over and I could feel myself start falling. My eyes stopped focusing, and I could feel the fear in my dad's eyes, though I was unable to look directly at him.  
  
I could hear the doctor coming back, worried for me, saying, "She's having another episode..."  
  
Episode. That's one way to put it...  
  
I was laid back down on the hospital bed, and for a while, my eyes stayed open to the real world, lingering for my last few moments in the present, hearing my father and the doctor talk to each other.  
  
"No! Don't touch 'er!" I heard my dad say in fear.  
  
"Don't worry, I won't," the doctor said, trying to calm him down.  
  
There was a silence, one filled with repressed panic.  
  
"...Is she gonna be okay?" my dad asked quietly, his voice wavering.  
  
"Eventually."  
  
//You don't know that,// I thought sadly. //How would you?//  
  
I could feel my dad clasp my hand tightly, then speak to me in a soft voice. "I know I might be makin' these visions worse by holdin' your hand like this... but I don't know what else t' do for ya. But yer gonna be alright, K'Ela... don't worry."  
  
But the truth is, I wasn't worried. I was at first, but the fear just started to drift away. A strange calmness swept over me as my father's face was replaced with darkness, and I slipped into whatever memory it was that brought me my newest torment. I could feel my hand fall from his, and I was alone.  
  
So many things went through my mind, at first my own fears and worries, but then thoughts that were not my own flooded my mind. Thankfully, unlike the time before, the thoughts weren't jumbled together, but it still was uncanny to feel someone else's emotions.  
  
I could feel my eyes open gradually, fluttering and dismissing the darkness. At first I thought I had woken up without ever really having a memory, because there in front of me once again was my dad's face. Only... he was about twenty years younger than the man I saw holding my hand seconds earlier. And it didn't take me long to realize that I was staring into a mirror, which frightened me more than words can describe.  
  
I gasped, backing away. But then I realized... *I* had backed away. If I was looking through the eyes of my dad in this memory, how would I be able to back away, when clearly, that was my own action? This was different from the first memory; we were completely separate entities this time.  
  
Just then, a sudden flash of dread went through my thoughts. I guess we weren't *completely* separate- at least not our brain waves.  
  
I looked around. Nothing was familiar here, wherever we were. I then turned back to my dad. He looked so worried about something, but I couldn't tell why. Nothing was happening, I was just there, waiting. That's when I realized that whatever memory I was having... I wasn't getting out of it any time soon.  
Wondering what's going to happen? ^ - ^ You'll see.  
  
Don't forget to review and tell me what you thought! 


	9. Untold Truth

Yeah, I know I said you might not see this chapter any time soon, but then the weekend came, and now I have much more time to write! Yay! But still, no promises for the next few, either.  
  
So where *is* K'Ela?  
  
Chapter 8  
  
Untold Truth  
  
The world seemed to either stop, or go on without us as I stared into the eyes of my father. He was young... so much younger than the man I knew. It was the man I saw from the picture in the attic, and I wanted to believe that his spirit was the same, but I couldn't delude myself. He was tired. Weak. Hurt. The old Trip was gone.  
  
But not entirely. This man wasn't meek like the man I knew. There was a strength and a determination about him, one that gave him some courage to speak loudly, voice his opinions, tell people what he thinks. A courage I could feel him losing quickly as I watched him.  
  
He sighed, and ran his hands back through his hair. "Ah, hell... I dunno how I'm gonna tell 'em..."  
  
"Tell who what?" I asked quietly, more to myself than actually believing he would answer me.  
  
He waited a moment, then cleared his throat, and walked into the hallway.  
  
I followed, looking around. The place was strangely familiar, though I know I had never been here before. I looked more closely, and finally saw why. To my right was a dimly lit living room, solemn but warm and comfortable; to my left was a carpeted stairway- burgundy; behind was a white door, the glass pane tinted with a frosty floral pattern; and just ahead was the kitchen, and whatever lay beyond it. This was the house I saw when I touched the key, and this was a continuation of that memory.  
  
Then I realized: I would see my grandmother and grandfather. I always wanted to know who they were, but they were never a part of my life.  
  
And there in front of me as we entered the kitchen area, sitting at a table, was an older woman. She had brown hair with gray strewn in, and deep blue eyes like my dad. She had a soft and gentle air to her, however, that was not the look on her face when we entered. Everyone seemed to be so tense about something, and I was about to find out what.  
  
She had just turned off the television when we neared her.  
  
"I jus' saw you on the news, Charlie," she told him, her eyes sad, and a little disappointment shone through as well.  
  
"I was kinda hopin' t' be the one t' tell you." He still stood, shifting nervously from one foot to the other, then realized he probably wanted to sit before he had to give the big explanation, so he sat in the chair adjacent to hers.  
  
She shook her head, and said quietly, "Why'd you quit Starfleet? It was all over the news that you quit, but not even the media could get hold a' the whole story."  
  
"Oh no..." I whispered out loud.  
  
"Uhh... well..." I could see his hands shaking a bit as he turned his gaze on the table cloth, and started pulling at the loose strings. "That's... what I wanted t' tell you." He sighed shakily, then told her, "I... I have a daughter now."  
  
She was in shock, and was silent for a few seconds before speaking again, this time in anger. "Charlie, I thought better of you. Natalie's been waitin' for you, supportin' you in goin' for yer dream... and you don' even *care* that the woman that loves you is willin' t' stay with you even though you've been away all this time?"  
  
He was hurt, but he managed to continue. "Ma, I didn't do what'cha think I did."  
  
"Oh, that's funny, 'cause I thought you just said you had a daughter!" she said sarcastically.  
  
He blushed a bright red, embarrassed.  
  
I didn't want to be there. I was really ashamed of myself. Here I was, the cause of all the fighting, and I couldn't even help. I was the reason that my grandmother was angry, thinking my dad cheated on his girlfriend, and the reason my dad wanted to just sink into the shadows.  
  
"He didn't do anything!" I heard myself cry out.  
  
My grandmother looked at him sadly. He looked like he wanted to cry. She didn't really know what to make of that. She took a minute to calm down, but still had a cool tone to her voice. "So why hasn't the *mother* taken any responsibility?"  
  
In my mind, I saw pieces of a ship, flying past me in an explosion, charred metal and burning plasma the only remains of the obliterated Xyrillian ship.  
  
I backed up against the wall. So that was what it looked like. That was what haunted my father every time he thought of the Xyrillians. It was one of the most terrible things I'd ever seen.  
  
"She's dead," my dad told her, maybe a bit too bluntly, especially after what I had just seen go through his mind.  
  
"Come on, Dad!" I told him. "Why are you just answerin' 'er instead a' tellin' 'er what really happened?"  
  
Apparently I wasn't the only one ashamed of myself.  
  
But he said something then I didn't think he was going to reveal.  
  
"She died a while before K'Ela was born," he said quietly, still avoiding her gaze.  
  
Finally. He was finally able to tell her. I was beginning to be very proud of him.  
  
My grandmother looked like she was going to pass out. "What?" she asked, her voice wavering.  
  
"She... she died a while before K'Ela was born," he repeated.  
  
"K'Ela... is your daughter's name?" she asked timidly.  
  
He nodded, finally looking up at her.  
  
"She isn't human then?"  
  
He shook his head. "Not at all."  
  
"Oh..." She sat forward, leaning with her elbow on the table, and her face in her hand. "I..."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He let her dwell on that for a minute, before moving on to the next part of the explanation. "And I don' want you t' think I cheated on Natalie. I didn't."  
  
She just made a noise of attempted speech and shrugged.  
  
I couldn't help smiling. I think my father had just traumatized my grandmother.  
  
He explained the "birds and the bees" in Xyrillian terms to his poor mother, and waited to hear her response.  
  
She sat dumbfounded for a second before saying, "I'm really sorry fer yellin' at you, Charlie. It's just... that was *not* the first explanation that came to mind when you told me you have a daughter..."  
  
He smiled weakly, and agreed.  
  
That's when things changed for the worse.  
  
"Charlie... there's somethin' that really bothers me about this, though, and I know it's not what you wanna hear, but... just listen, alright?"  
  
He sighed, accepting he would have to.  
  
Her eyes filled with tears. "You were raped."  
  
That hit both my father and me like being hit by a car. I felt my legs go weak, and I almost collapsed.  
  
"Don't say that," he told her.  
  
"I have to. You know it's the truth. She told you it was a *game* you were playing. That was *anythin'* but a game."  
  
"Stop!" he yelled, standing up. "Why are you tellin' me this?! How is that helpin' me?!"  
  
She stood up and put her arms around him, trying to comfort him from the hard truth she had just told him, the tears falling from both their eyes. "Because you won't even admit it t' *yourself*. You need t' hear the truth."  
  
"No..." I said quietly, shaking my head, trying to make myself believe it was a lie. "No... It's not the truth... It's not the truth!" I shouted through tears.  
  
He knew he didn't want to admit it to himself, and *I* knew I didn't either, but it was real. And maybe he *had* needed to hear that. Maybe hearing that lifted a burden from him, and he could feel that the painful truth that he knew had cleared his name of cheating on Natalie, which he had not done.  
  
Only, *I* did not want to hear it. I didn't want to know that I came to be through rape, and that, yes, I *had* been the destruction of my father's entire life.  
  
I wanted everything to go back to the way it was before I decided to research his past, so I wouldn't have to know these things. I felt awful, and I thought things couldn't get any worse. But they did.  
Poor guys... Wonder how Trip's *dad* is going to react? Hmmm... Let's just say... not good.  
  
Be nice and review please! ^ - ^ 


	10. Falling

Ack! Writing is slow. It's all school's fault! #^ . ^#;;;;; Anyway... sorry for the delay, although I don't think anyone was more eager to move on in the story than I was! So much angst! Isn't it great? ^ - ^  
  
Chapter 9  
  
Falling  
  
As they talked, I couldn't help feeling awful, as though someone had tightened their grip on my heart until it was ready to burst. My mind just completely went blank, and I could only stare off into nowhere as life went on around me. What else didn't I know? Who else just drifted briefly in and out of my life, making it hell for my father and me and then leaving? And had my dad lied to me my entire life?  
  
I looked over at the two of them, talking together. They were so calm. It didn't seem right when I was crying.  
  
"So where's K'Ela now?" she asked my dad.  
  
"I decided it'd be better if she stayed with a neighbor while I was here. I really didn't wanna leave 'er, but... I figured there'd be a lot of yellin' today," he said solemnly. "I'm gonna try not t' traumatize 'er this early in 'er life."  
  
"It's gonna happen anyway, ya don't need t' try not to," I said from my spot on the floor. I had pretty much sunk down there when I heard the truth behind the story with him and Ah'Len, and I had no intention of getting up.  
  
I couldn't believe I ever cared what happened to her. She deceived my father, and she hurt him.  
  
And that awful word: rape. It stayed present in my thoughts and left a bitter taste in my mouth. It stayed with me, plagued me, burned inside me. I felt a whole lot like throwing up. I just wanted it all to go away.  
  
"So..." my grandmother sighed, interrupting my thoughts. "Do you have a place to stay?"  
  
"Yeah. Don't worry about us."  
  
"I have to. It's my job," she joked, but she was very serious.  
  
They looked at each other then with a shared understanding; they were both parents worried about their children, each with good reason.  
  
I heard the door open, and anxiety froze me. My grandfather walked into the kitchen, looking from my grandmother to my father. He was obviously distressed.  
  
"Trip," he greeted, holding back his urge to speak right away about what was bothering him.  
  
"Hi dad."  
  
He continued to look at my father, but addressed my grandmother. "I need t' talk t' Trip alone a minute."  
  
I could tell she knew it wasn't a very good idea, but she really had to let the two of them discuss- or really, argue about- this whole situation. She went to the living room, but listened to their conversation, ready to get between them if necessary.  
  
I don't know how long I listened for. For whatever amount of time, it was too long. My grandfather would hardly let him explain. He didn't want to hear it. My father had thrown his life away, had given up everything he worked so hard for, had disappointed him more than he would really know... and he continued to make my dad feel less and less like explaining.  
  
My father tried to intervene, as well as my grandmother, but it was hopeless. He wanted to finish, to have his say on things. He wanted to "clear things up," but there never was an opportunity for my dad to speak. Nevertheless, there were many rumors already floating around town, and they needed to be addressed.  
  
He told my dad that he wasn't the same son that left with all those dreams, the person that he tried to support no matter what. He told my dad some of the rumors he had heard, some of which were very far off from the real reason why he had returned, and most of which criticized his character.  
  
I was shaking by then, sobbing uncontrollably. Why was he doing this? If he only let my father explain...  
  
And finally, he did. He just blurted the whole thing out, his voice overpowering his father's, and stunning him with the truth.  
  
The tears still slipped down my cheeks, but the pain inside was beginning to subside with a feeling of numbness. I felt like I was fading, nothing more than an illusion.  
  
My grandfather was taken aback for a moment from what he had just heard, then responded. "Trip... why?"  
  
He just stared back in bewilderment. "'Why?'!"  
  
"What possessed you t' do this?"  
  
Both my dad and I were amazed. Wasn't he ever going to realize he was wrong? And that now that he knew the truth behind my father's return home, shouldn't he at least support him, as he said he always had before?  
  
"You know what ya did was almost impossible, an' not meant t' ever happen t' *begin* with," he tried to convince his son. "Now yer tryin' t' *raise* this baby that'cha know nothin' about? An' ya think that *that* was a *good* decision? Ya shoulda left 'er with people of 'er own species who know how'ta take care of 'er, Trip."  
  
He took a moment to try to collect himself before the rage came out. "Dammit, Dad, why can't you just *accept* what I did?! I don't care if ya agree or not, but at least acknowledge the fact that I had *reasons*!"  
  
I began to come back from the numb feeling, the feeling of just slipping away, and back to the pain. I stood up, wiping the tears from my eyes. I wanted to get away. I don't know what it was, I just couldn't sit there anymore, listening to all of it. But when I tried to leave the room, I stopped moving. The more I tried, the more paralyzed I felt.  
  
"Fine," said my grandfather, but I couldn't tell whether his tone was sympathetic, or cold. "Then accept *my* reasons."  
  
It was impossible to leave, as hard as I tried. I had to stay with my father, to see what he saw and hear what he heard. It was no use, so I just gave up and went back to the middle of the room. I was going to see what I was going to see, and I was just going to have to take it.  
  
When I turned around, I could see my father was seething with anger, but doing his best to keep as calm as he could. His emotions were easy to feel, but his thoughts were very mixed. On one hand, he could see his own father was angry because my father had given up his life for me, and on the other hand, he was angry that his father refused to see the other side of things. There was just so much confusion...  
  
"You don't have any reasons," my dad said quietly, but unkindly.  
  
"What?" his father spat back.  
  
"Charlie!" my grandmother gasped in disbelief, and I couldn't believe it myself.  
  
"It's true, ma!" he told her. "He has no reasons! Not compared t' mine!"  
  
"You don't hafta argue with me, Trip!" he insisted. "I can see *your* reasons!" He made a noise of frustration. "Dammit, I'm on your side!"  
  
My dad was beginning to turn red with anger. "You're on my side?" he challenged. "Then tell me- do you want K'Ela as a granddaughter?"  
  
My grandfather opened his mouth to answer, but said nothing.  
  
"That's what I thought," my dad said disappointedly, and stormed out, my grandmother in tears calling after him.  
  
I could feel the memory falling away from me, the voices fading into nothing, the emotions slipping from my body, the light disappearing. It was like the entire world was melting, and I was left in the darkness, all alone.  
  
It was so dark, and I wasn't waking up. I just couldn't. I was trapped.  
  
Then I heard something. I looked up, but I saw nothing. I tried to strain my eyes to hope I could see something; I was the victim of the awful fear of something that I couldn't see.  
  
I felt something grab my arm, and I screamed, pulling away. But no matter where I went, whatever it was had its grip on me. It held my arm tight, and then I could feel it restraining me from moving.  
  
"Help!" I screamed through tears. "Please! Somebody help me!"  
  
I felt like I could hardly breathe, and I could feel the darkness closing around me, tightening until it began to hurt. I cried until I could barely breathe, my efforts to break free were to no avail.  
  
"Please..." I sobbed pitifully. "Please... no..."  
  
Then the darkness began to pull me down into its endless depths, and I used all my energy to try to struggle free once more, screaming the entire time, and tears streaming down my cheeks.  
  
"No! No! Help! Please, somebody, help me!" I cried, my voice straining from all my shouting.  
  
Suddenly, light came through, and pierced the darkness. I woke up to hear myself screaming, and several people trying to restrain me as I tried to tear myself away from their hold.  
  
"K'Ela! K'Ela!" my dad cried, trying to call me back to my senses, as he held my shoulders. "You're alright... You're okay..." he told me.  
  
I shook fiercely, unable to stop the convulsions, but he hugged me tightly, unwilling to let me believe I was alone- like I was in the darkness.  
  
My eyes wouldn't really focus or look away from the ceiling, but I could see the doctor in the corner of my eye with a hypospray, most likely empty after using it to wake me up.  
  
It was all starting to become a nightmare. Whether I was asleep, reliving someone else's memories, or awake, living my own life, it was all a terrible dream.  
  
"Is she gonna be alright?" I heard my dad ask, obviously concerned that I hadn't responded all that much, that all I really had done was stop screaming, and stop trying to get away from them. And now all I was doing was lying on the hospital bed, unmoving until someone else picked me up.  
  
The doctor clicked on a small light and shined it into my eyes. I don't really know what happened, but it couldn't have been good because he looked a little unsure, maybe even sad.  
  
"We'll have to see," he told my dad, still looking at me.  
  
I must have looked so blank on the outside, so unfazed by the possibility that I might not ever come back completely, but on the inside, I know I was crying.  
  
Phew. I thought that chapter would never get completed. But it was worth it... I think. So tell me what you thought, everyone. ^ - ^ 


	11. Battling Inner Demons

I know this chapter is a little longer than the others, and I took a long  
time to get it up, but once again, I blame school.  
  
Just a note, all thoughts are between // - //.  
  
Chapter 10  
  
Battling Inner Demons  
  
I really wished I could move... or talk. I wanted to turn to my dad and tell him that I was fine, and stop him from worrying about me. But as I stared at the ceiling, unable to even *blink* deliberately, I realized I really wasn't fine. I stared for another second, and then actually did blink, as though the world were taunting me.  
  
"How is she?" I heard my father ask quietly of the doctor.  
  
"Well..." he began, then took a short pause before saying, "whatever happened, this telepathic ability and all these visions, they... well... they did a number of things."  
  
//Stop stalling and just tell us what's wrong with me,// I thought impatiently.  
  
"They drained her of most of her energy, which is very obvious. That is ultimately what put her in the state she's in."  
  
"What exactly does that mean?- 'the state she's in.'" Dad asked quietly.  
  
There was an unsettling silence before the doctor responded. "I am having difficulty finding the answer to why her energy level fell to as low as it did," he explained calmly and slowly, "but- in a sense- her mind is circumventing all unnecessary functions, and using all her remaining energy to keep her mind and body from failing. Meaning... she's lost- it may only be temporarily... I wish I could tell you... but at least for the moment... she's lost all control of any voluntary physical action... any one that isn't subconscious, automatic."  
  
My dad just was quiet. It was all too quiet and too real.  
  
"Can she still understand us?"  
  
I wanted to shout, "Yes, Dad, I can understand you! I'm not gone, I'm still here!" but I couldn't.  
  
"Her synaptic activity hasn't dropped to a level where I would be concerned of that, or be concerned that she definitely won't come back from this... however it's pretty clear that she's weakened. It *is* possible that she cannot at times understand."  
  
Another silence.  
  
I could see my dad approaching me, but the doctor put an arm between us. "I know it's going to be tough to not go near her, but you can't touch her. I really don't want to say this... but if she has another episode... she will die."  
  
My father faced me, tears filling his eyes as he stared into mine, and then he backed away.  
  
"I'm sorry," the doctor said to him, true sympathy in his voice.  
  
I heard my father sigh shakily, probably fighting back his tears.  
  
"I promise to do as much as I can to get her back," the doctor told my father.  
  
"Thank you," he said sorrowfully.  
  
The doctor stayed in silence for the amount of time he felt was respectful, then asked my father, "Would you like me to try to reach Dr. Phlox? If there's anyone we can contact that would know what to do... it's him."  
  
My father didn't need to think about his response; he nodded right away. "Thanks."  
  
I heard the doctor leave the room, and my father pull a chair over and sit down. He reached out his hand to take mine, then thought better of it, and took his hand away.  
  
"I would if I could, baby girl..." he told me quietly.  
  
//I know, Dad... I know,// I thought to myself.  
  
He sighed. "I don' really know if you can hear me, K'Ela, but... I'm so sorry. I feel like it's all my fault."  
  
//Why?//  
  
He took a moment to reflect on the whole situation. "Maybe my dad was right," he mumbled dejectedly. "Maybe I *wasn't* the best parent you could'a had."  
  
//No... Dad, don't say that...//  
  
"If ya had a Xyrillian father instead'a me... he'd prob'ly know just what t' do for ya right now."  
  
He put his head down, and sat deep in thought for a few minutes before letting out a small, humorless laugh. "It's funny how after all these years... well... I found out a long time ago, I guess... I finally can see why my dad wanted me t' reconsider fatherhood. But it's kinda a little too late t' tell 'im... to apologize for what I did. I know ya never got t' know 'im... an' I'm sorry for that too," he told me, his voice fading out as the tears began to build up in his eyes.  
  
//I have a lot of things I'm sorry for too, Dad. And I'm going to make *sure* I make it so I can tell you.//  
  
He held back his tears and said, "I made a lot a' stupid mistakes, an' hurt a lot a' people, I'm sure. But I hope... at least after all of this... that you still know I love you. An' I'll always be right here with you. So if ya ever feel scared... or alone... just remember I'm right here next t' you."  
  
I, surprisingly, instead of feeling helpless and dispirited at my terrible situation, felt comforted- though teary from my dad confiding in me the pain he withheld- by the promise he made me.  
  
//"Just remember I'm right here next t' you."//  
  
I will, Dad. I will.  
  
I again could feel the world slipping away, only this time, it was reality, not a dream, that was drifting away. I tried so hard for what felt like hours to keep awake, mostly out of fear that I might fall asleep and never open my eyes again. But they closed eventually, and I was at last in a sleep that was my own.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Dad fixed the dark green sleeve of my jacket- which was just a bit longer than my arm- and opened the front door to the house for us to leave. The warm rain outside came down moderately, somewhere in between a mist and a rainstorm, and trickled off the roof of the house, and off my face and my jacket.  
  
I always loved the rain.  
  
I stood in it a moment, letting it shower me with my face to the sky, and bringing a smile to my father's lips. He allowed me to do so for a while longer, but knew if he let me stay until I had my fill of the rain, I would stay until the clouds passed and the droplets stopped falling.  
  
"C'mon," he coaxed cheerfully. "If you ever wanna get to your Open House, yer gonna hafta get in the car."  
  
I lingered a moment longer, still letting the rain speckle my face, then ran, giggling, to the car.  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
When we arrived, I was eager to drag him along to any display that held either one of my friends' or my own creations. I pulled him along by his hand and pointed all of them out, wandering the entire room, and periodically, forgetting in my hyperactive enthusiasm that I had left him at another project.  
  
The classroom itself looked as though it were in complete disarray, with paper, paint, and newspaper thrown together and then exhibited around the room. There was most likely order at the start, but after so many students had come, taken their project from its place, and shown it off to their families, the desks had become their display case.  
  
"And whose is this?" he'd ask as we went around the room, looking at art project after art project.  
  
"Elisabeth's," I told him happily. She was one of my friends, and so to me, her artwork was prized above the others who were not.  
  
"Ah..." he mused, grinning. "I know Elisabeth."  
  
My smile widened. I guess I took pride- or at least amusement- in having him already know who one of my friends was.  
  
I pointed out another one, again, praising it. "It's Aaron's," I revealed without him having asked.  
  
"Who's that?" he asked.  
  
I pointed through the crowd to a boy with dark features, with eyes so dark brown they were almost black. He looked just as happy as I was to show off.  
  
He nodded to show he saw who I was pointing to, and then asked, "And which one is David's?"  
  
I'd been talking a lot about him lately, to the point where Dad had teased that I had a crush on him. I always said no, but maybe I did, even as young as I was then.  
  
Mrs. Griffin came over then, interrupting our search through the art projects. "Hi," she greeted, smiling. "Enjoying Open House so far?"  
  
We both said yes, but I had a lot of energy and a short attention span, and that was the end of my conversation with her. Hardly a minute later, I was already preoccupied with one of my friends. I only heard bits and pieces of the conversation between my dad and Mrs. Griffin as they spoke, but eventually my attention focused in on them, and I barely noticed as two others joined me.  
  
I completely ignored my friends only when I heard my father say quietly, "I'm glad she's not alone this year."  
  
"I remember you telling me about that.... I'm sorry first grade was such a hard year for her."  
  
"Well, at least this year's easier." He sighed, then allowed for a normal tone of voice, as he had probably noticed my eyes were on them. "So how's she doin' in class?"  
  
"Oh, she *loves* math," she told him cheerfully. "And she really likes science, too."  
  
"That's my girl," he said proudly.  
  
I could almost hear him say, //She's gonna make a pretty good engineer someday.// At least, I was sure that's what he was thinking.  
  
I averted my attention from them once again and returned to the conversation with my friends. It appeared, however, that my absence of input resulted in the others leaving me behind.  
  
I did not dwell on it, or try to search them out when it was clear that they wanted to only be a group of the three of them. Instead, I began a geography game on a small computer nearby, pressing the colorful keys, completely absorbed in the game. The world was one of my strongest interests, beside space. I owed that to Dad.  
  
"Can I play too?" asked a voice from behind me. It was David.  
  
"Sure."  
  
I moved over, happy to have someone else with me, especially when that someone was David. I never liked being alone, by myself. It always scared me.  
  
We played for a little while, and it surprised me for some reason that he knew as much as I did, and that our scores were almost tied. I don't know why it surprised me. Maybe because I spent so much time playing the game, I assumed it would be difficult to match my score.  
  
"K'Ela?" he asked suddenly.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"I'm having a birthday party next Saturday and I wanted to invite you. You think you can come?"  
  
My face lit up. "I'll ask my dad."  
  
I before I could turn my chair around, a woman leaned over me and David, taking his hand.  
  
"David..." she cooed, but her voice had a sharp undertone, "we have to leave now."  
  
"Can I at least finish this game?"  
  
"No, honey, we have to leave now." Her voice was becoming a little more forceful, making me a bit uncomfortable.  
  
He nodded, standing, but asked, "Mommy, can K'Ela come to my party Saturday?"  
  
She struggled for words as she looked into my hopeful eyes, but I could see by the expression on her face that she did not want to look at me at all. "No, I'm sorry, David," she said, trying to maintain the sweetness and the regret in her voice, but failing.  
  
"Why?" he asked genuinely, not whining at all.  
  
She took a moment to formulate an answer, and told him, "You already invited a lot of people, David. Now come here, we have to leave."  
  
She more or less dragged him out of the classroom, but he kept his eyes fixed on mine, as though he were asking me why his mother was doing that. His eyes were sad and pitiful, unable to grasp the reasoning behind her actions, but I knew them. I knew them too well for someone my age.  
  
I looked at Dad, who looked like he had just about given up. He was disheartened and angry that nothing had changed. But most of all he was sad for me.  
  
I looked back to David for one last glance before he was gone. I stared into his hazel eyes, and I felt like I was with him once again.  
  
Only I was.  
  
There he was, sitting on my couch with me, his Algebra 2 book and homework on his lap, and mine on my own.  
  
"I've decided polynomials hate me," he told me. "I hate them, they hate me. It works."  
  
"No," I laughed. "You're makin' it much harder than it needs t' be."  
  
"No, I think it's really that hard."  
  
I gave him a playful glare. "Look."  
  
I went through a problem, explaining each step and why I did them. "Get it now?"  
  
He stared dumbfounded at my paper. "Nope."  
  
"Try one yourself."  
  
He did, but he still got a wrong answer.  
  
"So?"  
  
I grimaced. "Well, yer gettin' closer."  
  
"It's just too damn hard, K'Ela," he insisted.  
  
"It isn't *that* hard."  
  
"Easy for you to say, you're the daughter of an engineer."  
  
"Two, actually," I teased.  
  
He made a noise of frustration and closed his book. "I need to go back to first grade math."  
  
"Two plus two?" I asked with a large grin.  
  
"Twenty-two!" he answered over-enthusiastically, causing me to burst into laughter.  
  
We were so strange. It had become a long-running joke to us to make fun of what little math skills he had, but now we were just pathetically weird.  
  
When we finally stopped laughing, first at him, then at ourselves, he stared hard at my face.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your face... turned gold," he told me, smiling.  
  
It took me only a second to realize what he meant. My bronze skin had taken on a golden-colored tone to match my emotions. "It shows how I feel," I explained. "You never noticed that before?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
I stood up and walked over to a mirror, and realized why he had never noticed until then. The gold on my skin had never been as defined as it was then- it was always more subtle.  
  
I sat back down on the couch next to David, but didn't look at him.  
  
"I hate when that happens. It's so easy to tell how I feel, I can't hide anything."  
  
I felt his fingers lightly brush my cheek. "I think it looks beautiful."  
  
I turned my head to face him, a little surprised by that compliment. He had never said anything like that to me before.  
  
His eyes were so serious it almost scared me, but his gaze so sweet it comforted me. "I think *you* look beautiful."  
  
He leaned toward me and kissed me softly.  
  
I felt so much joy, like in that one moment he had finally revealed to me how much I had always cared about him.  
  
Not only that, but something strange happened. I felt the love he felt for me. Not because he was kissing me that I knew it, but his thoughts told me.  
  
I wasn't sure of it, so I asked myself a question, to prove to myself that what I thought was happening really was. Something I wouldn't know. His cousins' names- what are they? If I knew them, then I couldn't possibly be imagining it.  
  
I pulled away from his lips gently, but he still knew something was wrong.  
  
I looked at him with a confused glare. "You have four cousins. The oldest is Jenna, she's five years older than you, then Ryan, Lissa, and Caitlin, who are all younger."  
  
He was flustered by that seemingly random outburst. "How...?" He started over, shaking his head. "First of all... what? And second- I never told you that, how did you know?"  
  
I stood up, terrified of what had just happened, and he stood up too, trying to not only figure out how I knew that, but why I was so scared all of a sudden.  
  
"You should go," I said, picking up his book and handing it to him.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"No," I said, unable to pull myself together. "No, 'm not."  
  
"Well, then I should stay."  
  
"No," I insisted forcefully, getting a little shaky, both in my speech and in my footing.  
  
He tried to keep me from losing my balance by keeping a hand on my arm, but he realized there was no way he could stay if I didn't want him there.  
  
"I'll see you tomorrow if you're feeling better," he said quietly, and left.  
  
I sat down hard on the couch, unable to take in what just happened, and sat in shock for a minute before deciding to go upstairs to my room.  
  
"That never happened," I mumbled out loud, trying to convince myself of that. "I just imagined that.... He *did* tell me his cousins' names before, and I just imagined all of it..."  
  
I then made my way upstairs, and walked into my room.  
  
It was so bare now that I had moved out. It had become more of a work space, as I had suggested to Dad before I left. But it was so quiet.  
  
I was so alone in such a big house, and I would have to wait until Dad came back home to surprise him.  
  
I roamed the room, coming to a large desk along the wall with a computer and several Padds, running my hand along the desk as I walked.  
  
The monitor beeped, and I wasn't sure whether I should answer it or not. After all, it was not for me, and that was for certain. But I decided that I should, and so I did.  
  
It was Hoshi's face that appeared on the monitor, and she was just as surprised to see me as I was to see her. I hadn't seen her face to face in a while.  
  
"K'Ela!"  
  
"Hi, Hoshi, I haven't seen you in a while."  
  
"When did you get back?"  
  
"Just today, about an half hour ago."  
  
"I bet your dad was surprised to see you." Something about how she said that worried me a little.  
  
"Actually, he isn't here."  
  
She was silent, and I wasn't quite sure why.  
  
"Did you want t' talk t' him about something in particular?- 'cause I can tell 'im when he gets back."  
  
"Actually, I did." She paused. "K'Ela, I really have to tell you something."  
  
I felt my heart stop. "What?"  
  
"Your dad's not doing well. He's been really down lately, and I'm not sure what it is that's hurting him, but it's something. I was wondering if you knew what it was."  
  
"No..." I said, shaking my head. "I wish I did. I didn't even know there was a problem."  
  
"Maybe he just feels sad since you left," she suggested.  
  
"Maybe he really feels alone," I agreed.  
  
Suddenly the screen went black, and I could hear the static crackling as I turned the aged monitor off.  
  
I turned around to face the dusty, dank attic, staring at the boxes, at Dad's old uniform, at the box of disks of old transmissions, taking all of it in.  
  
I was alone. Dad was alone. And it was going to stay that way unless something changed.  
  
Suddenly, nothing made sense. I couldn't seem to remember where I really should be, or how long I had been here, or... wherever I was.  
  
Out of nowhere, a sharp pain went through my head, then radiated through my entire body. It wasn't really pain though, it was... I didn't even know. It was hard to describe, but it wasn't pleasant, and it had just swept over my entire body. It overtook me, blinded me, and I felt like it was all ending.  
  
I finally knew where I really was: in the hospital. And I was dying. And I thought then... that it was all over. I felt released, and I wasn't sure what to think, but-  
  
My eyes fluttered open, dismissing the darkness, and taking in the light.  
  
"I think she's going to be fine."  
  
^ - ^ So... tell me what you thought. ^ - ^  
  
Sorry about the possibly confusing switching from one time to another, but,  
hey, dreams are weird that way. 


	12. Awakened

Hey, I'm actually being good about posting new chapters! ...Well, for the  
time...  
  
Chapter 11  
  
Awakened  
  
It felt strange to be back in the hospital, to be aware of the whole world and of what was going on. Pain radiated through my head, and it felt real- and I was silently happy for that- but it felt like it was congesting my thoughts, putting too much pressure on my entire skull.  
  
I flinched at a shooting pain that came with the sudden light into my eyes.  
  
"She's alright!" I heard my dad exclaim out of relief.  
  
"You'll probably feel a bit dizzy as well as a bit groggy... uncoordinated," a man told me.  
  
The voice sounded so familiar, but my sight was blurred, unfocused, and I couldn't recognize the man right away, especially since I couldn't really think straight.  
  
When my eyes finally focused, I realized just how familiar the voice was.  
  
In front of me stood Dr. Phlox, his face the same as when I had last seen him, but aged some.  
  
"Phlox," I managed hoarsely.  
  
"Don't try to speak if it's as difficult as it seems to be for you. You haven't gotten your strength back yet. Just rest for now."  
  
My eyes gave in to his instruction first, beginning to close once again. I didn't realize how much just those few seconds took out of me.  
  
I could almost feel the fear and tension disperse from the room as I began to fall asleep. For a moment, I didn't want to do so out of fear, but I couldn't help but succumb to it.  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
"How are you feeling?" Dr. Phlox asked me as I struggled to sit upright.  
  
"Okay..." I told him, weariness evident in my voice no matter how I tried to hide it.  
  
"Hm," he said, half in agreement, half challenging me, and at the same time giving me a very T'Pol-like glare.  
  
He then picked up a scanner, turning it on, and held it over my head.  
  
"You've improved, but I wouldn't say you're fine."  
  
Suddenly I realized that he and I were the only two in the room. Phlox almost read my mind. He told me, "I advised your father to get some food. He had barely eaten during your stay here, and it was begining to concern me."  
  
There was silence as I took a moment to think over the past couple days, then a question surfaced. "How long've I been here?"  
  
Phlox turned off the scanner and lowered it. "Three days. The first two you spent drifting in and out of consciousness, and then yesterday you showed small signs of improvement, however, until last night, you were unconscious the entire day. I arrived early yesterday morning to begin treating you."  
  
I attempted to ask another question, but there were so many, I just couldn't figure out which one to ask first.  
  
"I imagine you must have a lot on your mind. You might feel more comfortable speaking to me than withholding all of it."  
  
"I just don't know where to start.."  
  
"Take as long as you wish to come up with something."  
  
Almost right away I said, "I was so sure these visions never happened before, but when I was dreamin', it came back t' me that they did."  
  
"Sometimes the mind purposely shuts out bad experiences, as I'm sure it was."  
  
"But... it's just...." It was all so hard to explain. "Each time it was different."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Well...." I took a second to come up with my answer. "When I hugged my dad, I saw only what he was thinkin' about, but the first time, when David was with me, I not only saw what he was thinkin', I could... I could look through his thoughts and all his memories."  
  
He didn't bother to ask whom David was, or bother to try to get me to speak more clearly, because I was still shaken, and also because it was now his turn to formulate an answer, one that I could understand. "K'Ela... there are two types of telepathic connections. One is a very deep one, very...." He struggled for the right word. "Intimate. It is felt by both people... usually, and takes so little energy to maintain that connection, you might not even know you have created one. You and David shared that type of connection. Not for any substantial length of time, which is undoubtedly a good thing."  
  
I cringed at the thought of what might have happened if I hadn't gotten so scared.  
  
"I see you already know the purpose of that telepathic connection."  
  
I grimaced.  
  
"So I won't bother to explain any further. There is, however, a second type of connection, one that can be very dangerous, as you've experienced firsthand. It involves a telepathic connection on a much more shallow level than the first. This type of bond is only felt by the person initiating it- you, in this case. It takes a great deal of energy to maintain the connection, partially because only *one* person is contributing to retain that connection, and partially because at such a shallow level, it is difficult to continue to withhold the bond for any large amounts of time when its purpose is to create a short connection."  
  
My mind reeled. What was he even trying to say?  
  
"You were unaware that you needed to break the connection right away- and possibly were unable to do so. Because of that, you ended up here. Your mind had, in such a small period of time, made several too many of those connections, and was forced to recover from such mental exhaustion. It had no other option than to, in a sense, 'reroute' all energy from unnecesary functions, and try to rebuild your mental strength."  
  
He paused to let me take all of that in, then said, "When I first analyzed your synaptic activity, you were in critical condition. At one point, you were almost beyond my help. If I were in your position, I would make a strong effort to avoid making those lengthy shallow connections again." His warning was strong, but with genuine concern for me, almost like he was family.  
  
I nodded, a bit saddened by his diagnosis, but not scared. I had been through so much suffering, I was beyond the ability to fear what he had said.  
  
He nodded back to me in understanding, giving me a small smile as well, then walked to a nearby table to put his scanner down.  
  
"Phlox?" I asked quietly.  
  
"Hm?" he asked, turning around slightly to acknowledge that he was listening.  
  
"You said there were only two types of connections. Only shared between two people. What about objects?" I asked, somewhat embarrassed.  
  
He made a face of confusion and thought, then realized what I meant. "Ah. Doctor Maxwell told me you had to be rushed here on account of what you described as 'flashes of emotions and memories' when you touched... a door frame?" he asked me so I could verify that.  
  
I nodded, realizing how stupid that sounded when he described it to me.  
  
He shook his head. "That wasn't exactly what you thought it was, K'Ela. Your mind was trying to reach out desperately for someone to connect with. You probably made several deep connections and several shallow ones. It was just too much for your mind to take. It really didn't matter whether you were touching an object or not."  
  
"Wh... what about the key?" I was horribly embarrassed, not to mention a little confused. Everything I thought I knew about my telepathy was all just inexperienced guessing, most of it completely wrong.  
  
"You never mentioned any key."  
  
"I saw specifically my grandparents' house. Detail for detail."  
  
He didn't ask me to define the experience any further. "It was your father's key. You had, on more than one occasion, connected with his mind. You didn't need to hold it, all you needed to do was concentrate on it, try to place where you 'knew' it from, and his memory would surface in your thoughts."  
  
Boy, was I stupid.  
  
"Do you understand now?"  
  
I nodded once more. Then I asked my plaguing question. "But *why* was my mind trying that desperately to make a connection?"  
  
He took a second to decide how to phrase what he had to say, then explained. "Each Xyrillian female has a subconscious drive to connect telepathically. It is very strong, and it is very difficult to control. You have only once made a deep connection, am I correct?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"And you considered it unsettling."  
  
I nodded again.  
  
"That is because you are surrounded by humans that view telepathy as unsettling, and you have adopted their way of thinking. Surrounded by Xyrillians your entire life, you wouldn't have. So one one hand, you are consciously trying to avoid making that connection because not only is it strange to the world around you, you also know how much of a problem it has caused in your own life. And on the other hand, your instinct, and, more importantly, your body, is telling you that you must at some point make that connection." His voice gained a cheery tone as he said, "This whole process is not much unlike the Vulcan mating cycle of Ponn Farr, although, thankfully, without all of the violent alternatives and less appealing effects."  
  
I almost said, "And so you call almost dying more appealing?" but then I realized that Vulcans faced that same threat.  
  
I waited for him to continue, but he didn't, so I asked, "So what am I s'posed t' do?"  
  
"I'm not sure there's much else you could do beside find someone to create an intimate telepathic bond with."  
  
I grimaced, not only because of my situation, but because of how casually he said that. "I was kinda hopin' you would know another way."  
  
I sulked, unwilling to admit to myself that I would actually have to do this. "Could you not tell my dad about this?"  
  
"He *is* going to want to know what exactly is going on, but I promise not to tell him the *exact* means of helping you. After all, I do value doctor-patient confidentiality."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
He gave me a smile and then picked up a hypospray. "Until you do find someone, or until I find another way to resolve this, I advise you not to make any sort of physical contact with anyone."  
  
"I'll try."  
  
He touched the hypospray to the side of my neck, and I could hear the gentle hiss as some sort of medicine was injected into my system.  
  
"I'm going to continue to administer stimulants until you can regain energy on your own. Just continue to rest."  
  
I must have looked very obviously distressed, because he told me, "Don't worry. Whatever happens, I believe you will be fine."  
  
I really hoped he was right.  
  
Well, there you go. Tell me what you thought, but no flames please. ^ - ^ 


	13. What We Leave Behind

I posted, I posted!!! It only took... I don't even know how long. - _ - ;;;;;;;; Long enough for me to have to re-read the past 41 pages.... ( @.@ - Wow... the computer screen's doing this weird wavy thing.... Oh, wait,  
no- that would be my eyes not focusing anymore....)  
  
So... now you can all pretend you never read that and go read the chapter.  
^ - ^  
  
Chapter 12  
  
What We Leave Behind  
  
I had been in the hospital for so long, I had completely lost all sense of time. What I *did* know: I had been unconscious during my dad's birthday.  
  
What a terrible birthday. I felt awful for that, but there was nothing I could do about it except say I was sorry. Besides, with all that was going on, I really didn't have much else to say.  
  
I didn't want to bring up the past again, but all he ever seemed to do was look at me as if he were expecting another one of my inquiries. He never got one. I was getting extremely sick of the past- it all was painful, and I didn't want to discover any of that pain behind the very little happiness that I knew existed during that time. It was the only thing that allowed me to believe this whole life was for the best, and I wasn't ready to let go of that hope. Even though it felt wrong to live in denial of the truth and naiveté, I was tired of being hurt.  
  
I felt like my mind was never in the present; I was either looking to the past to try to correct errors or make life better, or looking to the future to try to avoid the inevitable. Either way, I felt doomed, but I couldn't accept that I really was.  
  
I sighed, trying to stop those thoughts of self-pity from going through my mind. I had to take this whole situation better than I had thus far. If I planned on making changes, I would have to start actually making them.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Hoshi asked me, pulling me out of my daze.  
  
"Everything. So much has been happening at once, 'm not really sure what t' focus on." I wasn't about to tell her any specifics.  
  
She nodded. "I know what you mean."  
  
"Everything's just been so confusing lately," I told her, looking across the room to avoid all eye contact.  
  
"That's the second time I heard that from the two of them," Hoshi said sadly.  
  
I didn't understand why she said that. "What d'you mean, Hoshi?" I asked her, turning back to see her looking a little stunned.  
  
"I didn't say anything."  
  
"I...." I stumbled over what I wanted to say, but Hoshi interrupted me, knowing what had happened.  
  
"Do you want me to tell the doctor?"  
  
I thought a moment, but I felt no different... except for that I was beginning to hear several voices. I shook my head so that no one would be told, and no more attention would be called to me. Thankfully, Hoshi seemed to know my reasons, and just pretended to be absorbed in her book while I simply stared off into space, trying to listen to all that went through my head.  
  
My mind buzzed, and what seemed like hundreds of thoughts flowed into my own. It wasn't painful like before, but there were still too many to focus on anything specific. It seemed as though everyone in the entire hospital was connected to my mind, until finally, some thoughts separated from the others.  
  
//Who *are* these people? Why am I here...?//  
  
//I just want to see my son before I go.... Just one last time....//  
  
//They're gonna *kill* me when they find out I crashed the car....//  
  
//God... I've never been one to pray... but *please*... just help her get outta this hospital....//  
  
//I don't know what t' do anymore. I wish I could help... but.... I just want this whole thing t' be over....//  
  
I recognized the last thought to be my dad's. I wasn't quite sure how, but it didn't matter. Like passing by a familiar face on the street, his thought just swept over me briefly before disappearing with the others.  
  
It was almost chaotic at first, all these thoughts that bombarded my mind, but there was something about all of them going through me.... It felt... strangely comforting. As though for the first time in my life I wasn't the strange one, I wasn't the one being avoided or stared at- I was the only one who was connected to everyone, was with everyone, and no one was afraid of me.  
  
Everything seemed peaceful, and I began to realize that it wasn't just the fact that I finally felt I was.... I wasn't sure what I was feeling, or what exactly made me feel the way I was feeling, for that matter. Some of the thoughts were pretty disturbing to hear (though some *were* happy), but nonetheless, I had found something that I knew could not be taken away from me or changed. Maybe it was that feeling of security that made it better, but there was something more behind it- something I didn't understand, but I knew I would.  
  
Unfortunately, Dr. Phlox came over and began to speak, and what he was saying made no sense to me, at least. not with all of the other voices in my thoughts. I attempted to focus, tried to understand, but it was too difficult. Eventually, little by little, the voices faded out, and Phlox was left standing and waiting for me to say something.  
  
He nodded with understanding when I told him nothing, and allowed me to be left in peace, though he still took out his scanner to make sure I was fine. And I *was* fine. It was a little odd that after all the pain it caused me, part of me wanted that feeling again. Again, I wasn't quite sure why I liked it, but I did.  
  
Thankfully, now that I was allowed to walk around the hospital, I could get away from my hospital bed, though I couldn't do so for very long, as I still had trouble standing for a long time without shaking and needing to sit down. Rather than walking with Hoshi as I had planned, I ended up walking with Dad: the one person I really wanted to be away from at the moment.  
  
We walked down the hall, slowly, so I wouldn't start shaking. I still didn't have a lot of strength, so Dad had to hold my arm as we walked.  
  
"Hm," I laughed with a smile.  
  
"What?" he asked, returning my smile, happy that after all that had been going on, I could still laugh at something.  
  
"*You're* the old man, *I* should be helpin' *you*."  
  
"Heeeeyyy..." he responded in mock-offense. "Who're you callin' 'old man'?"  
  
I just smiled back.  
  
"I'm glad you're gettin' better," he said, serious now. "Ya had me really worried."  
  
"Same here," I said, referring to all the trouble he had been having with depression.  
  
He didn't really want to focus on that. I knew it, and I could see it. "K'Ela... listen.."  
  
"Not unless you're gonna tell me what was wrong."  
  
We stopped walking.  
  
He shook his head, knowing what I meant. "It's nothin'."  
  
"So whatever it is- is still botherin' you."  
  
"Why d'you say that?"  
  
"You said, 'it's nothin',' implyin' that the problem hasn't been solved."  
  
He paused, then said, "Ya *had* t' take psychology...."  
  
I smiled, but then realized I had been ignoring the fact that I couldn't really hold myself up for much longer, and so I sat down. Dad followed suit, trying his hardest to avoid answering me, but he soon discovered that I was waiting patiently for him, and could not get out of it *that* easily.  
  
"Uh... jeez, how do I say this...?" he asked, looking up at the ceiling. He took a deep breath, then let it out in a sigh. "It's just a lot'a stuff...." He saw that I wasn't satisfied, and had to continue. "Just everythin' over the years... it all started t' come up gradually since you left.... At first it didn't really bother me, y'know, it was just little things, like bein' alone. Like realizin' that...." He looked down at the floor. "...That I hadn't really kept many friends. Realizin' I was..." - and he laughed slightly, humorlessly, as he said it- "an old man... but that was all I was anymore. An' then I went up t' clean the attic. I found everythin' I had just... thrown up there t' get away from. There it all was, y'know?" He looked up at me, and I could see tears in his eyes that he was fighting back. "Everythin' I left behind. But, then I saw what I left it behind *for*. I saw all yer toys, an' I just realized... you weren't there anymore. I had no reason t' give up anythin' anymore, but here I am anyway, not knowin' what t' do with myself."  
  
I opened my mouth to say something, but what could I possibly have said? It was true, he had given up his life for me, and now here he was, with nothing left to do. I had taken it all away, and just as I had finally begun to give something back, I left. And what did I leave him? More painful memories, more dusty boxes in the attic.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Dad," I told him, beginning to cry, throwing my arms around him.  
  
That seemed to have been his release, at least for the time, to feel needed, to feel loved, to have purpose. Finally, he allowed his tears to fall, to show his pain, to share it all with me, knowing that I could take it now that I had grown up.  
  
When we finally stopped crying, and it seemed as though we had resolved things, we stood up and began to walk back to the room.  
  
Just making conversation in an attempt to turn our thoughts away from our previous discussion, he asked, "Does Phlox know how to stop those visions yet?"  
  
That's when I realized I had to tell him. *He* had told *me* everything he kept from me all those years, and so now it was *my* turn. It was just... he was so happy. I didn't want to take that away from him again, tell him how I would have to do the same thing to another person that Ah'Len had done to him. But I told him. I had to tell him.  
  
He didn't really say much at first, or show how he felt. I assumed the worst, until he asked, "Well.... How d' *you* feel about it?"  
  
I was surprised, to say the least. "I.... Uh.... What?" was about all I could manage to stutter out.  
  
"Just what I asked."  
  
"Umm.... It's just... I have no choice, what does it matter?"  
  
"It really makes a difference t' *me*."  
  
I thought a minute, not quite sure how I felt about this for the first time. At first, I wanted nothing to do with it all. It was painful, and because of it, I almost died. It was what had ruined my dad's life, having to do this, not knowing what was truly going on... and I didn't want to be a part of it. But... part of me wanted to try again, to be able to know someone without any secrets.... And it really *was* enjoyable....  
  
I was really confused. So that's what I told him. That was the only thing I was sure of: confusion.  
  
"Alright..." he said, unsure of where to go next from there. It really wasn't the response he was looking for. "But what else? D'you *want* t' do this... or not?"  
  
I didn't know what to say. "I.... I want to, but I *don't* want to." I was silent a minute, but then I continued. "Dad, it's just.... I don't want t' hurt anyone, an' I don't want t' be hurt doin' this... but... I'm startin' t' want to." Something about admitting that made me feel guilty.  
  
He was quiet a moment, and I was worried, but then he said, "I don't want what happened with me an' Ah'Len t' make you not want t' do this. It was completely different. She didn't *have* t' do what she did, but she did it. *You* actually need t' be helped. An' besides... I'm sure *you'll* tell whoever yer gonna..." - he blushed puse red- "... uh... do this with... beforehand."  
  
He scratched the back of his head, embarrassed. "I never was good at discussing these kinds of things...."  
  
We shared a quiet laugh.  
  
It was then that I felt like I really needed to say something, so I did. "I'm glad we can really talk now," I told him in all seriousness. "I know it was kind of hard at first, but...."  
  
"Yeah," he said, nodding. "I guess... y'know, after a while, ya just kinda get used t' keepin' it all t' yerself. I promise... I won't do that anymore."  
  
I smiled at him. At least *one* problem was solved.  
  
When we came back into the room, I realized that another problem was presenting itself. There, waiting in a chair, looking concerned and anxious, was a young man with sandy blonde hair and hazel eyes.  
  
As soon as he saw me, he practically jumped out of the chair and ran over my Dad to get to me. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, telling me quietly and shakily, "You really scared me, you know that?"  
  
I managed to laugh a little, but it was really a nervous laugh that escaped me. I had a feeling Elisabeth had called him, but I really wished she hadn't. Now he would have to be included in this whole ordeal; he *was* my boyfriend after all.  
  
Dr. Phlox cleared his throat at his end of the room to get his attention. When he finally looked over, Phlox told him, "I don't believe she has the strength to continue to stand like that for much longer. I suggest you let her sit down."  
  
"Oh.... Sorry...."  
  
He walked me to my bed, but he didn't let me go. He sat in a chair across from me, and held my hands in his.  
  
I let him linger in the moment for a while, though inside, I was extremely uncomfortable and panicked. "You really didn't need t' come, David...."  
  
***************  
  
^ - ^ You gotta love a sweet boyfriend! (Especially when it's her long-  
time friend.) Much more sweetness coming up? I think so! But more  
problems as well? Yeah, that too....  
  
Alright, you have to tell me what you thought now! You got this far, you  
have to!  
  
^,^ ( ---- Umm... I don't know WHAT that is.... Ignore it....) 


	14. No Other Choice

It took me a while, but I have another chapter. Phew.... Finally another nudge toward the end of the story. Enjoy.  
  
Chapter 13  
  
No Other Choice  
  
I could tell David was really worried for me. He wouldn't leave my side from the minute I walked back into that room. I knew he meant well, but... I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. It was hard to want to speak to him, especially since there wasn't much I really wanted to say, and nothing short of blurting out the whole situation was going to make me feel any better. I was sad to admit to myself that I didn't want to be around him, or around anyone else.  
  
I really didn't talk to him much the day he came; it seemed like he just needed to make sure I was doing better, then do his best not to fuss over helping me as much as he really wanted to because he knew that I hated that. Thankfully, he didn't ask any questions about why I was so weak, or why I was hospitalized in the first place, which was a relief. But in turn, I barely spoke with him, and I could tell he was becoming suspicious of what was going on.  
  
And, later- as if it all wasn't enough to make me go insane- proving me correct, Elisabeth was happy to admit that she actually *did* call David. I know she had no idea why I looked so down about that. I didn't want to tell her, either. It was none of her business- none of anyone's business- but my own. And it would have to be David's as well now, which upset me more than anything else. She couldn't understand what the problem was, but she must have just assumed that I didn't want him worried over me like he was.  
  
"Is there something wrong?" he asked me. "You look a little sad."  
  
"It's just that... I've been in this room for so long..." I lied. I was getting extremely sick of lying.  
  
"Do you wanna take a walk? Might make you feel a little better."  
  
I managed a smile. "Sure."  
  
On the way out, Phlox shot me a look that inquired if I was going to tell David my problem. Instead of nodding or shaking my head, I just looked down at the floor, then at David. *I* wasn't even certain, so I wasn't going to corner myself into anything for sure.  
  
We walked at a slow pace for a little while without saying a word to one another. It seemed a little unnecessary at the moment, and more than a little revealing, especially while we were still around so many patients.  
  
I looked around the halls, so white and spotless. The entire place smelled of sterilization, and it seemed to me that it was far worse than the dinge of the attic, or the choking thickness of the damp air of the basement. I thought I would have gotten used to it by now, but it was more difficult than I thought. It was too clean, unnaturally clean, and every room stank of it- that and anesthesia. It was sickening.  
  
"Do you think you'll get out of here soon?" he asked me, as if he knew exactly what I had been silently hoping. And considering what had been going on, that was borderline terrifying.  
  
My mind flashed back to his young, teenage face staring back at me in my living room, our once linked minds broken from each other as I pulled away from him, my heart racing as I tried to understand, my blood racing through me as I tried to stay calm, his eyes staring into me as I tried to explain, my hands shaking as I handed him his books and pushed him away from me….  
  
But I pulled myself back from that thought, that fear that it all might be happening again as it had years ago. It couldn't, so why be afraid? Just answer his question and forget it. "Uh... 'm not sure. It really depends."  
  
He nodded. "Well... make sure you do what'cha can to get better."  
  
I smiled, letting a small, nervous laugh escape my lips. He had no idea what my getting better entailed.  
  
We walked a little while in silence before I mustered up the courage to begin my long explanation. "Dave, that's kinda what I need t' talk t' you about. Gettin' better, I mean," I clarified.  
  
He looked a little scared, as though the worst scenarios suddenly came to mind, that maybe I wasn't just sick, I might be dying. "Alright," he forced out.  
  
I sighed, then began where I figured I should. I explained how my mind had been trying to connect with another mind- *any* mind- for a long while, and, as well as I could, tried to tell him the correct reasons as Phlox had explained it all to me. I knew I wasn't going to do a very good job at it before I even started to explain, considering it was difficult to understand, but at least *David* seemed to grasp it.  
  
"So, uh..." he began, scratching the back of his head absentmindedly. "This is something you really have to do, huh?"  
  
"Yeah." I didn't say anything else, though things I thought about saying still ran through my mind.  
  
"Well, it doesn't sound *too* bad..." he said, trying to make me feel better about the whole situation. It was only when he said that to me did I realize that I didn't tell him exactly why I was having trouble wanting to go through with this.  
  
"What's it like? Do you know?"  
  
I nodded. "I dunno if you remember... but a long time ago, we both did this same thing. We were over studying at my house, and you kissed me...."  
  
A smile began to form over his lips. "I remember that."  
  
"But I didn't know what this was at the time, and I got pretty scared," I told him, referring to being telepathic.  
  
"I remember that too," he said, the smile gone now.  
  
I looked at him for a minute before I asked, "Did... *you* feel anything?"  
  
He looked like he wasn't sure for a minute, but then he said, "Yeah. I don't really remember it.... It was nice, though. I remember that."  
  
There was an awkward silence as I fumbled for what to say.  
  
"Maybe we should go back so Phlox can explain everything." He didn't notice my slight emphasis of "everything," which was probably a good thing.  
  
When we arrived, and as I expected, Phlox gave me another look, something to the effect of- "Well?"  
  
I nodded this time, knowing he really needed to take part in this discussion, as much as I dreaded it. I sat down, next to me on the bed David, while Phlox told the others to leave so he could speak to me in private. Everyone complied, though they silently wondered what we were going to talk about, and I'm sure also debated asking me later what it was all concerning. Dad, the only one realizing and understanding what it was all in regard to, gave me a reassuring smile as he exited, then closed the door behind him.  
  
Phlox cleared his throat, calling our attention back to him and away from those leaving. "David, I assume you're probably wondering what exactly this is about." He turned his gaze on me. "You already explained why you've been brought here, is that correct?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"But I gather that's where you stopped."  
  
I nodded again.  
  
"I believe I owe a more in-depth explanation before any decision is reached."  
  
"Whaddya mean, 'before any decision is reached'?"  
  
I looked at David, as did Phlox, who seemed more than slightly confused at our lack of clarification.  
  
"As you know, K'Ela is in need of an individual whom she can join minds with," he explained right away- or at least much quicker than I would have expected. He must have prepared what he was going to say, I figured. "She has reached a point in her life span in which she hasn't had enough of this specific interaction-"  
  
At this point, I couldn't help but blush. Phlox always had a very blunt way he went about saying things, which was fine, until he had to explain a situation like mine. It just made me embarrassed, more so since I had always compared it to the human equivalent.  
  
"- and because of that, she is beginning to go through a period of, more or less, desperately reaching out. Her mind is attempting to make a telepathic connection on a deeper level- which I was told you two shared once before- and only when she successfully holds that connection for a length of time will she be able to recover. Do you understand that much?"  
  
David nodded, straight-faced, obviously knowing there was more- and that none of it was going to be good. His face screwed up in deep thought as a question arose suddenly. "Can she do this with anyone?"  
  
Phlox opened his mouth to speak, hesitated as he thought it over, then nodded in a somewhat awkward way. "I believe so. Yes."  
  
"Then... what's so secretive? Why just me?"  
  
David looked from me to Phlox, waiting for an answer.  
  
"It's more a matter of whom she *wants* to do this with. Or... who would want to do this with her."  
  
David again looked back at me, unsure of what to think or what to say. "K'Ela, what's going on?"  
  
Phlox realized that he would be of no more help to this discussion, at least for the time being, and so turned away to the other end of the room, deciding he should leave our sight at least- he would not leave the room.  
  
"Dave... um..." I began, turning to sit so I was facing him, one leg still dangling off the bed. "...D' you know about why my dad came back here?"  
  
He nodded. "You," he said frankly, though it didn't really seem so at the moment.  
  
"Yeah, but do you know *about* it?"  
  
"Kinda.... I mean, my parents never told me all that much- it was like it was the only taboo thing to talk about in my house. But I couldn't help but hear some of the remarks as I got older, and knew just bits and pieces from reading old newspapers and stuff."  
  
I still watched him, waiting for him to explain it to himself.  
  
"K'Ela, c'mon, why do you want me t-?"  
  
"Just do it, I've done it my whole life, you can tell me it *once*."  
  
He chewed at his bottom lip, somewhat unwilling to continue. "He got pregnant on an away mission, okay?"  
  
"Does it bother you t' hafta say it?"  
  
"Course it does!" he admitted rather loudly, then realized how boisterous he was being, and gave a slightly quieter explanation. "It'd be hard for you too, if you'd lived in my house! Where Vulcans and Axanar and Andorians and Xyrillians all were untrustworthy intruders on *our* planet, and where talking about a Starfleet failure...."  
  
He must have seen the hurt in my eyes, because he stopped right there.  
  
"I'm sorry. It's just that... at that point...."  
  
"No. I know." I guess it was disappointing to me to realize it was really true, and that I had always known that.  
  
His eyes were distant, staring away from me, as he quietly said, "I was brought up to believe he was an embarrassment to Starfleet, to Earth, and that what he did was stupid." He laughed humorlessly. "My mom only talked to me about what happened when she found out you were in my class in second grade. Second grade.... Can you believe it? She disregarded the whole incident until it turned out she just couldn't ignore it anymore. She literally pretended like there never was any Commander Charles Tucker on Enterprise. It was really sad, but I accepted it. And not only that, she was teaching me to be prejudiced. And it wasn't until much later did I come to grips that the whole thing was sick."  
  
He shook his head, as if trying to shake the whole experience from his head. "At first she tried to be understanding around me about it or something- told me not to ever stare when we saw you two... but it seemed that was all she ever did. After a while, she pretended to ignore it all, told me to stop every time I brought up a question or a story about you. I hated it. Every week I went to school and felt like you were the best friend I ever had, then I came home and you didn't exist anymore."  
  
His jaw clenched shut as he tried to pull himself together. I could see the muscles in his cheeks twitching as he tried to stop from getting angry. He looked up at me, and I could see his eyes were misty. A very small laugh escaped him as he said, "You weren't the only one who had a crappy childhood, I guess."  
  
I put my arms around him. He seemed to radiate the emotional hurt that still followed him, even now as an adult. I was so sure his parents refused to speak to him, now that it seemed he would be related to me and to my father someday soon, and so would they. It was ironic in a very sad way.  
  
It took me a little while to realize that we had gotten very off-track from the point I was trying to get to. After he calmed and apologized for what happened, and after I told him it was fine, I decided I had to get back to what we had been talking about. It felt like I was running out of time and I wasn't sure why.  
  
"It really bothers you so much... what happened t' him?"  
  
His eyes looked up to meet mine. "I don't understand why you keep asking me that." I could tell he really did, he just didn't want to believe it.  
  
"Then I can't ask you t' do this," I said quietly, ignoring what he said.  
  
He said nothing, but I could tell his mind was racing.  
  
Phlox came back from his previous place at the other end of the room, but saw that we had reached an awkward moment in our conversation, and thought against returning.  
  
"No, I think maybe you need t' stay here, Doc," I told him, and so he turned to face us and nodded slightly.  
  
"Alright."  
  
David was still staring off into space, unsure of how to face his decision.  
  
"Are you feeling well?" Phlox asked David, which broke his daze.  
  
David just made a sound I assumed was a "yes," but he obviously wasn't.  
  
"Well...." Phlox could obviously see how tense we both were. "I'm not sure if this is the right time to come to a resolution."  
  
I looked at him, then I shook my head slowly. "I don't think so, Doc."  
  
He tried not to let his own feelings show through to affect our settlement on anything, but I could tell he was surprised a bit at how quickly David made up his mind. Then again, I'm sure he knew his answer would be "no." He nodded, saying nothing.  
  
"Did you find any alternative?"  
  
He opened his mouth to begin an explanation, but then realized I wouldn't have any idea what he was talking about even if he *did* illustrate his point, so he just shook his head.  
  
"You don't have to find one."  
  
Both of us turned to David, who surprised us all by saying that after his long silence.  
  
"What?" I asked, a little breathlessly.  
  
"I'll do it."  
  
His voice was a little hoarse, and he looked a little shaky, but he seemed determined. He took my hands in his, breathing out a long breath. "I'll do it."  
  
***************  
  
Okies, so everyone do your duty as a reader and review. ^ - ^ 


	15. Hope

Hey! Another chapter! I adjusted the genre by the way, with prompting  
from Kee (thanks! ^ - ^), to general/angst, because, truthfully, it's pretty angsty. Let's see. what else.. Nothing. Wow, that's sad. Well-  
enjoy then!  
  
Chapter 14  
  
Hope  
  
We were surprised by what David said, to say the least, and so we hung in that moment for a long while, Phlox staring at David, dumbfounded, and me trying to understand David's decision. It didn't really make sense after what we had talked about, after what I had witnessed. His parents *already* disowned him for befriending me, then dating me, then moving in with me- which was the last straw. Over the years of disobeying to their face every one of their wishes to stop seeing me, he fed their hatred, until it became a blind fury accompanied by stone silence- which he endured at every family gathering.  
  
Why did he want to take this risk? It was more inevitable than risky, and quite possibly the worst experience for him to have to go through. More so since his parents would probably not acknowledge the baby as their grandchild. And, knowing David, he *would* tell them, no matter their hate for each other, but then, even expecting it, their reaction would bring him an awful sadness. I didn't want that for him.  
  
I quickly remembered that I was in the hospital, and that there was no baby yet, just David, looking in need of reassurance. But that wasn't what I had in mind to give him. I didn't want him to go through this.  
  
"Dave, I thought you said-"  
  
"Doesn't matter." He looked like he wanted to forget what he had told me just a minute earlier. "What matters is... you're gonna get better. Right, Doc?" He turned to Phlox, a look of desperation beginning to show on his face.  
  
Phlox turned away to his medical equipment, hurt by the look on David's face he also recalled from the past. "Yes," he said quietly. "That much I'm sure of."  
  
David nodded slowly.  
  
"David..." I started.  
  
He shook his head. "I already made up my mind."  
  
Phlox turned around to face him again, still speaking quietly. "You know the most probable outcome?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
It was happening all over again, I thought. But I couldn't hurt him. I couldn't hurt another person like I had my father. It was hard enough feeling the guilt from indirectly being the cause of his pain, but now to have to be the actual source of David's? I decided I would rather die.  
  
There was a cold silence in the room as everyone's plaguing thoughts seemed to suffocate the entire place.  
  
"So... how's this gonna work?" David asked Phlox, breaking the stillness.  
  
Phlox took to arranging his medical tools, trying very hard not to focus on the problem presenting itself- or, rather, just becoming even more problematic. "Well...." Suddenly, he stopped, his face lighting up. "I never thought of that," he mumbled aloud, but to himself. "How can it be possible?" He looked very happy, but he apparently wasn't going to let us on to his revelation unless we asked. How he carried on to himself, it was almost as if we weren't in the room at all.  
  
David and I exchanged glances of curiosity before I decided to ask, "What is it?"  
  
"Oh. Sorry." He came back to us, trying to conceal his joy. "I didn't want to- well- get your hopes up" -his voice took on an even stranger accent as he attempted to use the very human phrase- "but I believe I may have found that there won't be any need for worry. I'll need to have a full day of extensive research to be sure, but it seems likely that you two will be just fine."  
  
At that point, he rushed to an adjoining room to begin his search through the database, though whatever it was he was looking for, he didn't tell us.  
  
I looked at David once again. "You don't hafta go though this, you know."  
  
"Don't try to make me change my mind. You know I *do* have to do this." He squeezed my hands tighter in his. His smile wavered, and he spoke, his voice quiet and shaky, "I just can't help but be scared, though, you know?"  
  
"Phlox is gonna find somethin'- I know he will. Don't worry."  
  
I wish I believed that. It was so hard to. I didn't want to hope, because it would be so hard to come back from that, but I couldn't help it.  
  
That entire day was brutal. We waited, and waited, the entire time so detached from the rest of the world, so trapped in our own worries. Every once in a while, Phlox would leave his studies to come and check on me, or to go get something to eat- he not wanting to look conspicuous to the others- but everyone could tell there was something going on by just watching me or David. It was almost constantly tense in the room, a tension that was only marred by the scattered conversations we took part in.  
  
It was late that afternoon that I decided I would take a walk by myself. I wanted to be alone so badly, to use the last few hours of not knowing my fate to reflect upon life so far. I wanted to try to connect my own problem with my father's, to ask myself whether or not I should go through with this, to think about my past with David, but it seemed that I couldn't focus enough to do that. I instead walked absentmindedly as I recalled a turning point in my life.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
There were posters up everywhere in the halls of the middle school, all of them bright blue, orange, yellow, or pink papers. It was the final dance of the year, and it would be the most celebrated. My class was going to leave the middle school for the high school. And since not all the students were going to the same high school, it would be the last time we were all going to see one another together as the same class that had been together most all our lives.  
  
I adjusted my purse strap on my shoulder, continuing to stare at the poster in front of me. I had made up my mind a long while ago to just go with Elisabeth, not to go with any boys, but it saddened me to know that she was the only one of the two of us that had been asked by another boy. Now it was just me that was going alone. She *did* ask my permission to go with him- after all, we had made up our minds about going together previous to the month of the dance- and I said, "Of course!" But now... as the days crept up on the night of the dance... I began to feel like that was how things were always going to be for me: lonely.  
  
"Hey, K'Ela!" came a voice from behind me, as if on cue to bring me more torment.  
  
I turned to see who it was, and there was Rob and Sam, possibly the two most annoying people I had ever met, standing there with large grins on their faces. It was obvious they wanted to torment me. "What d' you want?" I growled.  
  
"I want you to go to the dance with me!" Rob begged in a very false tone. "Pleeeeaaaaase?" he asked in a drawn out way.  
  
"Go away," I grumbled.  
  
Rob pretended to be hurt. "That was a pretty mean thing to do. Especially when I'm beggin' like this." An airy laugh came from him. "I mean, seriously, who *else* is gonna ask you?"  
  
I could feel the embarrassment and anger flushing my face slightly red. I tried to ignore them, walking quickly toward the double doors that led outside, thankful that it was past school hours and that I could leave, but they followed me. I really wished they didn't have to walk home the same way I did, at the same time. Usually it didn't bother me that they lived close to my own house, but that was until days like today, when the harassment didn't stop.  
  
"Awwww.... C'mon, K'Ela!" Sam started in. "Two guys after you and you say no?"  
  
I continued to walk, refusing to listen to them, and balling my hands into fists to control my anger. I tried to focus on the scraping of my shoes on the sidewalk, but to no avail. I could still sense them behind me, could still feel their laughter at my pain more than hear it.  
  
"What? You already have a man?" He sniggered. "I hope you know, K'Ela, your daddy doesn't count. He ain't even a man."  
  
Next thing I knew, Sam was down on the cement with a bloody nose, and Rob was trying to pick him up, staring up at me in surprise at my actions.  
  
"Fuck you!" I shouted, then I turned and ran as fast as I could to get home. I could feel the tears slipping down my face as I fought for the breath that my crying stole from me, and felt that my face was hot with anger.  
  
I was happy to reach the house, and happier that Dad was there to console me. I tried to hold the tears back as I walked inside, where he saw me from the living room.  
  
He smiled at me, not seeing my sad face. "Hey there! You're back late, was the test hard?"  
  
I couldn't hold it in any longer. I burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably as I ran to the living room and into his arms.  
  
He put his arms around me, silent for a moment as he listened to me cry. He rubbed my back with his hand as he held me, trying to calm me down, saying, "Don't worry, it's okay... it's alright..." but still unsure of what had taken place to make me so upset. He waited until my sobbing stopped racking my body before asking in a hushed voice, "What happened?"  
  
I told him about everything from the dance to punching Sam in the face, and the whole time he stayed silent, listening to me tell it all.  
  
When I finished, I waited for him to tell me I was grounded for letting my anger get the best of me, but he didn't. He held his jaw in a strange way as he bit the side of his lip, questioning what he was going to about this. Finally, he settled upon something, and spoke.  
  
"Alright...." He cleared his throat in a short cough, then started. "I know you're waitin' fer me t' discipline ya somehow, do more chores or somethin'... but t' tell ya the truth... I'm real proud a' you."  
  
My jaw dropped.  
  
"I know... I know.... But it's just... ya never stood up fer yourself until now. An' I admit, ya could'a done a better job at it, but...." He smiled. "You finally showed 'em you're not gonna take any more crap."  
  
I smiled back at him, my eyes still red from crying.  
  
"They got what was comin' to 'em. And you can be sure they're not gonna tell anythin' more than 'I fell off my skateboard.' They're not about t' tell people 'I got beaten up by a girl.'"  
  
I laughed, and threw my arms around him.  
  
"Nope... wait a minute..." he said, prying me off him. "Now for the dad stuff you're not gonna be too happy with."  
  
I sat back on the couch and waited for him to continue.  
  
He thought about the punishment for a few seconds. "No TV for the rest of the week."  
  
I smiled. I knew he knew that it was Thursday, and that I didn't really like to watch television as much as I loved to draw, and also that we tended to go out on Saturdays to movies anyway. "Thanks, Dad."  
  
He smiled. "Why're you thankin' me?" he asked, trying to sound as though his punishment was actually harsh, and that he had no idea why I was happy. "When you survive this week, *then* you can thank me."  
  
I hugged him. "Love you, Dad."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
I left the room and went to go upstairs, but stepped back, taking one last look at him. He had sunk back into the couch, looking distraught- like he was wondering if he had made the right decision to congratulate me standing up for myself instead of reprimanding me for punching Sam. He heaved a heavy sigh, then pushed himself off the couch.  
  
He turned to look, feeling my eyes on him, but I wasn't there anymore.  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
The dance was really beautiful. There were streamers everywhere, pictures, posters, as well as a collage of our class throughout the year up on the south wall of the gymnasium with pictures strewn in of the class from previous years. All the girls there were in dresses, and all the boys were in suits, even the ones who would never wear a suit again until the day they got married.  
  
I had a lot of fun, talking and dancing with my friends through the night, even though much of the time it was too loud to even hear yourself think. I was surprised to find Jeff had come in a suit, and when he walked in, I laughed so hard, soda came out my nose. The one person who never wore anything but black had somehow been forced into a gray pinstriped suit.  
  
He assured us that "you might as well take pictures- because there's no way in hell they're ever getting me into this again."  
  
I took several, much to his dismay.  
  
Elisabeth and her date were together for most of the dance, but she was with me for the majority as well, which I was happy about.  
  
Everyone there looked nice, but David was the only one who still looked like himself in his black suit (which prompted Jeff to complain, "Why couldn't my parents have at least got me *that*?!"). His hair was messed and spiked with gel as usual, and his eyes sparkled under the light of the disco ball they had put up for the event.  
  
"You girls look nice," he complimented me and Elisabeth, making us smile. Then he turned to Jeff, who was looking pretty uneasy in his apparel. "*You* just look ridiculous."  
  
"Ha ha," he grumbled sarcastically.  
  
We had a lot of fun together, that is, until the last dance started. It was a slow dance, and I had no date. Elisabeth and her date went to the floor, and so did Jeff and a girl he knew, and David was asked by a girl to go dance as well. I was left on the risers to sit by myself.  
  
I watched them all dance, but I watched David more than the others. I watched as he left the bleachers and went down to the gym floor. I saw his eyes meet mine as he stood with the girl, and so I flashed him a smile, but it was forced. I saw him turn back to the girl on the dance floor and lean forward to say something to her. After he finished talking, he gave her an apologetic look and waited for her response. She smiled sweetly and nodded, then stepped away from him, going off to find another dance partner, whom she found almost right away.  
  
He had his eyes on me the entire time as he came back up the bleachers. "Do you want to dance with me, K'Ela?" he asked as with as much charm as he could while speaking over the music, holding out his hand for me to take.  
  
My smile widened, genuine now. I took his hand and walked down the bleachers to the dance floor. When we reached it, he put his arms around my waist, and I put my arms around him, letting him take me and guide me throughout the song.  
  
"I know I'm probably not the best dancer in the school, but I'm good enough, right?" he asked me with a grin.  
  
"Of course you are," I said, only partly joking.  
  
As we listened to the music play, watching the people dance around us, I rested my head on his shoulder. I didn't ever want that song to end. It was just.... He was my friend and nothing more. Did I *want* him to be more than that? Did *he* want to be more than that? I could feel myself becoming tense, but his arms around me and the soothing music lulled me into relaxing. My mind quieted, and I decided that at least while the dance still continued, none of that mattered.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I was dispirited to realize that it was all a memory, and that I had to return to my hospital room. It was disappointing to me that while I continued to remember all these things from my past- more sadly the nice memories, like the dance- I was, in reality, stuck in a hospital, too weak to leave, too unstable for the time being to live out an actual life.  
  
But what was scarier still: I was soon about to hear the news Dr. Phlox had spent all day researching, and there was a very good chance that what he hoped for would not be possible. I felt so nervous to go back inside, to step back into my reality, but my feet carried me back there nonetheless. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest, trembling from the fear of hearing "I'm sorry" once again at the one time in my life when I really needed someone to help me.  
  
I reached the room, shaking, but whether it was from anxiety or from walking for so long, I didn't know. There, waiting for me, was the answer to my biggest question, and it was hard for me to accept that.  
  
I realized I had to face it sometime, so I just held my breath and opened the door.  
  
***************  
  
Was that mean how I left it off? .*evil grin* A little. Well- your turn now! Review! The more reviews I get, the more I work on the next chapter!  
(It's just a fact. ^ - ^) 


	16. Recovery

Finally a new chapter! I know I took a while, but. now you know what  
happens next!  
  
Chapter 15  
  
Recovery  
  
When I walked in, the only people in the room were David and Dr. Phlox, so I automatically knew Phlox was ready to tell us what he found, and at knowing that, I felt my heart start to race. His face showed no sign of relief or pain, so little at all, in fact, that there was no possible way to determine whether the news was in our favor or not. As I stepped inside and closed the door, I felt scared, more than I had been seconds ago, more than I had been in my life. David looked just as scared, if not even more, than I was, sitting there on the hospital bed, trembling. He looked so helpless there.  
  
"So.... What did you find?" I asked, sitting beside David, who grabbed my hand for comfort almost right away.  
  
"Some good... some bad." Phlox looked distressed. He looked suddenly very tired, his eyes weary, his body slumped over a little.  
  
"Are ya gonna let us pick which one we wanna hear first?" David joked weakly.  
  
A wan smile played over Phlox's features, but the situation itself denied him an actual grin at David's dry humor. "Alright."  
  
"How 'bout the good news. I need all I can get."  
  
Phlox's voice was hoarse as he spoke, but at least his lips had turned up in a slight smile. "It seems that... it's impossible in this situation for David to become pregnant."  
  
David let out the breath he had been holding, gratitude clear on his face and obvious to us all.  
  
"In order for Xyrillians to procreate, the use of a specific transferral medium is essential. It is also something we don't have. This... medium... acts as a way to bond two individuals through chemical means, linking the two not only mentally, but also physically, and thus allowing the transfer of genetic material necessary to result in the formation of an embryo."  
  
I was too happy about the fact that David was not going to go through the same thing my father had to figure out half of what Phlox had said.  
  
"However, there is also the bad news."  
  
//How could there possibly be bad news?// I thought. //Problem solved, right?//  
  
"The database also fails to describe any other means of forming a mental bond similar to the one formed with the use of the medium." He paused. "It appears that no such prospect exists, that there is no way to form a deep telepathic bond without it."  
  
I shook my head. "No.... What about-"  
  
"You've already explained to me that the link had occurred previously between the two of you. But for what length of time, K'Ela?" For the first time, he looked as though it was all hopeless. "For thirty seconds? Less than that?" He shook his head. "I'm afraid it has to be much longer than thirty seconds."  
  
I nodded, resisting the urge to cry, but failing. I could feel the rage building up inside me, ready to explode. I couldn't believe it. It was all over. And that meant that I was going to gradually become weaker and weaker until I wasn't strong enough to stay alive. "So that's it, then, huh?" I said bitterly. "Turns out David's fine, but that's only because we can't do a damn thing about *me*!"  
  
No one knew what to say. David tried to put his arm around me but I shoved it away, standing up to distance myself from him. Phlox guiltily turned his gaze to the floor.  
  
Tears began to form streams down my face. "So what happens t' *me* now?" I accused, the tears choking my words.  
  
Everyone in the room knew that our failure meant certain death for me, and so the room became silent once more.  
  
Phlox said quietly, "I don't intend to give up."  
  
"Could'a fooled me," I told him coolly. I knew I was feeling sorry for myself the entire time, but I just couldn't care any less.  
  
Phlox tried to ignore that comment, then insisted, "I will speak to a colleague about this, and we will try to come up with something. I promise."  
  
"Don't promise me," I slowly said, each word venomous, tears slipping down my cheeks without me really feeling them fall from my eyes. "I'm sick of hoping. An' I'm sick of you tryin' so hard t' make me think I'm gonna be fine."  
  
I turned away and ran out of the room, despite both David and Phlox calling me back, and jogged quickly down the hall, hearing David behind me the entire time. He caught up with me quickly, grasped my shoulders, then pulled me into his arms. I weeped loudly, trying to resist his hold on me, but I had no more strength left and I was crying too hard to pull away. All I could do was collapse, sink to my knees, but David still held me tight, dropping to the floor with me, and ignoring the stares we received from the other people in the hall.  
  
"I love you too much to let you just give up like this," he told me, wrapping his arms tighter around me. "Don't you dare give up now."  
  
I tried to struggle free again, but he didn't want to let me go. And truthfully, I think a big part of me didn't really want him to let me go either. But my mind was made up that I wasn't going to have him watch me die. I had decided it was over, and despite Phlox's efforts to delude himself- and me- I was sure he knew it was hopeless too. So why have the people I love fool themselves into thinking I would be fine? Why pretend anymore that I would pull through?  
  
"Leave me alone, David..." I sobbed, my voice cracking. "It's over.... Just let me go...."  
  
"If you don't care enough about yourself to keep goin' for you, then do it for me. Because I'm *not* gonna lose you."  
  
I cried even harder. I wanted him to let me go, to hate me, to go away, so maybe when I *did* die he wouldn't hurt so much. So that when I knew it was over, *I* wouldn't hurt so much. But he made me fight.  
  
I didn't want to fight anymore. I wanted to let go. I wanted so badly for it all to be over. But David wouldn't have it. He told me to fight, he told me he loved me, and so I was going to keep going. I kept living, no matter how much it hurt some days, no matter how weak I would get, no matter how much I wanted to just rest and let whatever was going to happen, happen. But I never did. I fought every day, because David wouldn't give up on me.  
  
I fought for life all through the next week, the week after that, and a long while after that when the days all blended together until I couldn't remember them separately anymore. I was still in the hospital, awaiting something that would free me from this prison- what it had become to me. I had gotten extremely thin and weak, barely able to eat before I wanted to collapse. Phlox tried to explain to me that my weakness had something to do with utilizing my own energy to compensate for the energy I should have acquired through a telepathic link. However, because there really is no way for my body to ever accumulate that much of that kind of energy in that way, the entire process was in vain; it nothing more than a last desperate struggle for life. I wasn't really listening at the time, and didn't really care, so it all just went in one ear and out the other, never really giving me the opportunity to understand how this whole process worked. But to me, it seemed senseless anyway to learn about what was killing me; I knew enough, and besides, it was my job to get better, not to be my own doctor.  
  
Phlox tried to buy me more time by increasing the strength of the stimulants he now gave me at very short intervals, but I was still weakening. And even though I felt that heavy weight dragging down my body and mind, day after day, David stayed beside me, never willing to leave my side, never giving me the opportunity to forget my promise to him.  
  
It seemed to me that everyone else thought my time was coming close too, because Jon, who hadn't seen my father in nearly thirty years, had been called and had come to see me, along with Malcolm, and even Travis was expected to arrive in a few days. It was sad that people worried that Travis might not come in time. But I tried not to focus on that- just on staying strong.  
  
I was happy that Jon arrived, and that, in a way, I accomplished my goal of getting him and Malcolm to come see my father, though I admit, it didn't happen in the best way possible. However, I was glad to hear the first day Jon came that he and my dad had put the past aside. The hatred that they once found growing between them had dissipated over the recent years as they realized it was unjustified, and that there really wasn't much reason why they felt that to begin with. They had reestablished the friendship they once had, and I could tell they both felt like they had regained a part of themselves that they had lost a long time ago. I couldn't help but smile, knowing I had been successful in bringing the two back together again.  
  
As I looked around the room every day, I began to notice how much everyone looked so different, so old compared to the people I saw in picture that day in the attic, a day that felt so far away. No one mentioned old fights or old grudges, because none of that mattered now. The only thing that mattered in the room was that I had to get better soon, or I would die. They all knew it, but they stayed strong. I guess they figured... if *I* could do it, so could they.  
  
My only escape from my poor condition was the conversations between everyone, which I was happy to listen to, but I was still always tired and frail, and I couldn't get away from that for long. I was unhappy to live every day knowing that every one of those days was a blessing to me, and for some reason, I was starting to be comforted by the idea of the release death would bring. I didn't know what was scarier to me: death itself, or the fact that thinking about it didn't bother me as much anymore.  
  
It was on one of my worse days that Phlox surprised me. He had brought a colleague of his, just like he had told me he would weeks ago. The woman was Xyrillian like me, and had a sweet and soothing smile on her face as well as a kindness about her that masked her diplomatic status. But as nice as she seemed, it was still odd being around another person of my own species, almost uncomfortable. I hadn't ever seen another Xyrillian before in my life, let alone *meet* one. It was different seeing her, almost scary, and what felt even stranger was that she felt like an alien to me.  
  
"K'Ela, this is a colleague of mine, Doctor Rei'Ahn," Phlox introduced us.  
  
"Hello," she greeted, smiling still.  
  
"I am so sorry that I took so long to find her. Doctor Rei'Ahn was stationed over on Viris IV, and so contacting her took longer than I expected. It is so crowded on that planet that it has become extremely difficult to locate just one single person there. And even more difficult to find a transport ship that will take you as far as Earth."  
  
Doctor Rei'Ahn turned to Phlox. "I do apologize for not arriving here sooner."  
  
Phlox shook his head, waving his hand in the air and dismissing her apology. "No, no, no.... No apology necessary. The IME sometimes sends us places where it is just naturally difficult to leave quickly." He paused a moment in thought. "What were you doing over there on Viris IV?"  
  
She sighed. "There was an outbreak of disease- brought by a Viskan trader. He didn't know he was a carrier of this virus, and because his species isn't susceptible to it, and doesn't believe it to be anything harmful, I don't hold him at fault for not knowing. But the what struck me most was that neither did the people who let him onto the planet."  
  
Phlox made a noise of disappointment, shaking his head. "It's discouraging, really, that a species as advanced as they are could be so careless with protocol."  
  
"Hopefully, now they know the consequences, and will be more cautious."  
  
I was a little irritated that they had carried on their conversation, completely ignoring me, but I just listened and said nothing.  
  
Rei'Ahn at last turned her gaze on me, again smiling that smile of hers. "K'Ela.... I've heard much about you from Phlox. You're Commander Tucker's daughter, right?"  
  
I nodded, afraid my throat was too dry to speak.  
  
"I've heard much about *him* as well." For the first time in possibly my entire life, someone that had never met either of us had said that in a very nice tone- and on top of that, she sounded even *delighted*! And so that made *me* feel happier.  
  
"All good things, I hope," I said weakly.  
  
"Oh, of course!"  
  
She took a moment to just politely stand by my bed, but I didn't exactly like that. It felt like she was being too silent after coming all this way.  
  
"I don't mean t' be rude, or anythin'... but d' ya think you can help me?" I tried not to sound as sarcastic as I intended it to be. After all, she meant well, she was probably just distracted by something she remembered as she looked at me.  
  
"Yes, I believe so." She came around the bed to my side and sat down in the chair that David would have been sitting in if he hadn't gone downstairs to get some breakfast. "And I understand why you didn't want to do this before, but it is the only way for you to get your health back. There isn't much choice now."  
  
It took me only a second to realize what she meant. She wanted me and David to use the "transferral medium"- whatever that was. "Don't you know another way?"  
  
She shook her head. "I'm sorry. There isn't one."  
  
I opened my mouth to say something, but Phlox interrupted before I could get a word in. "K'Ela, I'm worried that after today you may not have enough strength to fight anymore. Please just do this."  
  
He was right. I had struggled to do everything that day, from breathing and moving to talking and paying attention. It was so hard lately to do anything. "I'll only do this if David agrees."  
  
They both nodded. As long as I wasn't against it, they were happy, and as long as my reasons were understandable and not just out of stubbornness, they would be patient and accepting.  
  
But I at least was going to try for an alternative. An idea suddenly came to mind. I turned to Rei'Ahn. "But what if you an' I do this? Wouldn't I be alright, and wouldn't nothin' happen as a result?"  
  
She sighed sadly, shaking her head. "It wouldn't be the same. I'm not sure if you understand, but I cannot give you the telepathic connection you need. Two Xyrillian females can't transfer energy or DNA. We would only be able to transfer enough energy to create a telepathic bond, nothing more. You can only benefit from creating the bond between yourself and a male. Do you understand?"  
  
I nodded, though I barely did. I was running out of time, so if I had any questions, I figured I would ask them later. It didn't really matter, anyway.  
  
She nodded her head once, more out of politeness than anything else, then left to get the thing I hoped never to see in my life. The one thing I wanted to never have to deal with. But if there's one thing I learned in all these days spent in the hospital, it's that never is a very long time for nothing to happen and a thing that hardly ever occurs.  
  
There was a silence filled with apprehension in the room, but not for long.  
  
Dr. Phlox came to my side and told me comfortingly, "I know you're worried that David will become pregnant and experience the same hardships your father did. I can only offer *one* piece of good news." It was almost too long of a pause between what he said next, at least to me. "You may not have enough strength to transfer any genetic material to him. You may only be able to absorb the energy *he* will give *you*."  
  
I managed a shaky nod.  
  
At that point, I was starting to not care too much what happened. I did nothing but wait the entire time Rei'Ahn was gone. I didn't even think. I didn't even feel scared, or sad, or happy, or anything.  
  
When she returned, she came back with David, who looked like he had gone through the entire explanation with her, and was surprisingly fine with it.  
  
I laid in the bed, unmoving, not listening, not speaking, as they all set up something beside my bed. It took only a few minutes, but the entire time, I couldn't help but be interested.  
  
When they were finished, Phlox came over to me and helped me sit up. I had just enough energy to drag myself over to the chair they set up for me, and fall into it. David was in the other chair across from me, and he smiled at me. But I didn't smile back.  
  
Rei'Ahn told us, "Dr. Phlox and I will monitor both of you from here," she told us, gesturing toward the section of the room separated with a curtain. "We'll come in every few minutes as well." She then gave us a smile, and went around to the other side of the curtain.  
  
I stared down at what looked to be a bunch of that silica stuff the malls always have in shoeboxes, contained in an oddly shaped metal dish and stand. I almost refused, but I literally was either to do this or die. And at that point, with David's consent and my own desperation, I wasn't about to be stubborn.  
  
Knowing what to do because Phlox had explained it all to me earlier, I, slowly, with caution, immersed my hands into it, surprised at the feeling that came with doing that. As an eerie blue shimmer crept up my forearms, so did an odd tingling along with it- somewhat cold, like the feeling of pins and needles, but also with a warm sensation afterward, like the feeling of cold bourbon trickling down my throat. And in my hands, which were completely covered by the glowing, crystalline "pebbles," I continued to feel a slight pulsing, very slight, but still there, like suddenly being able to feel the blood coursing through my veins. Only stronger than that, as though what I had my hands in had amplified it.  
  
David mimicked me, and suddenly, I felt a burst of energy as the iridescent glow moved up *his* arms as well. By the amazed, but still delighted look on his face, I could tell he felt the same thing I did. It wasn't bad. In fact, it was really pleasant. It was just... surprising.  
  
A thought then came to me from him. I smiled. He thought it was weird, but he liked it.  
  
"I know it's weird," I told him, agreeing.  
  
"How the hell...?" he muttered in awe.  
  
"Can't you hear anythin' from *my* thoughts?"  
  
He looked confused, shaking his head.  
  
"Concentrate, David," Phlox butted in from his station on the other side of the hospital curtain. "You just need to focus a little bit harder."  
  
Phlox was very cheerful again, and that I was happy for. But I kind of wished he had taken his newfound cheer and gone with it to the other room. I didn't know how David felt about it, but having two doctors behind a curtain making suggestions and comments while we were doing this was more than a little awkward to me.  
  
David let out a small laugh. He definitely heard that.  
  
"You two are obviously making jokes at my expense." Phlox didn't seem angry, just a little peeved. I think he was more eased, to tell the truth. "I don't need to be telepathic to know that."  
  
I smiled knowing Phlox had a smile on his face. Making someone else happy always made me feel better.  
  
We spent a few seconds exchanging thoughts before Rei'Ahn then came from behind the curtain and raised a scanner over me. She tilted her head up strangely to read the device, then told us aloud, "K'Ela, it seems that this has *already* begun to rebuild your strength. Your body no longer needs to compensate for the lack of energy that this interaction is providing." She paused. "Though I'm not going to take any chances that you haven't stayed like this long enough." She then realized we were both a little uncomfortable with her next to us, and so turned off the scanner, dropping her arms to her sides, then folding her hands behind her. "I'll leave," she announced, then went back behind the curtain.  
  
There was silence for a second or two after, but our minds buzzed with activity.  
  
David's face turned down in a frown. "I told you not to worry about me. I'll be fine."  
  
Even though he said that, I could feel the fear from deep within him for telling his parents about it all.  
  
Wait a minute. "It all?"  
  
"Yeah," he told me vaguely, and nothing more. I tried to look through his thoughts for the answer, but he stopped me from knowing what it was. I could feel barriers in his mind go up, and, though I tried to get through at first, I had to respect that he didn't want me to know.  
  
Only a few minutes later, Phlox and Rei'Ahn told us we didn't have to sit there any longer. I was a little disappointed, but I was glad that I already felt my strength returning. I went back to my bed, and endured another few minutes of scans and fussing, while David stood aside and watched.  
  
He had a wan smile on his face, and I could tell he was more than a little nervous now that he would soon have to face the possibility of carrying a child. It was obvious he was scared; I could tell by how much he was fidgeting. When he saw that I was worried about him, he tried to assure me he was all right, but I wouldn't believe him.  
  
Then Rei'Ahn turned to David and scanned him as well. The room went silent, my conversation with Phlox ended. I could feel my heart pounding anxiously within my chest.  
  
Rei'Ahn turned off the scanner, but then she pressed the button once more and scanned again, double-checking her findings. She turned around to look at me and Phlox. She obviously could sense the tension, because she was hesitant to share her diagnosis. The look on her face was one of disappointment, one that showed her reasons for the delay before she would announce the results.  
  
***************  
  
Unfortunately, *I* am soooooo much meaner, and that's where I'm ending it! *Evil laugh* Just review, and as I said before, the more reviews I get,  
the faster I'll write the next chapter.  
  
^ - ^ 


	17. Future Planning

Wow, I posted this *quick*! Well. pretty quickly for *me*. So what do you think is the answer? Yes? No? Hehe.. ^ - ^  
  
Well, one new thing in this chapter I have to have a disclaimer for..  
*sigh*.. Al Bhed. All you *need* to know if you don't know what it is already: it is a language from Final Fantasy X, and possibly also in Final  
Fantasy X-2. I am in NO way connected with either, because I am just a  
measly otaku/gamer, and not POSSIBLY smart enough to come up with a pronounceable language that involves exchanging one letter of the English  
alphabet with another.  
  
(By the way, any of you out there that have played FFX and know the  
frustration of actually DECIPHERING the Al Bhed language without the  
majority of the letters and also minus all internet help will, like me,  
understand well that little brief segment in this chapter.)  
  
And now begins the chapter. *Evil laugh*  
  
Chapter 16  
  
Future Planning  
  
"It's too early to tell," she said finally.  
  
We all were able to relax then, our worries suspended- at least for the moment.  
  
"We may be able to know by early this evening, and if not, by tomorrow at latest."  
  
We both nodded, David still looking extremely nervous, but still ready to accept either answer. Although only barely, it seemed.  
  
I eyed him cautiously, waiting for something, though I wasn't sure what. Possibly a burst of apprehension or another bout of fidgeting that would end in him needing my comfort- but nothing happened. He just stood there, staring at the computer monitor, reading the words in that obviously distracted way, passing over every line, scanning each and every one, but never really comprehending a word.  
  
I listened to Phlox and Rei'Ahn for a while, letting them say what they wanted, only somewhat paying attention through it. My recovery wasn't what was on my mind, wasn't what was bothering me at the moment. I really didn't care how I was doing, or if what we did worked to help me. What did it matter now?  
  
But whether I cared or not, I had to know, so I listened as they told me that it would probably take a full day or two for me to begin to gather back my strength, and that I would hopefully be out of the hospital by the end of the week. I sat, nodding, and waiting for my opportunity to get out of there. Desperate to escape the confines of the room I had been so restricted to, when it seemed quieted down, I asked to leave. As bluntly as that.  
  
Rei'Ahn nodded reluctantly, and helped me up and into a wheelchair, pushing me out the door and down the hall. I had no idea where we were going, and no idea where I *wanted* to go, so I was willing to let her push me anywhere.  
  
There were stares as we passed people by, mostly the patients but sometimes the nurses and doctors, stares that I was familiar with but not accustomed to. I hated them. Not the people, just the stares. They made you feel so different, so... disgusting. You felt degraded- like you were standing there in front of them doing the basest thing you could think to do, or were standing there wearing absolutely nothing at all. It was an awful stare- like you were offending them in some way by just being there, by just existing.  
  
I turned around to look at Rei'Ahn. Her face was straight, but not angry. Not happy, mind you, but not angry. I wished I had her tolerance. I knew I had tried, but I couldn't help but hate the way I felt when someone stared.  
  
"Thank you," I told her at last.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"...Everything." I knew it was a lame thing to say, but I didn't really know how to say it any other way. She had saved my life, given me a new chance to make up for everything I had done, and now she was pushing me through the halls where she was enduring the same glares I was. It took a strong person to do all of that on a daily basis, with new patients all the time that expected that of her. But I *didn't*. I knew it was too much to ask of a person, to force them through that always, and to keep a smile on as they suffered through it.  
  
She was silent, though I wasn't sure whether she didn't know how to respond, or if she just didn't feel one was necessary.  
  
"How d' you put up with it all the time?"  
  
"I'm not sure what you mean."  
  
"All these stares.... Ya act like ya don't even see 'em."  
  
Another silence, save for the scraping of the plastic and metal wheels and the noise of the activity around us.  
  
"It's difficult not to see them," she quietly told me, somewhat sadly. "But I've been to Earth enough to realize that people like us- people that look different from humans- tend to be frightening to them. As it is with most new experiences. They tend to be either frightened or intrigued."  
  
"Most of the time," I mumbled, remembering Sam and Rob.  
  
"True," she agreed. "I have had my share of angry welcomes. But no matter what, I try to remember that I'm very new to them. And just as a small child is frightened by a friendly stranger, many humans feel the same toward... aliens," she finished, finding the word she was looking for.  
  
I wasn't too happy that her analogy compared humans to small children, but in this case, it seemed true. The glares were in innocence, out of curiosity, and weren't meant to be hurtful. Well... *most* weren't.  
  
Coming out of my thoughts, I finally knew that she was taking me to the hospital's cafeteria. When we entered, she brought me toward the table where my father, Jon, Malcolm, Hoshi, and Travis sat. They all looked up when they saw me coming, and smiled to see me out of my bed, out of my room. I was pushed over to the end of the table, where no chairs were, and smiled wearily at their greetings while Rei'Ahn walked back to my room.  
  
They all asked how I was for a little while, but then asked the question I knew they all wanted the answer to: "How's David?" I just told them we didn't know yet, not in the mood to explain anything. It's funny how you have to be in the mood to explain something.  
  
"So, what'd I miss, guys?" I asked everyone, wanting desperately to change the subject.  
  
"Oh..." began Jon, speaking the word as a sigh as I had known him to do, "just a few stories."  
  
"You missed a good one," Travis commented, then turned and gave Hoshi a smile.  
  
"It wasn't *that* funny," she grumbled, but in good nature and with a grin.  
  
"I can imagine *you* thought it was a pretty nasty joke," Malcolm chuckled.  
  
"It *was*!" she whined, shaking her head.  
  
"What'd they do?" I asked. I couldn't wait. I had always loved pranks, from the minute my dad turned the sink's spray on me. I was pretty soggy afterward, but still, it was fun.  
  
Hoshi rolled her eyes, sighing. "Okay. But first, you have to understand, we were all bored to death with nothing to do." She took a minute to ready herself for the story, then began. "As I said, it was getting pretty dull, and so one morning, they decided it would be just *hilarious*" -and she accented "hilarious" to be sarcastic, much to the enjoyment of the men at the table- "to pull a prank on me. The Captain woke me up *early* to tell me that we were hailed by an alien ship, and they need my help because the UT was malfunctioning or *something,* and couldn't understand the message."  
  
At that point in the story she looked to Jon, who had his hand tugging at his mouth to try to hide the smile, and shook her head. "How professional."  
  
"It wasn't my idea," he defended, laughing. "I was just going along with it."  
  
She flashed him a playful glare, then continued on. "I had absolutely *no* idea what kind of language it was, none of it made any sense. I tried to break it down so many ways.... I tried *everything* I could think of. I spent a whole day doing this...." She shook her head again. "Well, I finally gave up when you"- she meant Jon, and pointed at him like she were accusing him of a crime- "came over laughing, and asked me how the translating was going. I was so mad when you told me it wasn't an actual language."  
  
Malcolm let out the laugh he had been holding back. "So did you enjoy the message we had for you?"  
  
I gave her a confused look, and so she continued with her story, leading up to her explanation.  
  
"That night, they sent a letter to my quarters. Titled, 'The Answer to Your Torment for the Day.' I opened it up, and it said, 'Al Bhed Translation,' and had each letter of the alphabet and what it stood for. The whole time, the damn message was in English."  
  
Laughter erupted at the table.  
  
*I*, on the other hand, had no idea what Al Bhed was, and so even though it *was* funny, it wasn't hilarious. But the prank itself was great, *I* thought.  
  
"Jerks," she grumbled.  
  
I waited for them to regain some control, then asked, "So what was the message?" but then they laughed even harder.  
  
"At first it was just, 'We're sorry, Hoshi, but we couldn't help ourselves,' and things like that, a few sentences from everyone involved, but then they had put a joke on there too. which I'm *not* going to repeat."  
  
I tried to suppress the urge to laugh, but a grin came through along with a snort I really wished I hadn't exchanged for the laugh.  
  
She glared at them all. "Real mature, guys."  
  
"Wasn't *my* idea," Malcolm defended as Jon had.  
  
"Well then, whose was it? I think after almost thirty years, *someone* can admit to it."  
  
I looked around the table, my eyes locking on my dad when he ducked his head aside, trying to stifle back a grin that gave him away.  
  
"Trip?" she laughed, trying to reach over Travis to whap him on the head, though unsuccessfully, because Travis had her. "I can't *believe* you!" she giggled. "An awful prank and a dirty joke on top of it!"  
  
"Well, I knew ya wouldn't hurt me at the time!" he said, backing away in his chair and ducking another attempt of Hoshi's to actually land her hit.  
  
"That doesn't mean I won't hurt you now," she joked, but giving up her goal for the moment and sitting back in her chair.  
  
"Better sleep with one eye open," Travis warned him.  
  
"Hm." Dad said back, in fact paying very little attention to Travis, his eyes now looking over my shoulder at the door.  
  
"What?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to turn to look on account of possibly not having the strength. I finally did look, but saw no one there- only a glimpse of a person leaving. All I really did was get a headache: a reminder that I wasn't fully recovered yet.  
  
I, feeling the room blur and my stomach turn, rested my head in my hands and my elbows on the table in a sad attempt to bring the swaying room to a stop.  
  
"You wanna go back upstairs?" Dad asked me, concerned that I may injure myself even further by just staying there, and possibly pass out.  
  
"No, not really," I told him. "I've been up there for too long."  
  
I really wished that it was long enough, but my head spun, and even my eyes hurt. I just really didn't want to go back. Because there in that room was Phlox and Rei'Ahn and David, all constant reminders that I was recovering, I was not well and shouldn't expect to be, and that I may or may not soon be a mother.  
  
Dad put his hand on my shoulder, watching me carefully.  
  
I looked up to see Jon glaring at my father with a look that said, "I thought she was going to be okay."  
  
"I'm okay. I just... turned around too quick, that's all," I explained to everyone.  
  
All of them relaxed at that, relieved that at least I was well enough to offer an explanation.  
  
Dad nodded, and stood. "C'mon. I'll push ya back t' yer room."  
  
I looked down guiltily. "That's. that's alright. I kinda wanna stay here for a while."  
  
The rest of them exchanged uncomfortable glances through an uneasy silence.  
  
"I think we'll go back up to the room," Jon informed us, sensing the tension of the oncoming conversation between me and my father, then leaving with the others.  
  
I watched them leave, not looking over to Dad, who was sitting now.  
  
"Listen, K'Ela..." he began softly, "I know ya don't wanna go back there 'cause ya don't wanna face the possibility that David's pregnant.."  
  
"Dad," I interrupted, but he wanted to finish.  
  
"Hold on. Jus'... hold on a minute. You gotta know this." He heaved out a heavy sigh, then ran his hand back through his hair. "Yer the only one not okay with this. D'ya know that?"  
  
I opened my mouth, but said nothing.  
  
"Everyone else is okay with it, but I don't think you know that," he said again. "Yer too busy tellin' yerself yer worried about how everyone'll take it, but yer not seein' that *yer* the one that's not sure how t' face it."  
  
"But you've seen 'im, Dad- ya know he's scared!" I insisted.  
  
"A'course he's scared! I don't know a person that *wouldn't* be at first." He waited a moment, then told me, hardening his voice, "It doesn't matter if yer a man or a woman, yer scared, K'Ela. Yer scared yer not ready, yer scared you'll screw up, yer scared somethin' might happen.... Ya can't help it. It's too big of a thing t' *not* be afraid."  
  
My lips quivered a bit as I fought back tears. "I don't wanna hurt him like Ah'Len hurt you."  
  
His face and voice lost all hardness and strength, and his mouth fell into a large frown. He didn't have anything really to say to that. "We've talked about this before. That was different. That was *much* different, an' you know that."  
  
"How d' you *know* that, though? How d' you know that somethin' won't happen, an' it'll end up hurtin' him just as much?"  
  
"I *know*," he insisted. "David's not...." He hesitated to say what he was about to say, but then said it anyway. "I was livin' my dream. I had spent twelve years at Starfleet so I could be on that mission. David isn't doin' anythin' he wouldn't wanna give up."  
  
There was a lull in the conversation, and so I went off on a tangent, deciding to speak what was on my mind.  
  
"I hate Ah'Len for what she did," I revealed, my voice full of bitterness.  
  
His eyes grew wide at hearing that, but he came back from the initial shock to respond. "Don't say that. Because of her I have *you*."  
  
"Exactly," I told him, tears choking my voice.  
  
"No," he said forcefully. "I don't hate Ah'Len for what she did, and neither should you. Don't be mad at her. All she did was help create a life. You should hate me; I helped take hers away. Along with the lives of thirty-five other people."  
  
I stared hard into his sad eyes, eyes that wouldn't look up from a fixed spot on the table, but I said nothing.  
  
"So don't *ever* say you wish you were never born. You were the best thing that ever happened t' me." He looked up finally, and I watched as silent tears slipped down his cheeks.  
  
"Dad..." I said quietly, then reached over and hugged him. "I'm sorry.... I didn't mean t'. say anythin'.." I couldn't really find the right apology.  
  
He managed a smile. "It's fine. Sometimes it's just hard... t' feel okay about somethin' like this." He bit at the side of his bottom lip. "Ya think you can go back t' David now? I really think he might want'cha t' be around. I know *I* would."  
  
I gave him a half-smile, then nodded.  
  
As we went back up to my room, I thought about everything that had happened between me and my father, at times glancing up at him. He seemed different, not like he had been weeks ago- not like the man I knew to be my father. He had become much more confident, more happy, as though a part of him had been renewed. Being around his friends really made him so much happier, and for that I was happy too.  
  
When we arrived back at the room, David came over to me and helped me back to my bed; I was still considerably weak.  
  
Almost right away, Dr. Phlox gestured Dad over, who looked a little confused, and asked, "Is K'Ela alright?" wondering why Phlox had called him over.  
  
"Yes, yes," Phlox told him, almost annoyed, which surprised me a little. "Just come."  
  
Dad blinked a few times, not sure what to think, but went with him anyway.  
  
It didn't take me too long to discover that all of my visitors had gone with him, into, presumably, another room.  
  
"What's goin' on?" I asked.  
  
David swallowed with much difficulty. I could tell he was nervous- I saw the beads of sweat on his face, and I could almost hear his heart pounding relentlessly in his chest.  
  
"David?"  
  
He finally sat down on the bed across from me, and began. "Uh... listen, K'Ela... I don't want you to think I'm doing this just because we might...." His voice trailed off, but I at least got the general message. "I wanted to do this *weeks* ago, the day you would come back from your dad's." He laughed a little. "Well, that didn't exactly happen. But I wanna do this now, baby or no baby."  
  
He struggled to adjust himself on the bed until he at last had himself on his knees. He had attempted a different position, but had failed, and so settled for that one. He had to sit on his feet to keep at my eye level, but settled for that as well.  
  
"K'Ela..." he began, looking into my eyes, "I... I always knew you were special. And without you, I don't think I'd be the same person I am now. When I'm with you... nothing else seems to matter. When we're together... I feel complete. You have always been my friend, and over the years I've known you, you've come to be so much more than that to me. And I hope now... that you'll be even more to me... by being my wife."  
  
As he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, square black box, it finally felt real, and the tears welled up in my eyes.  
  
He opened it, and still looking into my eyes asked, "K'Ela... will you marry me?"  
  
I allowed my grin to widen until my face hurt. "Yes," I said, overjoyed at his proposal.  
  
He slipped the ring on my finger, and then kissed me, holding me close.  
  
"I love you," he told me.  
  
"I love you too."  
  
I had never meant anything more in my life.  
  
All of a sudden, what my dad said made perfect sense. If he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and if I wanted to spend the rest of *my* life with *him*, then having a baby together would just be another part of that.  
  
I heard a door close and turned to see Phlox peeking around the curtain, the largest, creepiest grin I've ever seen stretched across his face. The grin returned to just a smile as he announced with a familiar happy lilt in his voice, "She said yes!"  
  
Just then, everyone else came around the curtain as well, smiling and congratulating us.  
  
Dad looked the happiest of all, though it was a reserved happiness that I knew well. He came over and hugged me tight until I wasn't sure if I would be able to breathe, and then stood and turned to David. I could tell he wasn't sure whether or not to hug *him* as well, but he did- though not as tightly as he had hugged me.  
  
"You knew me ever since I was a kid, so I hope you're not planning on giving me a speech about not hurting her... one that involves you coming after me," David joked after my father let him go.  
  
"I know you'd *never* hurt 'er," Dad said, completely straight-faced and serious, but his voice still light. "You love 'er too much."  
  
I turned and looked into David's eyes. They sparkled with joy, with happiness, and a love you rarely see any place but movies. Only, this was real.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Rei'Ahn, uncertain whether or not to come closer, but still determined to do her job as she had promised to do.  
  
"I'm very sorry to interrupt..." she told us, coming in through the parting crowd toward David.  
  
I could feel him tense up, unsure of how to react as Rei'Ahn raised the scanner over him once again. She nodded slowly in acknowledgement, pursing her lips as she eyed the scanner, then David. Then Dr. Phlox came over and stood behind her, briefly read the results, almost exactly copying her motions.  
  
"Shall *I* announce the results, or *you*?" he asked her, causing my mind to scream out //Now is *NOT* the time to be polite!!!//  
  
She gestured to him, indicating he should be the one, and stepped back to allow him the floor, so to speak.  
  
"David..." he began, accenting his name oddly, "you *are* expecting."  
  
***************  
  
I was a little teeny bit mean leaving the answer until the end, huh? ^ - ^  
Oh well! It just worked out that way.. (*cough* Because I purposely  
*did* it that way..)  
  
So now you can review.. Go on. You know you want to. 


	18. Hajimaru

Wow! I haven't updated in a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time!!! Oops! Well, not my fault! I have projects and a term paper and an essay and, holy crap, more projects. But I'm avoiding it all for you guys! ^ _ - v  
  
So, I really hope everyone remembers where I left off, 'cause a recap would be a bit too long, don'tcha think? I mean, condensing 71 pages is a little tough. And I think this may just be my longest chapter ever. So nope, not  
gonna recap.  
  
Okay, for anyone that doesn't know (and that actually wants to know),  
"hajimaru" is Japanese. If you want to know what it means, look it up! J/K, it means "to begin," but "hajimaru" sounds a lot nicer, doesn't it?  
Kind of a paradox, if you think about it, but it really fits with the  
chapter.  
  
So, enjoy the chapter, after the long wait, AND the long intro.  
  
Chapter 17  
  
Hajimaru  
  
I was surprised to find that I felt... happy. For the first time in a long time. I immediately hugged David, who was taking the news pretty well, considering the situation was a little stressful to say the least. He had very little choice from the beginning, knowing that if he abandoned me then.... Well.... That was done and over with. But I suppose not having the time to think over any of his own consequences meant that he had no time to let the insecurities bother him as they did me. I truly did not understand at first as to why hearing the news didn't immediately bring up weeks of equivocal dread that had remained on the surface of his mind but had never actually been addressed. But it took me little time to realize he didn't allow that to happen in fear that he might uproot my deepest anxieties that I had suppressed. I was afraid of that reaction, but he never allowed for it.  
  
I think the biggest shock to us was that we both weren't surprised at all. We both assumed from the beginning that we were going to have a baby, and so when Phlox announced it, it was more of a reassurance to us than anything else. And so at that point, David was pretty used to the idea. Whether he was *comfortable* with it or not was a whole other matter entirely. But at the time, I doubt either of us knew how we felt. It seemed a mixture of relief and slight anxiety, and I wondered silently if the ease would, in time, overpower the apprehension and overcome it altogether.  
  
There was a calmness in the room that swept over us all soon after the initial surprise, and it pulled me away from the foreboding feeling I had felt. It was evident when they all made sure to give their congratulations, a happiness to now congratulate us on our engagement and our baby as well. There was no discomfort in their doing so, as I had thought to expect, but soon I realized that everyone left in the room, beside myself and David, had already gone through this once before.  
  
My dad was the last to come up to us, but the most delighted. I could see in his eyes a gentle shimmer that radiated and sparkled and lit up the room. It was obvious that he especially wanted to make his congratulations known, happy and slightly teary, but he managed to add in his two cents, as he usually managed to. For David's forewarning, he told him, "The first few weeks are gonna *suck*," which at least made David laugh. That dissipated any residual anxiety I had over David's reaction, and probably calmed *him* as well.  
  
When the crowd- which is really what it felt like- finally began to clear away from us, I asked him, "You're really okay?" holding his hand.  
  
"Yeah," he said, smiling, and squeezing my hand back. "Surprisingly... yeah."  
  
I put my arms around him, clasping my fingers together at his waist, and rested my head on his chest, thinking to myself that in a matter of weeks, I wouldn't be able to do that as easily anymore. Hug him like that, I mean.  
  
Phlox grinned at us, then said, "You two won't have to stay here much longer. I know you're both *anxious* to leave."  
  
He fixed his eyes on David, then started in on what he would say next. I knew there would be a "but..." to what he had said. "K'Ela needs very little medical attention as of late, however, now it seems you *do*. I would like to perform an operation on you... one that will save you a few broken ribs, unlike Mr. Tucker."  
  
I cringed at that. I knew I caused him pain, as it was a very unnatural and unusual thing for him to go through, something his body was not exactly designed for. But I had no idea that I had hurt him *that* much. No wonder he was always hurt whenever I used to crawl into his lap as a small child. *Everything* must have hurt- his entire body must have ached for years. But I kept my mouth shut. The last thing I needed to do was scare David.  
  
"I'm afraid I cannot have you undergo this operation until somewhat later; I must wait until after the child integrates with several of your organs before the surgery," Phlox explained- somewhat nonchalantly for such a harshly surreal prospect.  
  
David's jaw dropped, and his entire body froze up. I'm sure he would have voiced his worry if he had been able to actually find his voice at the time.  
  
"Don't worry, it is a necessary stage in the pregnancy for the child to survive," he explained quickly, seeing David's concern.  
  
I watched his shoulders slump as he let out a breath of relief. "Good...."  
  
Phlox nodded once. "At the end of one week, I believe, would be best?" he asked, turning to Rei'Ahn.  
  
"Yes. I believe so."  
  
"Good, then. And I will ask that you come in at the very *least* once a week."  
  
I sat up a bit. "Will *you* be the doctor seein' him?" I asked, wondering if that was what he meant.  
  
"I don't see why not," he told us. He then gave us both a smile and turned away to speak more with Rei'Ahn.  
  
I rested my head back on David's shoulder, feeling the security and safety I had always felt there. In my mind I could see us both on the floor of the gymnasium, moving slowly side to side at the dance so long ago, the night I knew I was in love. I could still hear the music echoing in the darkness of the room, still feel the pillow softness of the suit he had never before worn, still smell the sweetness of the roses on the corsages that made the foul stench of the rubber gym floor bearable.  
  
It was much like that now sitting with him, because for the first time in a long while, I felt peace. Nothing mattered but that one moment, as it had so many years ago when we were both so young.  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
We stepped outside the hospital, and though I hoped for a day of sunshine and clear blue skies, I was much happier with what nature had for me. The air smelled of summer rain, damp and hot, accompanied by the light aroma of cut grass- the trail left behind from a passing rainfall. The clouds were thick and faded gray, obstructing the light of the sun, but parting just enough to create spotlights that shone down from the sky.  
  
Everything seemed new to me, like I hadn't seen the world in years. It was almost as if I had completely forgotten sunlight, had never seen color in such vibrant hues, had never noticed the life that existed around me.... I acted much like a small child, mesmerized by it all.  
  
When we entered my father's house, I was relieved that it smelled faintly of pine, a good deal like dust, and had the slightest twinge of linen. Finally, a smell that was not sickeningly sterile.  
  
I looked around the house, my eyes scanning everything I passed. The carpeted floor felt soft beneath my feet, so different from the hard linoleum tiles of the hospital. As I passed by the place where I had once seen my father and Jon in their quarrel so many years ago, my eyes drifted to the old captain, his face lined with the sadness of the years gone by without his best friend. His eyes were misty, but the strength that commanding the NX-01 gave him prevented the memories from breaking down his so far stoic demeanor.  
  
I came to the end of the hall and stood a moment, unmoving. Light poured in through skylights, an exuberant red-orange every so often blocked by pillow-soft clouds, but always present, no matter how dim. It added a strength to the room, a vividness in everything, that I found beautiful.  
  
I watched Hoshi, Travis, and Malcolm take a corner into the den, and though I could have followed them, I found myself drawn to the west-facing windows. They were right near the skylights, and so I stood under them, feeling the warmth of the sun's rays. "Almost forgot what life outside the hospital ward was like..." I murmured quietly to myself.  
  
David put an arm around me from behind and gave me a smile. His face glowed warmly in the orange sunset. I laid my head upon his shoulder as we both looked out the windows and watched as the outside world began its regression into night. There was a long silence as we stood, observing, barely existing- it felt like we were nothing more than onlookers, watching as the world around us slipped lazily into sleep.  
  
"What'd you do with the coffee table?" a voice asked quietly from behind me, attracting only my attention, not David's. It was Jon.  
  
"It's in *there* now," my dad responded.  
  
"I got so used to trying not to walk into it that I hardly noticed it wasn't even here anymore."  
  
"That's why I moved it. Kept fallin' over the damn thing."  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"I can hardly recognize the place anymore," Jon told him. His tone was quiet, but his words had a depth that such a simple statement was almost incapable of.  
  
"A lot's changed in twenty years."  
  
There was silence, but it was not uncomfortable. There was an understanding, a sentiment that went unsaid, but hovered in the air, floated on that silence.  
  
"I, uh..." Dad began, trying to give voice to that silence, but not quite sure how.  
  
"I know, Trip. Don't worry. ...I know."  
  
I wanted to turn around, to show that I knew what it all had become to them, to express my happiness that they had both picked up from where Enterprise had torn them apart, but it wasn't my place. My place was right there, with David, engulfed by the sunlight, and not in the shadows where I had once had the fortitude and the resolution to explore. It was just not my place anymore.  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
When I awoke the next morning, I found that it was considerably late. Not only had Hoshi gone (she had made a makeshift bed out of several blankets and a pillow beside the bed for the night)- presumably downstairs- but David also was already up, and by the looks of the computer game he had on the screen, he had been up for a while. Hearing the sheets rustling as I sat up in bed, David turned around and saw me there, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. He said "Good morning," from his chair at the desk by the window.  
  
His wan smile and thin features weren't convincing enough to make me believe otherwise as to how I knew he was feeling, but I smiled back, and fumbled my way to the other side of the bed next to where he sat. I realized quickly as I tried to unwrap myself from a tangle of bedsheets that I hadn't exactly recovered my motor skills back to their optimum level. I managed anyway, trying almost too hard, I thought, to compensate for my lack of coordination.  
  
"When'dja get up?" I asked, finally getting settled.  
  
"I have no idea," he mumbled, shaking his head.  
  
I tilted my head sympathetically, deciding not to ignore that his face was drained of much of its color. "Y'okay?"  
  
He shrugged, his shoulders slumped limply. "Good enough, I guess."  
  
"Nauseous again?"  
  
"Hm," he laughed weakly. "That's an understatement."  
  
I reached over to him and wrapped my arms around him, loosely, afraid that I might hold him too tight for his queasy stomach to handle, but he didn't seem to mind too much. I could feel our baby growing inside him, and its tiny heartbeat through his skin. He put his hand over mine and smiled. I was happy to see that, knowing he could have felt very uncomfortable right then. But, unfortunately, that smile gradually drooped into a frown.  
  
"Oh, crap- let go," he told me, prying my arms off of him and quickly leaving the room.  
  
I sighed, hoping to myself that it would only be a few weeks of this. I'm sure David was thinking the exact same thing. I got up and flopped lazily into the computer chair, swiveling around a little bit to quiet the discomfort of being by myself in such a big room. It seemed like every big room became much bigger when I was the only one in it. I hated it. But at least that feeling was starting to become easier to cope with, and I'm sure, with time, would eventually disappear altogether.  
  
I looked around the desk, trying to kill time until David returned- after all, I didn't really want to leave him by himself when he had at least waited for me to wake up. I smiled seeing a doodle on a small yellow notepad beside me, a funny little sketch with absolutely no significance at all, but obviously something he had had fun with. I flipped to the next page to see if he had drawn another, but instead was a phone number, written a few times with numbers inverted and others exchanged, several Xs and squiggles to show that the number was wrong, until one was finally settled upon- one which only looked vaguely familiar to me. I tried to think, tried to comprehend the numbers, but their significance wouldn't surface in my mind.  
  
I turned around then, hearing David coming back. I still held the pad in my hand, hoping that if he saw me, a discussion would follow. I wanted that discussion. I didn't want to avoid it. It needed to be said, whatever it was.  
  
When he came into the room, he looked sadly at me, noticing the paper. "I know you're probably gonna tell me I have to, but I'm not gonna go through with it, so don't even bother to waste your time debating," he grumbled, sitting down heavily on the bed.  
  
The number became familiar to me again once that was said. It was his parents' new phone number- one he had only become aware of through his brother Mike. I doubt he had asked for it once he knew of the change, considering they hadn't had the decency to tell him about it, but rather had been given it "in case of emergency- you know... just in case"- as Mike had told him as he handed David the piece of paper... one he kept for a day or so, then tore up. I could understand his reluctance to make contact with them after their cruel excommunication, and more so now that our son or daughter would be subjected to the same treatment that they showed to me.  
  
"It's your decision," I told him quietly.  
  
He sighed. "I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to...." He stopped.  
  
He didn't want to be hurt anymore.  
  
"I know," I said, sitting very still.  
  
"I don't even want them to know," he said sadly. "But... is that necessarily a bad thing?"  
  
I thought about it for a long while. I really didn't know. I didn't even know whether they even loved their own son- so why would they, after hating me, love our baby?  
  
"I don't know what to do..." he told me, shrugging. "They.... I don't know how they'll react. And I don't think I want to know." He paused. "Maybe... maybe it'll be different from before. ...But maybe it won't be."  
  
"Well... as I said, it's your decision." I didn't exactly want to get caught up in it all, or be responsible for a bad decision. Especially since both choices seemed so wrong... to him, at least. I still couldn't help but feel like not telling them would be the right choice, knowing how they had treated my father, but I did not voice how I felt.  
  
Would they treat David as a disappointment now too? Or rather, as more of a disappointment than he already was to them? Could they continue to just simply pretend he doesn't exist, ignore any and all complications he might have and then turn their heads away when the day finally comes when he gives birth? Anger boiled inside me, and I found it harder and harder to control how I felt.  
  
I looked up to see if David was battling as violent emotions as I was, only to see him staring at the bedspread, almost as if he were counting each loop of thread. Rather than anger and hate, it seemed he was struggling with very somber thoughts. "I just need some time to think about it," he said, his voice hollow and sad.  
  
My ire turned immediately to sadness, now concerned with his own unhappiness rather than my awareness of the maltreatment toward myself and my father, and undoubtedly, what my baby would also face. I found my composure and reminded him, trying to comfort his nerves, "Don't worry, no one's rushin' you."  
  
He laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. "Aren't you forgetting about someone?"  
  
My body slouched back into the chair. Why did this have to be so difficult?  
  
"It's a matter of *weeks* here, remember? Pretty soon, it's gonna be too late."  
  
I sighed. "Yeah, I guess so."  
  
No one said anything, neither of us really sure where to take it from there.  
  
"Wanna go downstairs?" I asked quietly.  
  
He just nodded, then stood up with me.  
  
We walked to the door, but I stopped him, resting my hand on his shoulder. "Ya still have some time," I reassured.  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
"I can't imagine you both slept for this long," Hoshi told us, placing her plate in the sink.  
  
"And just what are you implying, Hoshi?" Travis sniggered, his lascivious mind getting the best of him.  
  
"Still the same after all these years," Malcolm teased, but barely audible above Hoshi's protests and the others' laughing at poor Hoshi as she blushed, chiding Travis.  
  
The bickering between them all had very much helped me try to put behind me the troubles of what had gone on upstairs. I had decided not to involve them all in a personal decision like this one, as it was David's decision, not mine or anyone else's. But just being around them made me happier, so I didn't have to try too hard to return to my usual self.  
  
I snatched a muffin from behind Dad and flopped into one of the chairs at the table, unaware of how hyper I was after such a long period of being so weak. I assumed that the combination of the stimulants I had taken and being unable to do much for so long accounted for my energy.  
  
"Guess I don't need t' ask if ya want anythin' t' eat..." Dad teased. He smiled at David. "How 'bout you? You feelin' up to some breakfast?"  
  
David shook his head. "I don't wanna even *think* about food."  
  
He laughed. "Been there...."  
  
I finished my muffin quickly to go sit next to David on the couch. As I sat down, probably a bit too heavily for being beside someone as nauseous as he was, he winced.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"My side hurts..." he told me, his hand over the now very defined lump over his ribcage. "Every time I move like that. And every time the baby moves."  
  
"I'm sorry.... I'll be more careful." But he still held his side. "It's almost a week, don't worry."  
  
"What's goin' on?" Dad asked.  
  
"He says his side hurts."  
  
"Huh..." he said in thought. "I don't remember hurtin' too bad *this* early...."  
  
"Should we take him to Phlox?" Travis suggested.  
  
He looked at David, and I could see him staring almost through him as a memory caused him to hesitate. It was obviously something that he remembered going through, and was slightly troubled by the outcome. "...Might be a good idea."  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
"So, Doc?"  
  
Phlox looked up briefly from the scanner over David's abdomen to acknowledge the question, but his eyes almost immediately were focused back on the readings. "It seems his gestation period will be slightly shorter than yours was," he said. I could see by his countenance that he was somewhat uncertain now about whether he was taking the best course of action by waiting a full week. Then he said, defining specifically *what* length of time he saw in store for David, "Actually, I believe that around the time *you* delivered K'Ela premature, *he* will actually come to term."  
  
David fidgeted uncomfortably. "So... what does that mean?"  
  
"Complications arose for Mr. Tucker, I believe, during the second week or so, and I assumed you would experience the same complications at the same time. However... I did not account for the variation I should have been aware of due to your two very different situations. K'Ela's once deteriorating neurons and failing neurotransmitters had caused her to emit, almost in a frenzy, enough genetic material and enough energy necessary to hurriedly complete the mental bond. She could then begin to regenerate any region of her mind that had been damaged- or rather, slowed or shut down for that period of time. And so, chemical processes in the child were actually sped up as well, on account of K'Ela's hasty expulsion."  
  
He turned off the scanner. "So in your case... those complications I spoke of may become problematic very soon."  
  
"Does that mean you have to operate right now?"  
  
"I believe I would be taking a serious risk if I did so," he disagreed. "The child might be developing at a quicker rate, however, it has integrated only recently with your digestive system- as, previously, it had merely absorbed nutrients, and now is beginning to prepare for the actual process of digesting food on its own- and respiratory system so as to gradually acclimate to our atmosphere.... Pulling it from your ribcage at this point in time may be fatal to this baby, and may cause serious affliction to yourself."  
  
David's face paled.  
  
"What if we waited a little bit?" I offered, though it was a fairly obvious suggestion.  
  
He nodded. "I believe that would be the best thing to do." He turned back to David. "I will try to wait as long as I possibly can without causing you too much pain, then I will perform the surgery. But I am still unsure of how early I will be able to do this without doing harm."  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
Two days later we were back in the hospital.  
  
He had been in pain the day before, and then in tremendous agony the day we went back. He said it even hurt to breathe. We were all afraid that any breath might break his ribs. And now, we all sat in the waiting room, terrified that one of them might not survive.  
  
Dad put his arm around me, but I could barely feel it there. David was still two days too early for this surgery, and my mind was unable to comprehend anything else. If he was hurt, it would be my fault. And I couldn't bear to see someone I love so much suffer because of me. And what if the baby died? My heart sank in my chest. I didn't know if I could deal with that.  
  
Phlox had tried to reassure us that, though there was a greater chance of danger to the two of them, he would compensate for that by being even more careful with the already delicate operation. But I was numb to all knowledge of every precaution; all I could think of was the chance we were taking. There was danger in just the pregnancy itself, and now there was even more.  
  
I stared off at the wall, just wishing that- just this one time- everything would be okay.  
  
//Come on, hurry up....// I packed my backpack as quickly as possible, thankful that my study hall teacher was kind enough to let us out to our lockers early. However, it seems a law of nature that under pressure, it becomes absolutely impossible to find each and every Padd you need, and actually manage to get it into a bag. You suddenly become the most clumsy, disorganized person to ever live.  
  
Then the afternoon bell rang: a signal that sends all hell to break loose in every hallway in every school, no exceptions.  
  
//Damn friggin' bell....//  
  
And for me, it was a signal that sent me the all too cruel message that I can't run away forever.  
  
I abandoned actually looking for the Padds I needed and just shoved every last one of them into the bag, zipping it up and throwing my locker shut, thinking to myself, //Great job, K'Ela.... Gonna be outta here in *no* time.//  
  
"K'Ela," a quiet voice said from right behind me.  
  
I flinched. //He *can't* be here that quickly, he just *can't* be....//  
  
I turned around and saw David's inquiring eyes staring down at mine.  
  
//I really hate being slow.//  
  
I started to walk away.  
  
"Hold on!" he told me, dashing after me, then matching my pace.  
  
"Don'tcha need t' go t' yer locker or somethin'?"  
  
"No."  
  
I walked quicker.  
  
"Aw, come on, K'Ela, are you just gonna keep running away from me?!"  
  
"Actually, I was goin' fer avoidance altogether."  
  
He took my arm when we reached the bottom of the stairway, making me finally stop and turn around, speechless for once. "Why won't you talk to me?"  
  
"'Cause-" I started out angrily, then stopped. How could I explain that it really wasn't him I was avoiding? It was the questions that I asked myself when he was around that scared me, that made me angry. "...Because I don't understand."  
  
"What don't you understand?" he asked me calmly.  
  
I looked at the floor, and he let go of my arm. He knew now I wasn't going to run off. "You told me somethin' yesterday, an'..."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
There was no further away I could look than at the floor, and I was slightly disappointed by that. I could feel my blood starting to boil at all the questions he was shooting at me, even though he wasn't really being all that forceful. Then again, maybe that was the reason I couldn't stand his questions. "I don' exactly feel like explainin'."  
  
"Well, you're gonna have to, because right now I don't have a good reason for why you don't accept that I love you."  
  
"Quit sayin' that."  
  
"Why, then?"  
  
Now he was really getting me furious.  
  
"Why *should* I stop? If you don't love *me*, then-"  
  
"I didn't say that!"  
  
"Then *what*??"  
  
"Because you *can't* love me!" I nearly shouted, stunned at my own sudden outburst, and then, as I flushed a very red copper color, very thankful that not many people used this stairway.  
  
"Well *now* we're getting somewhere," he said with a slight smile.  
  
That jerk! That was his intention the whole time! To make me so mad that I would finally just blurt out what I was thinking! If I wasn't so stunned, I would have killed him.  
  
"Now why shouldn't I love you?"  
  
I gritted my teeth. "I dunno if ya realize this, but in a goddamn *hallway* is *not* exactly the best place t' have one 'a these arguments."  
  
"This is a stairwell. There's a big difference," he came back with, a grin stretched across his face.  
  
"You really piss me off," I hissed.  
  
"Good."  
  
"...An' yer too damn *quiet* all the time!" I declared, somewhat randomly, actually, now that I look back on it.  
  
He laughed. "Well, opposites attract."  
  
"Don'tcha think we're just a little *too* opposite?" I countered.  
  
"Meaning?" he inquired, leaning his weight on the wall beneath his shoulder.  
  
"You know *exactly* what I mean."  
  
"Just 'cause you're not human?"  
  
"'*Just*'?" I laughed at the ridiculous understatement. "I wouldn't exactly say 'just' fer that."  
  
"Well, it doesn't matter to *me*."  
  
"But...." I had just lost the only subject I had for argument.  
  
He approached me and touched my hand gently, still hesitant to do anything that might provoke my defensiveness again. "I love you K'Ela," he said sincerely. "I just wanna know if you love *me*."  
  
I stared into his hazel eyes, too honest to want to look away from, and nodded.  
  
"...Isn't that enough?"  
  
He looked into my eyes for permission, waiting for another protest, but received none. So he pressed his lips to mine, and I was done with arguing.  
  
"K'Ela? K'Ela?"  
  
I came back from my daze.  
  
"David is in recovery right now," Phlox told me. "They both did very well, and though there was *some* trouble, it was not-"  
  
"What kind of trouble?" I asked, my heart nearly jumping from my chest.  
  
"Just what I had expected and nothing worse," he said reassuringly, strongly, trying to calm me. "You don't need to be concerned."  
  
Even though I was, I tried my best to relax.  
  
"If you would like to see him now, you can."  
  
I found myself in the hallway in seconds, following Phlox to the room David was in, the whole time seeing nothing around me until we were in the room. Once we were there, Phlox decided to give us some time by ourselves, and returned to the waiting room instead to assure the others of good health.  
  
"How are ya?" I asked quietly, David looking exhausted but happy.  
  
"I'm okay," he told me weakly. "How 'bout you? You look worse than *I* do."  
  
I laughed, shaking my head. "Ya scared the hell outta me."  
  
I sat on the bed, trying not to sit on his hands or legs, as it was not a wide bed. "That was kinda close, huh?" I said, trying not to sound as grim as the thoughts that had gone through my mind.  
  
"I'm just glad we didn't lose him," he said, placing his hand lightly over his stomach.  
  
My eyes grew wide. "*Him*?" I asked.  
  
"Phlox... didn't tell you?" he asked, now worried that I hadn't wanted to know.  
  
I shook my head.  
  
"Oh...." He shifted nervously. "Did I just ruin something?"  
  
"Not at all," I said in a hushed voice, smiling. He knew then that I was not unhappy that I had not been told, but was actually awed at the knowledge.  
  
"'Him,' huh?" I said in amazement, and joy unlike I'd ever felt flooded my heart with warmth.  
  
My hand found the small bulge in his stomach where our baby grew, and I smiled. "I can't believe this is our little boy in here...." I looked at David. "...Is it weird?"  
  
He laughed a little, smiling, then reluctantly nodded. "But... it's not as weird as I thought."  
  
I lingered a minute longer, musing over the child that I found to be nothing less than perfect in my eyes. I couldn't imagine what I would have felt like if, at that moment, there wasn't a baby to inquire about... or if David was no longer there beside me to respond. Thoughts of life without them brought back the horrible feeling of sinking along with slowly accumulating tears.  
  
I put my arms around him then, and hugged him tightly, letting my tears fall freely, taking him a bit by surprise. "Please don't ever scare me like that again.... I don't ever wanna hear that you two might not be okay...."  
  
He wrapped his arms around me, comforting me. "I'll try my best," he laughed, but his eyes were misty as well.  
  
I could tell he knew that there would be so many more complications, so many chances that he might not make it through this, but he was determined to just press on, no matter what. He was too strong to let possibilities intimidate him.  
  
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
"And Phlox is sure?"  
  
I nodded. "Why wouldn't 'e be?" I asked quietly.  
  
Malcolm dropped his eyes to the corner of the room and said nothing for a long time as he sat in deep thought.  
  
I could hear over the humming of the air conditioning system Travis and Hoshi upstairs with David in light and airy conversation, and in the den, Dad and Jon talking in low tones, apparently still with much catching up to do. I was hovering between concern and relief, but landed on neither for any sufficient amount of time.  
  
"I suppose I had always seen it..." he began quietly. "...I just chose to brush it off."  
  
"I hope yer not blamin' yerself," I told him, playing with the empty glass in front of me to try to distract myself from the worries which I refused to allow to overtake me.  
  
"I'm not placing the full blame on myself, but I *am* partially at fault for letting it get as bad as it had...." His voice faded out.  
  
"I'm sure we *all* could'a done somethin'...." I stopped playing with the glass. "But... really, I don't think any of us knew just *what* t' do."  
  
"No, K'Ela, don't you start grouping yourself in with the rest of us, telling yourself you shared our responsibilities." I narrowed my eyes at him in disbelief that he would say such a thing. "I know you probably have taken it upon yourself to... well... take some of the blame, but-"  
  
"I-" I interrupted, but he held up a hand to stop me.  
  
"...But," he continued, "you know as well as I do that a father doesn't burden his daughter with his own troubles." He sighed. "I'm sure he never let on to the things people said behind your back.... About him *or* you."  
  
He shook his head. "It's a shame that so many are still like that now, and that you have to face the same thing he once could shield you from *now* when you have the knowledge of an adult and not as much of that innocent... unconditional acceptance we have as young children that all people are good."  
  
I was silent, but then I returned to the matter at hand, dismissing what he said so I would feel neither responsible nor powerless. "It doesn't matter anymore whose fault it was, it's just a matter of making sure things don't get worse."  
  
He nodded. "But I think he's doing well... at least for now."  
  
I agreed. "I don't really know what t' make of it, though. Is it just because you guys are here, but he'll go back t' bein' depressed when you leave, or is it because he knows he isn't alone?"  
  
Malcolm found that he had no response, and frowned. "I really hope it's the latter. Maybe he could get better then, once he realizes that."  
  
"I really hope so."  
  
He watched me start to play with the glass again. "...Do you think, maybe... he might try to contact his family again?"  
  
"After all these years?" I laughed cynically, then shook my head. "I don't think he could. How would he be able t' just walk back in there after how he left? An' what would they say? I... I wish things could be better'n that, but...."  
  
He was stunned. "Are you saying he hadn't even gone back to see his parents after Lizzie died?"  
  
I searched my memory for the event, and found nothing. I remembered many mentions of her- after all, many times had he told me of stories about her- but her death had happened so early in my life that the event of the attack had surfaced nothing more in my mind than the fear that froze me while the earth shook beneath my feet. Nothing more found its way to my conscious, and so I said, "He prob'ly didn't. I don't even think he went to the memorial service."  
  
He sighed. "I don't know whether I...." He trailed off, and stopped to listen intently.  
  
"What?"  
  
I heard the front door close, and Malcolm's eyes widened.  
  
"Dad?" I called, getting up from my seat and moving quickly to the door. "Dad?!"  
  
Malcolm followed me, in just as much concern that my father was running off again for some unknown reason, and by the look on Malcolm's face, this had happened before. I reached the hallway and was just about to reach the handle of the door when Jon took me away.  
  
"You can't just let 'im go like that!" I shouted, and at that point, both Travis and Hoshi had come from upstairs to see what was wrong.  
  
"No, K'Ela, let him go," Jon told me, still restraining me as Hoshi and Travis looked on in confusion.  
  
I stopped trying to escape him, and he finally let me go. I had realized that whatever the reason was to let my father leave when he was still a potential harm to himself, it had to be a pretty good one. Jon wouldn't take that risk unless it was worth taking.  
  
"He needs to do this," Jon said quietly, then retired back to the den, leaving us all waiting by the stairs.  
  
***************  
  
Okay, that was my longest chapter ever. Sorry. But I hope everyone at  
least enjoyed it.  
  
On that note. *sniffle,* the story is almost over. *Tear* But oh well! Everything has to end sometime! ^ - ^ v So just tell me what you thought of this chapter, and if you have any questions- or any bones to pick with me about not putting something in- feel free to add that to your review.  
(Can you tell I'm deprived?)  
  
So, go on, REVIEW!!! ^ - ^ 


	19. Broken Ties

Phew! The second to last chapter. Take a moment if you wish. considering I take forever with chapters.. Okay, moment's up! Read and enjoy! ^ _ - v  
  
Oh- wait.. Little important- no, VERY IMPORTANT- note: I'm changing perspectives for this one chapter only. It's probably a good thing to know that this is in TRIP's point of view before you start reading, or you will  
be confused, and bad, evil reviews (you'll see why in about seven paragraphs) that could have been avoided if my memory was better make their  
way to my mailbox. So. you can all read now.  
  
Chapter 18  
  
Broken Ties  
  
"It's been a while, huh?" I said quietly, my voice choked with tears. "I... I'm sorry I took so long."  
  
A light breeze swept by, the only response. The rest of the world seemed at a standstill, waiting in anticipation for the words that I had come to say. I swallowed back the sobs from escaping me, and continued.  
  
"I know... I know twenty-six years is a long time t' wait fer an apology, but...." I could feel a stream moving down the side of my face, but I didn't care to brush it away. After all, if I swept away one, there were more to follow anyway.  
  
"I owe it t' you."  
  
I stood a while, thinking of what to say. It seemed so much easier when I was explaining it all to Jon. I had known just what to say, known just how I was going to say it, but now, it all seemed different. It all seemed wrong.  
  
"Jeez..." I said, shaking my head at myself, realizing I had been staring off for a long while. "I'm standin' here starin' off at nothin' when all I wanted t' do was explain.... You'd prob'ly tell me t' just spill it right about now, huh?"  
  
I wanted more than anything at that moment for that stone tablet to suddenly change into my father, to be *him* rather than just his name. I wanted to rewind the last twenty-some-odd years like I could a movie and change my past so I could have simply stayed to argue with the man some more that day I came back to Earth. I wanted to punch the young man that walked out of that house right in the nose, and drag him back inside to apologize for me... so that maybe I didn't have to do that now when it was too late.  
  
"But..." I began, figuring that I should just keep going, "I'm not apologizing for my decision. Just... just fer not seein' *your* side of it. Fer walkin' out. Fer bein' so angry at'cha. ...Fer gettin' angry at'cha the time ya tried t' get back in contact with me. Not because I didn't wanna see you again, Dad... but... ya told me that there was no way fer me t' take care of K'Ela on my own. You said a lota things.... It was like ya thought the only thing I could do was fix a warp engine. Ya really didn't have any faith in me."  
  
I took a deep but shaky breath. "Ya really didn't know what influenced my decision, so ya shouldn't've been so quick t' tell me I was wrong."  
  
I could remember the day the Xyrillian ship had been destroyed. For a long time, I didn't want to come to grips that I actually would have to deal with my fast-approaching due date, and- what was worse- what that would mean. I stayed distant from the crew, all of them quick to either offer their condolences, or leave the room.  
  
But over the course of that week, things started to change. What was once just a small, but painful, lump in my side wasn't just that anymore. Phlox's scan showed me this tiny little person, fragile as glass- a baby girl. *My* baby girl. Yes, she was Ah'Len's, but Ah'Len wasn't alive anymore. She was my responsibility. I found that this time, when I reasoned with myself that if she was taken out of my body and put into someone else, she wouldn't be mine anymore. my heart broke. I wanted this baby, more than I had ever wanted anything before.  
  
Of course I wasn't that quick to make up my mind. I wanted to stay on Enterprise. It was my life. But on the other hand, I couldn't just leave this baby with just *anyone*- only because I wanted to keep the life I had. I had to take responsibility, even though I knew I was probably not the best father she could have. I was indecisive for a long while, slowly being drawn toward choosing fatherhood over my position on Enterprise, but my mind was made up the minute I discovered that my only two rational options were birth and abortion.  
  
I couldn't believe that Phlox would even offer that to me, but he said he was obligated to present me with all my options, even knowing what I would say. I wanted no harm to come to her, and took the entire burden upon myself. Even as early as that was, I knew what I wanted.  
  
Another breeze passed by, and I let a sad smile cross my lips, wondering if Dad had heard me.  
  
"But... I dunno... maybe you were right about somethin'," I offered him, my voice still quiet. "The more time I spent alone here, the more I really felt like I was slippin' away. Sometimes I really didn't know how I was gonna be able t' do it all, hardly gettin' any sleep an' with no one t' help me. ...But there were good an' bad days, like anythin', right?"  
  
I stared out into the sunset, quieted by the radiance of the orange and red, the sun dipping beneath the horizon and casting long shadows across the ground. "I really wish you were here t' see this," I murmured. "One of the best sunsets I've ever seen in my life...." I dropped my eyes to the ground. "...You prob'ly get some nice ones here all the time."  
  
I shook my head. "You should'a been there the time me an' K'Ela went all the way up t' Canada. God, we froze our asses off," I laughed. "Stayed out all afternoon in the damn wintertime- with no car t' sit in, tryin' not t' get hypothermia, all just 'cause she wanted t' see the sun set. ...But then it turned out t' be one of the nicest." My smile faded once I realized what I had said. "I really wish you could'a been there."  
  
"...I really screwed up, didn't I?" I tried to think it all over, tried to come up with another outcome if I had changed something, but what was there to change? Of course I wished I had made a better decision about leaving that day, but what more was there to change? Nothing else within my control seemed to have a better decision than what I had chosen. I would have never given up K'Ela if I had the chance, so what else was there to change?  
  
Then it hit me.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Trip, why do you think that makes a difference?" Jon asked.  
  
I stared down at the sleeping little girl in my arms, and tried to fight past the overpowering tiredness to respond strongly. I was weak, but I needed him to know that I hadn't made the wrong decision, that I was capable enough to take care of both myself *and* her. "I tried t' believe I was the same, but I'm not. I'm just not comfortable around everyone like before."  
  
Jon stopped, giving me a confused glare. "Including me?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"And you're not going to even try? Trip, the whole idea of adjusting is to actually try to make things work even though things are different."  
  
"Believe me, I tried. But every transmission and every conversation showed me that no one really was comfortable, and no one knew what to say. Your whole life for these three years while I was here was Enterprise, and meeting new people and new species, and you're gonna go back in a little while an' do it again. My whole life since comin' back t' Earth has been K'Ela. As much as I wouldn't trade this life with her in for the whole universe, you gotta realize we can't relate anymore."  
  
Jon breathed out a long sigh, nodding. "I'm sorry, Trip."  
  
The words left a sharp pain in my heart. "I'm sorry"? What did "I'm sorry" mean? What did those words ever do? What did they ever change?  
  
He started to walk out.  
  
"Now wait just a minute!" I hissed loudly. "Yer just gonna say 'I'm sorry' an' *leave*? Just like that?"  
  
"What else is there to say?" he asked in a quiet desperation.  
  
"I don't know!" I said, coming close to shouting, but my voice suffocated from the tears I held back.  
  
"It seems like you've said all you wanted to say to me."  
  
My short breaths felt like a painful effort, each breath piercing my lungs like sharp needles.  
  
"You've made it perfectly clear that you don't want or need my friendship. You don't want my help."  
  
"You can't give it to me!" K'Ela stirred at the harsh sound of my voice, but stayed sleeping. I was quieter when I continued, but, by far, not any less accusatory. "You abandoned us. You left with Enterprise and went on with your lives like I never even *existed*."  
  
"How can you say that?" he whispered. "Are you forgetting all our transmissions?"  
  
"You all were pretty quick t' leave," I reminded him.  
  
"We can't all just stop our mission to talk to you," he said through clenched teeth. "We all have jobs to do."  
  
I shook my head. "That's not what I meant."  
  
"Then what *did* you mean?"  
  
"It doesn't make a difference," I spat.  
  
"I don't understand why you keep arguing with me about this- ever since we started back here! You keep telling me that it doesn't seem like we even care, that everyone is uncomfortable around you, that we can't relate!" His eyes narrowed. "How can you not understand how terrified we were to hear that *Florida*- of all places- was attacked! How can you not see *that*? Why do you keep trying to get away from us?"  
  
All of a sudden, I felt like I was spinning out of control. Emotions reeled, and everything I thought I knew became blurred. Everything I had said hung from a thread between sensible and irrational, and I started to wonder if I was as fine as I thought I was. "...Cap'n..." I began, my tone somewhere in between sorrow and angry defiance.  
  
"I'm not your superior anymore," he reminded me in the coldest voice I had ever heard from him, and left.  
  
I stood there in disbelief, barely aware that I was standing, and a chill crept over me. I felt horribly sick. What was going on? What did I just do? Was everything I was feeling real? Was it really the truth?  
  
Everything I had told him seemed right up until now. Now... what was it now? Was I imagining it all? Was it really as bad as I thought it was? Everyone on Enterprise... maybe they *weren't* as uncomfortable with me as I was with them. Maybe they *weren't* trying to avoid me. But whether or not I was right about that, my life's situation couldn't get any worse.  
  
Enterprise was gone, pulled from beneath my feet, and my security was gone. Lizzie was gone, taken from me, and I could do nothing about it while Enterprise searched the universe for her murderers without me. My family was gone; I didn't want them to hurt K'Ela with their awful words, my awful memories. My father would never speak to me again, now more than any time before on account of what I had harshly reminded him of only days ago when he had called about Lizzie. My friends were gone: everyone on Enterprise gone with the ship, everyone on Earth not willing to see me now. Even Jon, my last thread holding me from plunging into darkness, had just broken away from me- all because I had spoken in anger, all because I couldn't bear having everything torn from me in so little time.  
  
But what scared me the most was that I couldn't even trust my own mind anymore. I hoped that it was just anger and fatigue and nothing that rest couldn't battle, but it terrified me that maybe it wasn't. The fight with Jon became my second concern, my reasons behind the fight now my first.  
  
I started to shake and I could feel my knees on the verge of buckling beneath me.... Then I remembered that K'Ela was in my arms. K'Ela was all I had left. I couldn't let her get hurt. I placed her in her playpen in case I passed out, and sat down on the couch.  
  
But as soon as I knew she was safe, the thoughts returned again to suffocate me.  
  
There was no fixing what I had done. I had destroyed too much to make any of it better. And even if there *was* a way to fix it, I had no idea how. I knew I *needed* to make things better, but why would any of them want to forgive me? And whose fault was it, even? Nothing made sense to me anymore, and the more I tried to think it all through, the more I realized that I was caught in a spiral- a spiral that I was It was all hopeless. Like being caught in a current, there was no point of struggling to escape it any longer. The waves would pull me under, the only question was of when.  
  
I tried to sort it out, but my eyes were heavy with sleep and with tears. K'Ela was safely set down, so I allowed it all to wash over me and take me into a slumber not at all peaceful, but it was an escape nonetheless.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Even with the event resolved and with my friendships restored, I couldn't help but feel that same fear of falling away, of changing back into that person that I had tried for so long to stop from overtaking me. Never had I pictured myself like this. I thought I would have been able to handle this better. But then again, I never thought that I would have to face a lot of the things I did.  
  
I continued to stare at the gravestone. "I really *did* screw up," I murmured. "This whole time I thought everyone was abandonin' me... when *I* was the one abandonin' *them*."  
  
I paused, reflecting on my behavior. "Y'know the only person I actually kept in touch with this whole time was Hoshi? Yeah, I guess that's 'cause 'a how much she helped me, but...." The tears started to come back.  
  
"Dad, help me," I managed to force out. "I can't.. I dunno what.."  
  
I wasn't sure what to say or how to start, but then all of it just poured from me, all my emotions finally set free, without any need for explanation; they just exploded into the nothingness that should have been my father. "I need yer help... *please*! I should'a asked ya thirty years ago, but I need yer help.... I feel like I'm drownin'.... I never told anyone 'till now, but I can't take it anymore! I wish I had someone over these years that I could'a gone to, but I never did an' it was all my fault.... All of it.... I should'a said this t' Jon back then, should'a gotten some help or somethin'...."  
  
All of the "what if's" and "if only's" just flowed from me then, how I should have talked to her and told him of this and that, how I should have maybe just once defended myself against one stranger's verbal attack judging what I had done, how I should have gone back to see this person and that person... but then I said something I never thought I ever would in the midst of it all.  
  
"I wish I had never met Ah'Len!"  
  
I stopped suddenly, shaking from the violent outburst, staring wide- eyed. I couldn't believe that I had just said that. But was it that I had said it... or that I had *finally* said it? Was that what I had been scared of for so long?  
  
I had been trying so hard to fight through it all and still make K'Ela feel loved- so much that even her name reflected how much I wanted that for her. "My joy." Yes, that much I admitted. But she was also my burden, and that I never said. It hurt so much to finally say it, to finally not have to keep it buried inside for no one to know... but I was relieved.  
  
I had tried so long to make everything clear, to make everything about this situation one thing or the other, that none of these feelings seemed right. But clarity wasn't the main thing I was after. Those feelings still weren't right. What was right about them when I sat wondering about what might have been, about what might have been better if I had chosen abortion? Those thoughts terrified me, but that never stopped them from resurfacing again and again. They bothered me so much, haunting me, making me question if my regrets and my disappointments made me a horrible person... making me question if maybe I didn't love my daughter.  
  
But it wasn't true- and I realized that finally. Most of the time I was without those thoughts, and most of the time I was a pretty good father. Those demons came back rarely, but plagued me deeply in a way that not much else could hurt me. But... I loved her so much that those notions slipped my mind and my regrets didn't matter.  
  
...At least... until she left.  
  
What was there after she left? No more Starfleet, no more friends, no more family. Everything was gone and it was all my fault.... And the thoughts returned again. If only I hadn't met Ah'Len.... I wouldn't have lost it all.... But- it was *my* fault, not K'Ela's....  
  
My heart began to ache once more. It was happening again. I was caught in that same spiral....  
  
Wait.  
  
I snapped out of it. None of that was happening right now. It was all in my past.  
  
Sometimes it was far too difficult to separate the past from the present when I was alone. It all started to blur together like a movie seen far too many times to feel important anymore, started to fade like ink in the rain. But I promised myself that wasn't going to go on- not anymore.  
  
My friends were with me, even if they couldn't always be. It was better now- now that I knew we would actually talk. Of course it wouldn't be exactly like before, and it wasn't going to be an easy transition, but there was so much more to look forward to now.  
  
A small smile found its way across my lips. Oh, *definitely* a lot more to look forward to. I *was* going to be a grandfather after all.  
  
Finding a lightness in myself that I thought I had lost, I became very glad that Jon gave me the idea to come here. It helped more than he would ever know. I just hoped he told everyone where I had gone. They had all done enough worrying over me.  
  
I stood in thought a minute more, only this time... no ominous ones came to mind. I wanted to say something, but what? Nothing seemed right. Nothing seemed the perfect way to leave him, especially thinking back to how angrily I had left him last time... the final time really. But was there anything to say? Thank you? I miss you? I love you, Dad? I'm finally alright? No. None of those things. *All* of those things.  
  
If he could really hear my thoughts, if it was really true that he could see me, staring down at me from heaven... then there was nothing more to say.  
  
***************  
  
You like? I hope. Well, the next chapter is the final one, all!  
Something to look forward to.  
  
Review now, make an author happy. ^ - ^  
  
Happy New Year if I don't post before then! (Ha! *If*.. We all know  
that's not gonna happen.) 


	20. Goodbye

SORRY, SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!!!!! I fell off the face of the Earth for... oops... 4 months.... But I'm back, and I updated... I hope this isn't too little too late....  
  
It's over! Wow. *sits back and observes* ......... Okay! Enough of that. On  
with the story!  
  
A/N: I have NO idea how to play poker, so it's really a wild guess. If I'm wrong with anything, oh well, I don't know how to play. That's why I  
was so vague. Plus it wasn't important anyway.  
  
Please review at the end! ^ _ - v  
  
Chapter 19  
  
Goodbye  
  
It was raining again. Not nearly with as much force as it had been only moments ago; the droplets that had come down in sheets had tapered off once again into a gentle mist that blanketed the hazy town, but it was clear that the rain would soon come out of the lull and return once again to the pounding drops. I stood on the porch and waved goodbye to everyone, my smile fading into the gray that surrounded us, the thought ever present in the back of my mind that it would be a long while before I would see them all together again. We had said so many goodbyes, but they didn't feel like enough.  
  
They were all so much to me like a dream, vanishing into the mist that hung in the air and fell like velvet curtains on the closing of a play. I wished I could capture them in that moment, forever etch the scene into my thoughts: Travis running ahead of them all, his shoes sending additional splashes into the air from peaceful little puddles, hoping to open the car doors for them all before they even had the chance for their fingers to touch the handles, and maybe then he might be the one to take the wheel. I laughed inwardly. It was so like him to still wish to be at the helm after all that time. Maybe being captain wasn't enough for him when he could have still had the controls at his fingertips. Then there was Malcolm, jogging leisurely for his seat out of the rain, only squinting against the little beads that fell. They rolled off his jacket and matted his hair a little, at times splashing into his eyes, but he moved at a pace like he never even noticed it was anything but sunny, and if it was, he didn't care. And then Jon.... The most hesitant to leave. He was at last torn away, if not by the other two men, by the knowledge that he must leave, that he had no other choice. He made no joke to Travis that he was still the highest ranking of them all and should be driving, maybe because of dormant concerns that could still not be quieted, or maybe not, but he took his seat in the back, and his face disappeared behind the window, coats of rain streaming down it. But quietest of all, Hoshi, standing beside my father on the porch, looking down at the warped planks of wood that supported her feet. My father looked down at her soft but saddened features, and his eyes shimmered with sorrow.  
  
With one last look at all of them together, I managed to pry myself away, then turned and went back into the house. I didn't want to leave them behind. They would never be the same as they were in that one moment in time, and I could never get that moment back once I left it behind me.  
  
"Are ya sure ya gotta go?" I could hear Dad ask Hoshi quietly.  
  
I halted my already hesitant steps and turned back around, out of their sight, and stood leaning against the wall near the door, watching them in conversation.  
  
Hoshi's smile, though reserved, still shined with happiness. "I have to get back to my kids. Both my own and my class, since I'm going back to teach."  
  
He nodded in understanding and I looked away at the door frame. She must have had a lot to take care of, more than she would let on to. She was far too young to be a widow, I thought to myself. I never knew the man whose life was taken by the accident so many years ago, but Hoshi did. I wondered if she still thought about him, like my father did sometimes about Ah'Len. I looked back at her hand and saw that her ring finger held no wedding band any longer. I questioned for a moment if that was so because they weren't ever all that close, or if it just hurt too much to see any remnant of the man she loved. My thoughts were cut short by Hoshi's words.  
  
"Besides, you've got enough to take care of here," she told him lightly, receiving a smile.  
  
A long silence followed, and it looked as though Hoshi's eyes were misty from more than just the rain. But she blinked her tears back, trying to hide them away from him.  
  
He sighed. "Well... if ya gotta go... I hope ya keep in touch then."  
  
"I will. ...I know we all will."  
  
He nodded once more, trying a smile again, but it wavered, and I wasn't sure why. When I looked at Hoshi, she seemed aware that it was what she said that had brought about more grief. His reaction still confused me, though, despite her own understanding.  
  
Her hand lightly touched his arm. "I know I'll see you soon," she added quietly, a meek but playful little smile gracing her lips. "I just don't think transmissions alone would be the same after this stay here. ...After everything I tried to put behind me from so long ago."  
  
A large grin found its way back onto his face.  
  
What did that mean? I wondered. What had happened?  
  
At once then, after so much happiness she evoked in my father, I watched a tear fall, her eyes now glistening with them. Dad put his arms around her, hoping to comfort her sorrow, her already quiet crying becoming stifled by the downpour that started up once more.  
  
"I feel like I'm saying goodbye all over again like I had to on Enterprise..." she told him, her voice strangled to a quiet whisper.  
  
"I know..." he murmured in agreement, nodding a little.  
  
When she at last stopped her tears, she took her head from his shoulder and looked into his eyes. "...I'm not saying goodbye this time, Trip." She hesitated a moment, then leaned in and let her lips softly brush his, lingering a moment before at last forcing herself to pull away.  
  
Hoshi sniffed back tears that might have slipped down her cheeks. "Even if it can't be anything more than that," she told him almost inaudibly.  
  
He pushed a loose strand of hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. "...We'll see."  
  
They both stood staring into each other's eyes, unaware of the rest of the world passing by before them. Unaware that the car was still waiting for its final passenger, that soon it would drive off and leave behind me and my father and David. Unaware that maybe that would be the final time we would all be together at once... before all our lives might change... no... *would* change. Unaware that the future was uncertain, and that, for all we knew, it could end here. But there in the rain, time stood still and looked sorrowfully at what things had become, and in its guilt for what it had done, allowed a moment to stretch into so much longer... if for no one else, for Dad and Hoshi.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The sounds of static popped over the old screen, and in fizzled Enterprise's mess hall, where Dad, Hoshi, and Travis sat, laughing as they played some kind of card game.  
  
Dad put down a few cards on the table, only half paying attention to what he was doing, while Travis tried his best not to look eager to take them up. Hoshi was too busy trying not to look toward the camera.  
  
"Trying out a new gift?" Travis asked whoever was behind the device. His voice sounded slightly metallic from the age of the recording.  
  
"Well, I wouldn't call it new, but since I haven't had the chance to use it until now, it might as well be," came a female voice from off camera.  
  
The camera moved from Travis to Hoshi then to Dad, and back to stay on Hoshi.  
  
Hoshi put down a few cards, then nervously looked back and forth from the table to the camera. "Laura, how interesting can a poker game be?" Hoshi asked, blushing at still being the focus of the recording.  
  
"Come on, Hoshi, have fun with it!" Laura told her. "I just want to catch everyone off duty for once. It's just for fun!"  
  
Hoshi reddened even more, then ducked down behind her cards.  
  
"Aw, c'mon..." Laura urged her.  
  
The camera zoomed in on the still flushed Hoshi, who was suddenly replaced by my dad, a large grin stretched across his face, and waving.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
The camera zoomed out again, and Dad sat back in his seat, laughing.  
  
Hoshi smiled at him in gratitude, and he smiled back briefly, then just resumed picking up a card or two from the pile.  
  
"Fine, Commander, be that way," Laura sighed, then laughed.  
  
His smile just widened. "Oh, I plan on it."  
  
The camera zoomed over to Travis, looking now pretty distraught at his hand.  
  
Laura then paned over the table, topped with a mess of random objects all unique to the individual that brought them- an assurance that they would each return with what they had brought to play another game sometime later. It was obvious that Hoshi had brought items that she knew neither of the two men would want to walk away with: an assortment of pink and/or sparkly objects, many of them cosmetics. Dad, on the other hand, had just brought a bunch of nuts and bolts and such that engineering could spare, and Travis had taken a handful of game board pieces. Presently, though, Travis had a pretty small group beside him, and though Hoshi had a fair pile, Dad's was a mess of most of his original pieces, much of Travis's, and a number of Hoshi's.  
  
"Commander, do you have to win them so unmercifully?" joked Laura, then in mock-reprimand, added, "Shame...."  
  
A large grin formed on his face and he hardly tried to stifle back a chuckle. "They're just gonna hafta learn." He got up, taking his empty mug- and cards- with him.  
  
The camera took a dizzying spin back to Travis.  
  
"I'm never playing poker with Commander Tucker again," he informed her in good nature, laughing a little. "Or any other game that involves losing."  
  
Laura turned to Hoshi, looking in deep concentration at her cards, but, in addition to the shy officer, she found Dad taking a short pause behind her, peeking over her shoulder and *also* concentrating on her hand.  
  
"Aha! Cheater!" Laura called out, causing Dad to jump and nearly drop the mug. "No *wonder* you keep winning!"  
  
Hoshi turned around and saw him trying to look innocent, and at first took up a very fluffy looking object with the intention of throwing it at him, but then thought better of pelting a superior officer on the head with anything, be it plush or not.  
  
"Is something the matter, Ensign?" asked a voice from off camera, monotonous and inquisitive.  
  
"Sub-commander!" Hoshi announced in surprise, then noticed her arm was still raised in preparation to launch the fluffy thing at her commander, and immediately put it down, her face red with embarrassment. "No, no, nothing's wrong."  
  
"Just a little disagreement, ma'am," Laura informed her, the camera drifting over to incorporate T'Pol into the shot.  
  
Her eyes glanced over at Dad, standing with an air of looseness and playfulness about him, and she watched as he directed his smile at her. "...I wouldn't doubt it."  
  
Dad's smile widened. It was obvious that he often ruffled T'Pol to annoyance, or at least as far as her Vulcan stoicism would bend toward it.  
  
She then began to walk to the door, but turned back and set her eyes on my dad once more. "Mr. Tucker, you've finished your dinner, am I correct?"  
  
He shrugged. "Yeah. Why?"  
  
"My console is malfunctioning, and I would appreciate your assistance."  
  
He shrugged. "Just lead the way."  
  
She nodded once, and no one could tell by the indifferent expression on her face whether that nod was a show of appreciation or just a confirmation that he had done something she expected of him without even really listening to his response. Dad just accepted it either way, knowing that was the best he would ever get out of a Vulcan. He had a better shot of getting her to punch him in the face than to smile at him, and he knew that.  
  
"Oh-" Travis began from behind, and all eyes and the camera unconsciously turned in his direction. "Now that you mention it... I just remembered that the navigation system's been a little stubborn the past couple days. Every time I check it seems fine, but something's still not aligned just right, and I know you've got an eye for these things."  
  
Dad nodded knowingly for a moment, realizing that everyone was going to take this opportunity to dump all of their malfunctions on him. "No problem," he said anyway.  
  
Travis smiled his thanks and walked out, following T'Pol, who had gone while Travis was finishing up making his request.  
  
"Uh... Commander?"  
  
Dad turned around and faced Hoshi, his smile faded into a look of courteous happiness as he noted the amusing irony of how the others had gotten the best of the cheater, but was still disappointed to add more work to his already busy schedule.  
  
"I was hoping you could fix the level of background noise the UT's picking up lately." She grimaced, knowing he didn't really need that extra work.  
  
He let his smile widen a little. "No problem, Hoshi," he said sincerely.  
  
"Thank you," she told him, her grimace becoming a smile at his kindness, then leaving with one last look.  
  
The mess hall doors closed with a hiss and left Dad standing there. He shook his head, then walked to the table where they had played their card game and dug through the remaining items the other two forgot to take, reclaiming the pieces he knew engineering would need soon. He looked up at Laura, realizing her camera was still on him.  
  
"If you ask me t' fix that camera, I swear I'll throw Hoshi's plush thing at'cha," he joked, even though he looked serious enough for it not to be completely out of the question.  
  
Laura laughed. "No... I promise I won't."  
  
"Good. We've already got *enough* t' do down there," he mumbled to himself. "It's like the whole ship's fallin' apart...."  
  
Laura still didn't turn off the camera. Dad looked over and noticed that she still wasn't moving.  
  
"Jeez, you're worse than *me*. What's so interesting about me pickin' up after a game of poker?"  
  
"Same thing that's interesting about that random game."  
  
Dad, only half listening to what she said, reached across the table to dig through Hoshi's pile. Laura tried to hold back a giggle as a devilish thought crossed her mind. Her stifled laughter could be heard while the lens zoomed in on his behind.  
  
"He-ey!" Dad laughed, noticing what she was doing, and trying to get out of the shot, or at least put his hand in the way of it.  
  
Laura zoomed back out, laughing, "Just kidding, Commander!"  
  
Both of them knew that it was a good thing he wasn't as strict as he could have been, or, for that matter, that there wasn't anyone else in the mess hall. That was when they both became aware of the fact that they were by themselves and needed to get off to wherever they were needed.  
  
Dad stood up and dumped the nuts and bolts into a pocket, then sighed, turning to face Laura. "Well.... It was fun while it lasted."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
As I picked up the last of Dad's old pictures, I took a last long look at how the first crew of the NX-01 looked in the dim light of the attic, at their happy, hopeful, smiling faces, save for T'Pol, who, I'm told, never smiled at all, and pushed some of the dust from the frame with my thumb.  
  
"Back when I wasn't such an old man."  
  
I turned to the voice behind me and looked up, Dad grinning down at me, and smiled back.  
  
"Yer not old...."  
  
"Then what's all this gray, then?" he asked, being jokingly adamant.  
  
"It's the attic, Dad," I stated, losing the smile to try to appear serious. "All this dust up here just collects on yer head."  
  
"Oh?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at me as though he were challenging me.  
  
The smile found its way back over my lips as I recalled something. "I think the attic dust might be a good look for ya." I watched his eyes narrow in confusion before turning back to put more into the box. "After all, ya *are* startin' t' turn into a ladies' man.... Don't think I didn't see that kiss with Hoshi...."  
  
I looked back up at him, just shaking his head and chuckling softly to himself.  
  
"So what was it then? Are ya gonna tell me what's goin' on between you two or what?"  
  
"Would'ja let me have a little privacy?" he laughed.  
  
"Nope." I sat on my feet. "C'mon, now, out with it."  
  
He sighed, biting at the edge of his mouth. "I dunno.... Maybe it might be somethin', maybe not. Last time she kissed me, we didn't see each other for... I don' even *remember* how many years...."  
  
"*Last* time?!" I exclaimed in surprise. "Yer tellin' me there was *another* time?"  
  
He just hid back a smile and gave me a look of happily adamant furtiveness as he lifted up one of the two last boxes of the pictures and transmissions.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey, hey- don't avoid the question," I told him, unable to stop myself from giggling all the while.  
  
He just turned his blue eyes on me and smiled, saying nothing.  
  
"I'm not gonna get you t' tell me, am I?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
As I sat trying to figure out when that kiss could have been, he just shook his head and told me, still laughing a little bit, "Maybe some other time, K'Ela. That's whole different story altogether."  
  
"Fine.... I'll just have to settle for 'later,' I guess," I said, standing and smacking the dust from my pants.  
  
"You never could just leave the past alone, could'ja?" he said, giving me a little smile.  
  
"Nope," I told him, echoing his own previous response.  
  
He chuckled at my stubbornness. "Just bring that last box down into the den. That's the one that's all just pictures, right?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
He started to walk down the stairs and I could hear his voice drift back up to me: "Jeez, now where am I gonna find this many picture frames...?"  
  
My eyes drifted back to the picture.  
  
I guess this really *wasn't* the perfect life he envisioned for himself on the day this picture was taken. It was probably the furthest from it.  
  
I closed the box and stood up with it under my arm. I stood in the middle of the room and looked around me at the dust-layered room, every few meters now clean square pieces of floor where there once sat the neatly placed boxes from Dad's days in Starfleet. I could hear my shoes scraping against the wood floor as I turned around, taking in as much of the room as I could before I went downstairs. I knew I wouldn't be coming up here again for a long while, now that it wasn't needed anymore. There were so many more things to look toward now, so many wonderful things and so many new memories to make of them.  
  
As my eyes scanned the ground for the final time, they caught a glance of my bear in my still open box, its brown fur clumped together with age and wear and powdered with a light layer of dust, but still soft. I smiled, then picked it up and placed it on top of my dad's box of pictures. Maybe when my son is born, he can have it.  
  
I thought a moment.  
  
Hesitantly, I placed the bear back in its box. No.... It needs to be... different. I understood then. I understood and I knew my father understood, and David might have been beginning to understand, even if it was a struggle.  
  
I sighed, and stared into the dimness, thinking over all that had to be given up and all that had come of it. For some reason, I did not wonder then if anything should have happened any differently. For the first time, I didn't need to know.  
  
I closed my eyes and smiled.  
  
...No, not perfect. But happy.  
  
I pulled on the metal chain and with a click, the attic went dark.  
  
~Fin~  
  
***************  
  
I hope you all enjoyed "Picture Imperfect." 


End file.
